Just to keep it simple and to ask for advice.
My 20 year old son just spoke to my wife and asked for money, $4000….
Apparently he can't pay his (shared house) rent.
He lost his licence speeding and had his car impounded, then got caught driving and got more fines.
His work has cut his hours cause he didn't want to work nights anymore.
I, to be quite frank i'm not happy to just fork over my very hard earned money so he can learn "lessons" in life….
I go with out a lot in life to save my money but my wife just said to me "he is your son".
His Facebook lately is just full of pictures of clubbing and pubs.
Hi all, the out come….
Yes it was stated a gazillion times, don't lend the money but any way.
So I paid a fine for him and gave him a $2900 loan so $3370 he owes us.
He is supposed to be changing positions in his work which will be 5 days a week so he could easily pay us back.
Don't worry we put him through hell to get this money, we wanted ins and outs of everything.
If all else fails he could work for us for free lol as our best worker is leaving us soon.
Do I expect to see the money paid back? No not really but honestly I want only about half back as its his birthday soon but I'm not telling him that.
Thanks for the support or lack there of, now I've got to go and build some bridges…
Work with him. Sure we'll help. First you phone work in my earshot, apologise for making rosters difficult for them, say you appreciate the work, and would like to get more serious about work could I please have more hours next roster. Won't do that, or excuses away why it won't work? Says the boss won't listen? Ok - so make the call anyway. Not willing to take any step yourself? Then no help. Shows contrition and does it? (Or similar - like talking to other people he's renting with, landlord, etc.) Then sit down and do a budget. Work out his debts. Set up labelled jars and allocate money. Show what needs to be done to prevent and overcome it next time. Using receipts, real amounts, etc.
If he's not prepared to do this, he's just looking for an easy out. He'll sincerely say he won't ask again, won't let it happen again, but will be back to the path of least resistance when the next unexpected financial problem happens - asking for money. And if it turns into a guilt trip, sighs, says don't worry about it… explain it again. The young are mostly selfish, grow up far too late, want their Big Mac NOW…
You decide what help you give. But he puts at least the effort in that produces some growth. He works through paying it back - to someone either way (it might be necessary to keep him being kicked out for example). If so, he agrees to repayment terms. Make it clear if he mucks those up, not to bother seeking advice next time.
And ask him how he can solve it all the way through. Next time he might apply those things himself.
Just saying a flat no with no offer of help is nasty. But putting the total amount into his hand without any effort on his part isn't dealing with reality. It's what government does - welfare - to make people dependent on government as that parent that solves everything. No one wants to teach that to their children. But they do want to teach compassion.
My parents gave no help. When it came time to register my car I wouldn't go anywhere, wouldn't eat. But it was just nasty. Instead of learning wisdom, I learned parents are not there when you really needed help - and government is, because although I was hungry government still filled my bank ever two weeks.
Also the fact your wife spoke to you, shows she considers you equal, or the final decision maker. He showed the opposite (no matter if he realised it or not). He probably should have spoken to both parents together. Asking one on the behalf of two is not on, and can cause trouble where there was none. Which shows he either doesn't understand how mature relationships work, or if he does, and didn't care about the results. i.e. Immature and selfish. He needs to be told this early in the conversation, then offered advice and help.
Make it clear you're both ready to help him solve it - family project! But will not magically fix it for him. Make that clear several times so it sinks in (they really don't listen - all they hear is "no, blah, blah, blag").
If after hearing it several times he doesn't want to do anything himself with help then either he's lazy, the problem isn't really as bad as he makes out and he was just after easy money, or doesn't have the ability to admit mistakes and learn from them.
Say to him there will be no judgements, just guidance. And keep asking him can you see any way to fix this, which needs to be paid first, which can be put off, which will take a minor extra payment over time, etc.
If that's not good enough, then what else can you do? Fixing it for him is not being a father a son or wife can respect. And it's hard because people in our society are still immature into their 30s and beyond. But tossing him out without the offer of guidance is just as bad. It misses the chance to teaching a life skill that our useless school system claimed it would but didn't.
Explaining these things to your wife beforehand should get her wife on side too - shows you're willing to be reasonable loving parents whenever it's needed throughout his life - and prepared not to judge, and to back off when he decides it's not really needed or wanted.
If he walks, has a tantrum, whatever - say well that's your decision we want you to know the help will still be here if you decide to accept it.
Be compassionate parents but not a reserve wallet.