Friend gave a cold shoulder

Ash-Say on 11/12/2015 - 08:15
Last edited 11/12/2015 - 09:04

Few months ago, when I decided to purchase one house after tiring long search. I did not have enough deposit so I turned to my parents who agreed to give me deposit however they needed 2.5 months to organise it.

I asked my friends to lend me money for 2.5 months and all but one agreed to give me bits and pieces. The only exception was this friend from 13 years who made an excuse that he was also looking for a property and therefore he could not give me anything.

I have already returned the borrowed money to all friends well before the agreed date. Interestingly, this friend who refused earlier has not still purchased anything. For your information, this person earns more than $100k and I have lend him more than $5,000 in the past when he did not have job. I have only asked him to lend $1,000 so I understand it was an opportunity to return the favour.

I am thinking that he just made an excuse. He is still in contact but I tend to avoid him now. Should I say goodbye for good?

What would you do with this kind of person?

General Discussion

closed Comments

  • aggregate on 11/12/2015 - 08:19
    +81

    You should not expect to be able to borrow a large sum of money from friends. In fact this is a easy way to ruin friendship.

    • Geewhizz on 11/12/2015 - 08:23
      +49

      Exactly this.

      Furthermore, if you'd consider humiliating him simply because he didn't lend you money, he needs to be more particular with the type of people he has as friends. You should be ashamed of yourself for even considering it.

      • sparkles on 11/12/2015 - 08:31
        +24

        Agree, this is an awful thing to contemplate. He may just not be comfortable lending anyone any money or needed to keep his options open. To embarrass him in front on other people over this is simply heinous.

        • DarkOz on 11/12/2015 - 09:02
          +3

          @bluecasper: If that's your story you need to update your original post. We can only judge on the information given.

        • [Deactivated] on 11/12/2015 - 09:25
          +6

          @bluecasper:

          So you've had to lend him large sums of money in the past (good on you for helping a friend out of course) - that would indicate to us that he doesn't have much or anything saved away? His income now is irrelevant, IMO. Whatever he earns doesn't determine how generous he should be.

          I can understand your point of view and feelings but try to think of it all from his perspective too. Why might he be reluctant to return the favour to you? Is it pure selfishness and being a bad friend, or is there more to it? Perhaps he is anxious about the money he has now and holds onto it tightly for fear of losing it (he has been out of a job and needy before - think of what that might do to a person's mindset/attitude.. don't take it personally.. he might just have fears that obscure his clarity?).

          And maybe he still is looking for a house. There are a lot of unknowns. So you could potentially choose to end a friendship like this over something as silly as money (which complicates any relationship and stresses most people - family bicker over it, married couples split over it, etc). Or step back and think about it with less emotion.

          Ultimately it's up to you though. How much do you value the friendship etc. It's dangerous to have certain expectations from people/friends/family though. Treat people how you want to treat them.. how you truly feel you would regardless of circumstances. But don't do things expecting something in return, or do things purely so they owe you in some way. Life isn't always fair and equal. Just be a good person yourself - but don't judge others for being bad and worthy of shaming or ostracising for not meeting the same 'standards'.

        • Maki on 11/12/2015 - 09:40
          +6

          @bluecasper:

          That's not wrong, no one's obliged to lend money to you. If your friend said no, just trust that there's a reason behind and move on. Keep thinking about this would affect your friendship.

        • Scrooge McDuck on 11/12/2015 - 09:53
          +11

          This will be a tricky thread; everyone should read the OP's revisions before replying:

          From the first reply to this reply by OP, the top-level replies have responded to an OP which included this question:

          If you get a chance, would you make him feel embarrassed in front of all other friends by flagging this issue?

          Since then, that question has been pruned and these statements added:

          For your information, this person earns more than $100k and I have lend him more than $5,000 in the past when he did not have job. I have only asked him to lend $1,000 so I understand it was an opportunity to return the favour.

  • ChillBro on 11/12/2015 - 08:21
    +17

    I would give you the middle finger on addition to the cold shoulder. I'm not your personal bank. And for the risk involved, even if I were to lend you money, I would want more interest than what banks charge.

  • Brick50 on 11/12/2015 - 08:23
    +21

    what planet are you from? If anyone asked me to borrow a decent sum of money I would decline, I think it's ridiculous you expect your friends to lend you money…

  • pjetson on 11/12/2015 - 08:28
    +8

    I am thinking that he just made an excuse. He is still in contact but I tend to avoid him now. Should I say goodbye for good?
    What would you do? If you get a chance, would you make him feel embarrassed in front of all other friends by flagging this issue?

    So what if your friend wasn't able to, or didn't want to, loan you any money. Do you really know his circumstances? Perhaps he really was looking for a house. Maybe he still is - you said your own search was tiring and long. Perhaps he didn't have the money, or has some obligations that you don't know about.

    I think you're acting like a spoiled brat, and I think he is better off without you as a "friend" if this is the way you think.

  • supnigs super skids on 11/12/2015 - 08:29
    +8

    Why would you even ask friends to borrow big money? Should never do that if you really value the relationship yet alone, consider taunting him for not lending..

    He should be the one reconsidering the friendship..

  • DarkOz on 11/12/2015 - 08:33
    +10

    Money and friends should not be mixed. You can't even mix money and relatives, even some close relatives. I know from first hand experience.

    First of all remember that you are asking a friend for a big favour. Some friends might be fine with it but don't expect all friends to. It doesn't matter why your friend said no. It's your problem that you expected him to say yes.

  • slow on 11/12/2015 - 08:41
    +1

    If a friend of yours asked you to borrow a large sum of money whilst you were looking to buy a properly would you lend it to them??

  • jatcave on 11/12/2015 - 08:43
    +32

    Ditch your friend. He doesn't need people like you in his life. If I could neg your post, op, I would. Lending a large sum of money to a friend is dangerous territory. Money is a contentious topic in a friendship, as is highlighted in this case. Did you consider that fact that perhaps his purchase fell through. And further to that, you want to humiliate him?!?! Your last question should be "What kind of friend am I?", to which the answer would be "a prick"!

  • hepc on 11/12/2015 - 08:46
    +1

    "when I decided to purchase one house" - considering your situation I'm glad you settled on just buying one..in fact you probably should settle for no houses

  • [Deactivated] on 11/12/2015 - 08:47
    +5

    i trust my mates with my life but not with my cash ;-)

  • treeman on 11/12/2015 - 08:48
    +3

    I'm surprised you got people to lend you money in the first place.

  • tomleonhart on 11/12/2015 - 08:50
    +5

    What would you do with this kind of person? If you get a chance, would you make him feel embarrassed in front of all other friends by flagging this issue?

    Do your friends a favor and flag this issue to all of them. Let them decide who the ahole is.

  • Third_Gear on 11/12/2015 - 08:52
    +6

    "when I decided to purchase one house after tiring long search. I did not have enough deposit" <— So you spent a long time looking for a house and decided to buy one before you had your money lined up?!?!?!! Your friend made the right choice because what if he found the perfect house a week later and didn't have the money ready? Buying a house for some people doesn't take months (in my case it took two weeks to find one and a further 3 weeks to close the deal) and as you know you need to pay the deposit right away.

    Why would you put your friend in that position? I think all the replies so far are spot on. The community has spoken - thread closed.

  • gevidian on 11/12/2015 - 08:54
    +10

    I would not be embarrassed if I was the one who gave you nothing and you flagged it in front of mutual friends. The mutual friends would probably think to themselves "I wish I had the courage and strength like him to say no to a friend with a horrible entitlement attitude".

    Most people arrange/plan for their deposit ahead or during their long, exhaustive search for a house. I guess you were hoping the "deposit fairy" would show up and help you. No mention of if you offered any interest or incentive payments to to your friends to lend you their money for 2.5 months. I guess your definition of a friend is someone from whom you can get something for nothing in return.

    I am really glad I do not have friends like you.

    • DarkOz on 11/12/2015 - 09:03

      Please do tell everyone everything that you know. We don't hold a crytal ball. Update your original post.

      • Ash-Say on 11/12/2015 - 09:05

        Thanks done. Sorry for not making it clear earlier!!

  • DarkOz on 11/12/2015 - 09:09

    Well, judging on the new information I would ditch this friend but I wouldn't embarrass him in front of other friends. $1,000 from someone earning over 100k is peanuts and borrowing one fifth of what you lent him before is more than reasonable. If I was that friend I would at least lend you $5,000 if not $10,000.

  • [Deactivated] on 11/12/2015 - 09:13
    +11

    Never mix friendships and money.

    • ProjectZero on 11/12/2015 - 09:23
      +4

      My exact motto, except I would go further to say any relationship you wish to keep, keep it separate from money. If you are willing to lend anyone money, don't expect to see it again.

  • Edsanwong on 11/12/2015 - 09:15
    +6

    When my bank for 15 years refused my credit card application, I was so upset. But hey, I still have relationship with the bank.
    Of course a friend is more valuable than greedy australian big banks.

    It is fair enough if you think 'Hey dude, I helped with $5K money many times in the past, now I need only way less than $5K, you dont want to help me'. If this enough to break the friendship, go for it. But, no need to bring up in front of other friends with the purpose to ridicule or embarass him (very likely it would back fire to you). If you go this way, as tomleohart said above "Let them decide who the ahole is"

    I hope your helps in the past to your friend, were true helps, without expecting any return in the future.

    When helping someone, help with open heart.

    • DarkOz on 11/12/2015 - 09:18
      +1

      It's not about expecting any return in the future. Friends look after each other and obviously his now rich friend doesn't.

    • Ash-Say on 11/12/2015 - 09:23
      +1

      Please see my comment above, I admit I should not flag it in front of other friends. But I would say a friend is someone who you can rely on and discuss your issues with. You don't go to strangers to seek help.

  • Mad Max on 11/12/2015 - 09:29
    +4

    Nobody should feel obliged to lend money to a friend, but if he was prepared to borrow money from you in first place he must definitely be prepared to return the favour.

    • aggregate on 11/12/2015 - 09:41
      +5

      No he should not. Circumstances might not be right. If he is saving to buy a house then every dollar counts.

      Friendship should not be valued with money.

  • Mikinoz on 11/12/2015 - 09:36
    +5

    Friendship shouldn't be confused with finances, take the money out of the equation are they a good friend?. Seems some people are obsessed with financial aspects. Try to move on from it the problem you had has been resolved, friends are generally for long term and you have to be understanding and communicative. For me because I have done something in the past doesn't mean I expect it in the future.

  • inherentchoice on 11/12/2015 - 09:50
    +11

    If you want to say "goodbye for good" to a friend just because he didn't lend you money, then what kind of a friend does that make you???

Login or Join to leave a comment
Login Join