I Regret Lending Money to Friend - Please Help

I'm looking for advice on how to recoup funds I lent to a friend.

My friend asked to borrow $10k to pay legal fees related to the settlement of an investment scheme. I regret lending him money because my gut tells me that I won't get my money back. I trusted my friend and didn't do my due diligence - this is was my mistake. He said he'd return my money within 1 week and it's now going on 4 weeks.

1st red flag - after sending him the funds (Saturday), he asked me for another $7k the very next day!! (Sunday). He said that he sent the $10k to his friend (who I don't know), whom is also in this investment scheme to pay for the legal fees. However, his friend's doctor/hospital took $7k out for "cancer treatment". WTF?! Doctor's just don't direct debit $7k on a Sunday, they'll usually call and ask for your card details. Even so, who doesn't have the money ready for their life-saving treatment?! I said no and he had the nerve to ask me to ask my parents…

2nd red flag - he says things like "Don't lose sleep, I'll take you to Nobu and on a shopping spree once the money settles" and "just a few more days, trust the process" This comes off very charlatan-like and rather evasive, not very assuring at all. I get the feeling he is only saying this to keep me calm.

I'd appreciate any advice on how to best approach the situation. I want my $10k back and I don't care if the friendship is over. I am stressed out and it's affecting my job/work and personal relationships.

TLDR: Lent friend $10k for "legal case". Gut tells me that he is a degenerate gambler. How to get money back.

Edit 1: I already feel shit as it is. If you don't have anything constructive to say, please gtfo.

Comments

  • Never lend out money unless you don't expect it back. Wife learnt the hardway with neighbor in her home village she grew up with and treated like a sister. $5k which was promised for be paid back in 6 months turned out to be 6 years. Lucky she ever got anything back. Loko on the bright side it was only $10k, would have been worse if it was more.

  • -3

    Your mistake was trusting this "friend"

    Hope you learned your lesson.

    • It's sometimes the only way we learn. It's sad as you really find out that your friends aren't really friends

  • +4

    Get his legs broken, full stop , it will give you closure

  • +2

    It's a lesson I learnt some years ago, with a much bigger loss. With friends, only give as much money you are willing to lose.

    • Damn, you just let it go? No more chasing up?

      • Chased for a few years.. nothing came of it.

  • 1st life lesson - never live with friends
    2nd life lesson - never lend money to family / friends (if you want it back)

  • +13

    Here's the thing. You said you want the $10k back and you don't care if the friendship is over. But your friend is a step ahead. He knowingly stole $10k from you because he also didn't care that your friendship is over. You guys were never friends, you just didn't realise it, and he did.

  • or maybe you should trust the process and have some faith and patience!

    • Yeah, have some patience. OP's friend is just waiting on a bitconnect withdraw to hit his account. Must be a delay with the banks.

  • Money is gone

  • +3

    Please share his name and contact details

    • +2

      Yes, dox him and put it on 4chan, then 1000 pizza deliveries to his address for the win….that's over $10k in retribution.

      • +7

        Don't want to hurt small businesses, especially in these times when sole traders are struggling.

        • -1

          JK

  • +3

    Does the person have any assets? You could invite your self over to their place with some booze for early celebration, and get them drunk, and walk away with their laptop, PC, games console and other gear that you can sell to help recoup the lost $10K.

    • First watch episodes of Can't Pay We'll Take it Away on YouTube for inspiration.

  • +8

    Lots of ppl telling you don't expect it back etc, I think he knows that. He's asking for help not to state the obvious.

    So in terms of strategy, how embedded are your lives? How many mutual friends do you have?

    Your one leverage here really is to just apply social pressure. So tell your mutual friends about it, reach out to his family and ask them for money.

    We're social creatures and it's unlikely he'll be immune to shame.

    Finally, say you really need the money back but don't get angry about it. Keep your cool, don't give him any ammunition. You're trying to come off the victim not the crazy one. This will increase the level of shame because ppl root for the underdog and they don't want to appear like they're a bully socially.

    You'll be surprised how effective this can be.

    • +1

      Interesting, I'll add "shaming" to the arsenal

    • +2

      | You're trying to come off the victim not the crazy one. This will increase the level of shame because ppl root for the underdog and they don't want to appear like they're a bully socially.

      the best bit of advice in this thread

  • +26

    Happened to me twice with 2 different friends, here’s what I did to get my money back:

    I lent the guy $5.5k then 2 weeks later he asked for another $5k, I was like “mate you haven’t even paid me back yet and you’re asking for more?! If you gave me back the $5.5k I’ll lend you $15k in around 2 weeks time”. He actually pulled the money out from somewhere and gave it back to me. Then I proceeded to ignore him.

    This actually worked on both occasions.

    • +8

      Thanks, reverse uno will be my first attempt.

      • so how did it go?

        • +5

          Will be seeing him next week. Like and subscribe for more.

          • @FareEvader: (Bruce Buffer voice)

            Iiiiiiits tiiiiiiime!!!

            • @So lo: Let's get ready to rumble!! (Michael Buffer voice, Bruce's brother)

          • @FareEvader: Thanks, subscribed and liked.

            I see you've posted an update and now drafted up a paper contract with you demanding 30k. I thought he only owed you 10k? Or is the extra 20k for the interest and lost time/stress?

            • -1

              @Zachary: Yep. So now we're at $20k owing, $10k paid.

              • @FareEvader: anymore updates?

                • +2

                  @Zachary: Nope, the $20k is due this week but I doubt he'll pay up.
                  At least I got my $10k back and learned a very valuable lesson.

                  • @FareEvader: So you got your money back? Yes. Case closed.

                    Demanding more on top was just silly.

                    • @berger: Without the demand, I wouldn't have gotten my money back.

                      • @FareEvader: So lend someone 10K, they don't pay back, demand 30K instead.

                        Sounds like a loan shark to me!!

                  • @FareEvader: anymore updates? Or he failed to pay that 20k?

                    • @Zachary: This matter has been successfully resolved and this incident is now closed.

                      • +1

                        @FareEvader: Nice you got your 20k interest on top of your 10k loan to him! Good job!

                        • @Zachary: I think he just got his $10k back.

                          • +1

                            @Yola: Nope, he said he got his 20k on top of his 10k back. So he's got 30k back from him! He's edited his comment so my previous comment looked like it was replying to a ghost comment….

                      • @FareEvader: Is it even legal to demand 20k from him?

                        • +1

                          @deme: Well the guy signed the contract to return him 20k on top of the 10k he borrowed, so yes?

    • Honestly, unfortunately I think this is the best approach.

    • Well played.

    • +2

      That's poetry.
      Only thing that could have made it better is if after 2 weeks, when he came looking for the 15k, you told him you had it but you needed to borrow 5k from him to get it.

  • +2

    Hi OP, we can be good friends. Let's catchup at your nearest atm.

  • +3

    Edit 1: I already feel shit as it is. If you don't have anything constructive to say, please gtfo.

    👍

  • -1

    You are a good person who's made a bad decision. Based on what you've posted, I'm confident you've lost the 10K. If he doesn't pay you can follow it up as a civil matter.

  • If you lend money to a friend, be prepared to lose the money or lose the friendship.

  • +1

    There's only one solution… Break his legs

  • why would your gut tell you he is a degenerate gambler?
    how well do you even know this guy to be lending him 10k
    i dont know about you but anyone who i would even consider lending that kind of money i would know them very very well, enough to not be left wondering if they are a degenerate gambler or not lol. like what am i missing here

  • +3

    10k to friend. Is their friendship worth 10k?

    1k a year? Would that be a reasonable?

    Only trust family with that kinda money. Otherwise write contract.

    • +4

      Many family members can't be trusted too

      • +1

        So true, one particular cousin in China even had the balls to steal from our grandma. A property was written in his name( back then one person was only entitled to one property prior to private investment) but was agreed that it was my grandparents. Last year the CCP acquired it for a decent amount of money and my grandma now in nursing home didnt recieve a cent. Uncles and Aunties have spoken to him to no avail and have now completely cut ties with him.

    • +1

      I wouldn't even trust family members. IMO family is worse because they would have this entitlement that they don't need to pay you back because "we're family"

  • +3

    Be straight with your friend. Demand your money back by an agreed date.

    Good luck and sorry this is happening to you :( Hang in there!

  • -1

    Tell your "friend" they have X amount of days to pay it back. If not, tell them you will be going to Small Claims Court. 1. Letter of Demand, 2. Small Claims Court. 3. If they do not pay the judgment debt, you can seek a garnishee order. You can also claim your legal fees against them.

    • In practice small claims court can do 'jack all' all his friend has to do is ignore everything and essentially OP will also be out of the cost of legal fees

      In the end of the day you cant get blood from a stone - that is just my experience

  • +7

    FareEvader 0 : 1 LoanEvader

  • +3

    It may not be casino gambling. The next time Bitcoin jumps in value, ask and see whether he has anything to give to you…

      • +3

        weird comment.
        Are you in possession of some sort of information to say that it definitely isn't where the money is going?
        It fits all the signs as the friend is dumping money into something and keeps thinking it'll come good at some point.

  • +2

    as someone who was scammed out of almost $700 when someone say they will pay you back 'in a couple days' and it has already been 'a couple days' since when they were suppose to pay you back then they aren't going to pay you back

    You got two options write it off or go break his legs either way your probably not going to get your money back

    take it as an very expensive lesson and move on

    Also get better friends

    The system is pretty s**t then it comes to being scammed out of money small claims court it is a waste of time in my experience even if they rule in your favor they have little power and it is all at your expense

    Also last thing DONT feel bad i know that is hard to do becuz 10k is a fair amount of cash but nothing will change it now - i wish you all the best and i hope he turns out to be a half decent friend but when it comes to money you cant ever really trust anyone

  • I fully agree with the sentiment of "don't mix financials with family and friends" but a wise friend told me that if a relationship is worth more to you then the money you should see it as an investment not only into the other person but for yourself as well and the possibilities that can happen by keeping said persons in your life.

    He put it in the sense that a friend owed him a lot of money he had lent to him but he had been taught a lot of life lessons (besides getting ripped off) and also enjoyed said friends company a lot that he could oversee the monetary value behind the initial debt.

    Food for thought.

  • +5

    There is a good chance you won't get your money back. Try and make peace with that thought.

    I've landed 9k to a friend 20 years ago and never saw them back. I still have the bank receipt to remind me not to lend to a friend ever again.

    I still think of that event and still makes me sick but life goes on.

  • +1

    Do you have his social media? These kind of people deserved to be 'viral'. TRust me, it's very effective and you might be helping the other victims too. Don't do anything physical or anything against the law. Just share it, just like how u viral it here. There might be more victims like you that he's conning his way.

    • +1

      I dont think going viral on social media is desirable for any side

  • +2

    Im sorry OP, crap this sucks. Everyone should have a lesson sometime in life to not lend money to friends or family members. As with most comments, I am sure the money is gone, unless you have something in writing? And even then, process to go through small claims, cops, debt collector? etc…

    My mother asked me for 6k and I said: "what for?" and she said: "just something"… and im like… no. Then she told me its for a dying kid in the Philippines that the parents promised her to pay her back…. I laughed in her face and said: "YOU'RE BEING SCAMMED" then I lectured her. I feel sorry for my mother cause she believes everything and anything anyone says to her, including online. She believes buzzfeed news articles. Its really sad. everytime I confront her about fake news, she doesn't understand. To be honest, my mother isn't street smarts or aware of such scams or fake news at all, she will get scammed by a 10 yr old selling magic beans that will cure cancer.

    • +1

      Pretty sure my mum was being scammed when she asked for a few thousand for a friend. Dunno how she even met this person, seems she was going through a rough patch and they tried to take advantage…
      I didn’t end up lending it as I wasn’t working full time.

      Seems strange now as my mum is actually a pretty suspicious person but I guess anyone can fooled under the right circumstances!

      Anyway, try to be kinder to your mum and one day she’s not going to be around and you’ll regret laughing in her face and lecturing her rather than being compassionate and kind…

  • +11

    This happened to my mum with one of her friends.

    I called the person and asked for a face to face conversation about returning the money. When they came, I told them let's draw up a payment plan to pay this this off and for them to sign it.

    This person agreed and signed it. Unfortunately they were not able to keep the payment plan, one evening when they came to drop off the money they were short by some amount. I simply told them it's okay, I can visit their home later that week and take some items from their home to sell of Facebook/gumtree to recover the shortfall.

    They said they'll figure something out and they settled everything within a week. I guess they got sick of me.

    It was for <$5k and I was obviously a third party to the transaction working on behalf of my mum. This person also had family and kids and I knew they had enough things in their house I could sell to recover the fund, but I was more betting they didn't want me going to their house and embarrassing them in from of their family when I repossessed their stuff.

    What you need to do…
    You need them to enter into an arrangement or payment plan of some sort over an agreed period of time and get them to date and sign it. This is what collections agencies do. It's not important how much they repay, as long as they can afford it and they are consistent with their repayment (that said try to aim for 10-20% of their payslips). Only escalate to recoveries (selling their stuff) when the collection process is exhausted.

    If they are late or things don't work out, you can tell them you can contact their parents, siblings and/or partner and see if they can help your friend out. Aim here is to put pressure on their family and/or close network to do the right thing. More importantly, it brings a level of shame on them and pressure them to keep up with payment plan.

    During all of this you need to be pretty neutral and keep communication open. Don't burn the bridge until you exhausted all avenue else it's pretty hard to collect.

    Good luck mate!

    • +1

      Thanks Mate your post was really helpful, my Brother In law is going through the same thing with a friend of his he's 21 and his friend said he had a $5k tax bill that "needed to be paid in full" he also drives around a 2020 A200 Merc fully paid off and works as a car salesman so is pretty slick when he speaks

      • +1

        Tax was on income, so there should be income to pay the tax. That excuse shouldn't work, if the mate got 5k tax bill, that person would have earned a lot to receive that tax bill. He should have enough money to pay for the tax bill. Some people just have a thick skin. Some people wouldn't even think of borrowing from others, if they need something, they either work harder, or lower their expectation.

    • +1

      TY

    • +2

      "Aim here is to put pressure on their family and/or close network to do the right thing."
      +1… I've seen this method play out and the money repaid by the problem gambler

  • Never mixed up friendship with finance.

  • +1

    Yeah mate i was in a similar situation but with a lot smaller amount, ($200) paid him $201 initially he only payed me back $200.
    Initially boasting so much he'll even pay me interest etc. that time I was super careful with my money (STILL AM), Didn't really wanna give him any money, just didnt seem right to me,
    He already had an impression of being from a wealthy family (so him asking me $200 -$1000 sounded extremely weird to me, considering how much money he earns from like party hosting or club sports hosting etc.)

    said he'll pay back in a week, then turned into a fortnight, asked more later, then turned month, into months. Ultimately i think he payed back one day after may be like 7 months or something, saying he lost job due to health conditions like diabetes or something, and only getting BS Centrelink pay now. (I reckon it to be pure BS, clearly taking part in high demanding sports and looking pretty healthy).

    Ultimate lesson- NEVER LEND MONEY OUTSIDE OF FAMILY. I will not lend any more than $10 to anyone now, since this incident. You just cannot trust anyone. EVEN in family I will only lend to IMMIDEATE Family members (i.e. mum, dad, sister or brother) not cousins, nor uncles or someone in a foreign country.

    Never-ever tried to contact that friend, since then. Considering how much he actually remembers and cares about me and his words.

  • Same shit happened to me but the only difference is since the beginning I'm prepared to say goodbye to that money forever. Always lend whatever amount you can afford to lose, in my case is 1k. Based from your story there is a slim chance that you will get your money back and if you do, don't ever fall in the same hole again.

  • -1

    Don't sht where you eat

  • +5

    Don't ever go into business then.

    The old saying Goes something like this.

    When someone with money meets someone with experience, the person with experience ends up with the money and the person with the money ends up with the experience.

    The first business I owned I was screwed over. Luckily I pulled the pin very early on and moved on and made money.

    Move on and use the experience productively.

    • Nice quote.

  • This is the reason why I do not have nor want any so called friends.

    • Friends don’t do that to you though.

      • Real friends wouldn't do that to you, but why take the risk?

  • +2

    It’s gone. Best solution I have seen for anybody in your situation is to set up weekly auto payments for an affordable amount based on their income. Later they can pay lump sums if and when they can. If they refuse you know where you stand instantly. If not there is a good chance you will recover some or all of it and learn a valuable lesson.

  • +3

    Your money is probably gone. But it's worth asking what's going on: (1) "Hey, we need to chat about the money I lent you, you said you'd pay it back in a week, now it's been 4." He'll give some excuse or something. Then (2) "What's really going on?". If he can't give you a straight answer then: (3) "Look mate, we're friends, but if you're not honest with me, our relationship is over."

    It's definitely an expensive mistake, but no worse than what your 'friend' is probably going to go through/ is going through.

  • It sounds as if he has a pretty high tier casino card where he gets credits to use up at Nobu, I would say he has a gambling addiction but he could hassle other friends or family to get more money and gamble and possibly pay you back ?

    I had an old house mate who went into my room at the time took about $300 cash I had lying on my desk and it was all gone that Arvo after that he had decided to go around the neighbourhood knocking off items and selling them to CashConveters to keep up his antics it's a terrible disease

    • Nah not a high-roller at all, more of a sportsbet punter

      • Maybe he got a tip from an insider on a team that was under rated. Plunged it on in the hope of making a killing and it didn’t come off. If you know him well enough you’d know his contacts and circle of friends and could go back to the results for that time and figure out where he lost it. For everyone else reading this NEVER LEND MONEY TO A GAMBLER. For ANYTHING. Money for gambling can be more important than money for food and when it comes to paying you back they will be waiting for a win and so will you. As soon as they smell like they have had a win demand it back. You’ll only get one chance.

  • +2

    Sorry to hear of the situation. Here's hoping he pays some of it back - have you asked him to pay back a small amount ( eg I need it for this or that thing coming up). If he doesn't, then maybe you could write/tell him about how this has affected you ( and no doubt other people) eg let him know your disappointment in him, how hard you worked to save the money/what you were going to do it with etc…the guilt trip
    Have you let others know about what he's up? This will stop them being taken advantage of as well and out of fear for his reputation he might start paying back.

  • +1

    Where's nobu?

    • +3

      Nobu is a international chain of expensive restaurants. In Australia there are Nobu resteraunts at the Crown casinos in Melbourne, Sydney and Perth. If you were looking for another clue that points to the borrower having a gambling problem - this is it.

      • +1

        I thought Daredevil killed him

        • 😊

    • +3

      In Crown Casino… Connect the dots :P

      • -1

        Which one?

      • Good thinking! Most ppl don't sh*t far from where they eat.

  • +1

    Seems to be the price of an education from the University of Life….. surprised they did not ask to be paid in itune vouchers.

  • +2

    Unfortunately, and I've also learned the hard way, you don't lend friends money or anything that you cannot afford to lose. If it's car expect an accident, if it's a tool expect it to be broken, a book will get lost, if it's money don't expect it back. It's just how it is. Only give to friends, and be generous, but don't expect it back.

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