Hi everyone!
Another wedding related post, this time with a poll!
How much did you receive from your wedding wishing well?
Everyone's spends are different so below are options presented as percentages.
I suppose the percentages will vary depending on the type of wedding – seated 3 course, buffet, cocktail, backyard etc, so feel free to elaborate in the comments.
Comments on how much you gave as a wedding present are also welcome.
Thanks for taking part!
Can I urge you to toss some small change in the "well".
A friend who was the first among my acquaintances to introduce this 'custom' got this treatment from me and revealed 15yrs later she was still browned off that one of her guests contributed 85c.
I didn't come clean, and I never will!
She did like the gift we gave.
I like it. That pile of random foreign coins is about to become useful.
Plus a button or two for 'good luck' or whatever. Maybe some zinc-gal washers too.
Does it entertain you to find that she was upset about someone throwing 85c in? Why don't you own up?
It certainly entertained me.
Every wedding I've attended had a wishing well, I assumed it was the norm these days. When was the last time you went to a wedding and did you rock up with a toaster?
I'd rather receive nothing than 10 toasters – this is what a gift registry or wishing well would avoid, though neither are obligatory.
Last was about 6 months ago, they were well aware of what I think of weddings.
I loathe this "you are invited to our 'special day' and here is exactly what we want in exchange" attitude.
though neither are obligatory
"Here's your toaster!"
You must be fun at weddings
@one man clan: I take it you have yet to read my book "101 fun things to do with a toaster at weddings".
Here the thing, @OP says gifts & cash are optional, but doesn't realise that spending mega-bucks on a wedding is optional as well. And the more you spend, the more likely you are to get divorced: http://www.genfkd.org/wedding-spending-divorce-rates
A friend of mine did all 'the usual' for her first wedding, for the second she said she put on her dress, walked out into her back yard and got married.
I've been to few wedding like that, you treat it as party. Never mind the present, just bring food & booze. All of those people are still married.
(As an aside, beside the joke toaster I always make something - picture frames, wooden goblets, last one was pens - they're always well received. Many years ago I gave someone cartoon books - long story.)
@D C: God that study is TERRIBLE. Any statistician associated with that study should be fired immediately. Correlation != Causation. Hell, here correlation != correlation.
Here's a few possible and yet completely unrelated reasons for the results:
Couples with a lot of in-law involvement will have more expensive weddings because the in-laws are likely to contribute, but likewise they are also more likely to meddle in the marriage.
Older people have more money for weddings, I'm sure the proportion of second-or-later weddings are also higher among older people, which is a roundabout way of saying - if you've divorced before, you're more likely to divorce again.
And that's just off the top of my head.
@0blivion: Well, money is about the biggest cause of divorce (shagging others probably #1) so deciding to spend up & get in debt for the wedding doesn't bode well.
I've heard the "bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage" thing for a while, one alleged factor is for the wife that was supposed to have been the biggest day of her life, and since it probably was it's all downhill from there. That doesn't help with her happiness much.
I'd disagree with your points and pull some out of my own rear (actually #1 re. inlaws is fair enough) but I've noticed second marriages tend to last (first being young and stupid) and they tend not to make them large affairs.
Of course the standard sequence is you marry for lust, then love, then money.
@D C: Eh, I'm not making the claim so the onus for supporting it isn't really on me.
But getting in debt for a wedding certainly isn't smart - but then it'd go towards "intelligence of people involved and rate of divorce", not necessarily amount spent. If you spend $100k but can afford it, are you better off than someone who spent $20k but had to borrow $10k?
And nope, your thought about second marriages doesn't pan out either:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/second-marriages-are-…
Haven't read more than the summary of it, but basically first marriages last the longest just because divorcing once is more likely to mean you're the divorcing 'type'.
@0blivion: That Huffington post article is dodgier than one I gave.
I'm sure there are some statistic out there (there sure weren't any in the article or even in the "statistics show that second" link). Don't bother reading either.
Anyway, the '2nd marriages last longer' is just my observation.
@D C:
I'm well aware there are cheaper options for weddings. Also this exercise is not to determine the final budget but more so to get an idea from people's experience.
As per below post the stats would suggest more correlation than causation so what's the point? If the relationship is rocky already would a cheap wedding salvage that?
Also just to note a gift you deem thoughtful may not be received equally at the other end.
@XYH: And just to add another note I'll decide what I give you as a present. If you demand as certain item or amount of cash - well, I've got other less materialistic friends.
I normally try not to bring race into these discussions, but the receptions where there are majority asians generally bring in much more $$$ in return.
(Granted, I think the whole wishing well thing is an asian tradition, so asians tend to have a better understanding of how much to put).
Yup. And Asians don't have any weird hangups about being asked to contribute just money to a wedding - weddings and marriages and setting up a family takes money. I see absolutely nothing wrong with contributing to my friends' marriage 'start-up' with cash because it's the most versatile of gifts. THAT overrides any need for me to show off my thoughtfulness.
They're pretty much selling tickets for the party and asking for a donating too. Friend's wedding made quite a profit.
We got married way before this wishing well fad even existed. We requested no gifts. Just a donation to breast cancer research. A cause close to our hearts (pardon the pun)
Weddings are about sharing love with friends and family not percentages or return on investment.
Yeah but as a friend, I'd also like to help my friends get set up in their new home and money is the most versatile thing I can give.
It's not just "giving money is cold and calculating".
asian weddings are run like a business. They aim to use the proceeds to pay off the wedding + contribute to honeymoon/house deposit
The older generation, yes, but the younger generation aren't so focussed on that anymore (unless there's a huge influence from the oldies).
irrespective of generations, who doesn't love money?
The younger asian generation get annoyed at how their parents and in-laws invite a whole heap of relatives and "friends off the street" that no-one's ever seen before and the whole wedding celebration turns into a circus, with a whole lot of old people whinging and whining about cold food or not enough food or pretty much anything they can think of.
I've had many friends deliberately do their weddings overseas so that only the closer family and friends make the effort to come. The guests come because they want to come celebrate, not just because there's a free meal. These guys have also provided time and cash to help their guests attend, so the money side of it hasn't been important.
I can agree to some things you have said
From my experience, my asian "mates" prioritise their ROI from the wedding. Cheaping out as much as possible (home made cards, cheap food at reception, mates rates photographer). Bloody ridiculous, they almost forget the whole point of a wedding
@Jason Genova:
I'm not sure if you're saying that by minimising costs they're forgetting the point of the wedding, or if prioritising their return on investment they are.
I thought weddings were about two people choosing to spend their lives together, and possibly making this celebration in front of the people they care about most in their lives? But maybe I'm wrong.
Also, irrespective of generations, when has a house+appliances NOT cost money?
From my experience…..
I guess different groups have different priorities.
I have, however, come across some tightarses previously though - I choose not to hang with them enough to be invited to their weddings! haha
(btw… I didn't neg you)
Guess I'm not the right age/cultural background for this. Don't know anyone that had one.
But I guess if you're going to do this to pay for the wedding, why not go a step further and just sell tickets?
Super Platinum gets the bridal table, General Admission seated up the back with the photographer. VIP and you can come back to the hotel with the bride and groom.
Distasteful
Lighten up, son.
Never said it was obligatory, the poll is simply asking from people's experience.
Time has changed, every wedding I've attended had a wishing well.
Never said anything about it being obligatory, thought I'd offer my experience.
But yeah, times change. So why not ticket it? That way, you could get a much easier idea of how likely you are to cover your expenses.
I usually give $100-$150 per guest (so $200-$300 for me and the missus)
We usually give:
- $100 per guest if it is a friend/ colleague
- $150 per guest if it is a close friend
- $200 per guest if it is our best friends/ family
At our wedding, we did not see the wishing well as a means to generate money to cover our costs. I think you should just pay/budget what you can afford.. Whatever you get from the wishing well should just be seen as a gift and used as a gift (honeymoon/ home deposit etc). We personally chose the wishing well as we've lived together for years and already owned 2 toasters, plates and cutlery!!
As a point of reference for your calculations, we got 50% back. I think it depends how old you/ your friends are when you get married. I found that most people of our age (early/ mid twenties) gave less than people in their thirties/ forties.
Standard these days you're looking at 200pp for the couple getting married, and that usually covers the basics for them
Anyone closer and you'd start upping that (or if you know it's at a specific venue)
I would think around $100pp would be more reasonable. I guess if you were planning on drinking the bar dry then $200pp would be understandable.
When you know their cost price, the consideration is that you want them to break even - not pay for your meal
100 doesn't come close I can tell you that after I went through the numbers of mine
End of the day depends how much of a friend you consider them to be
I would think around $100pp would be more reasonable.
I think you'll find that the costs per table have jumped up quite a bit over the years.
A typical table of 12 at a chinese restaurant is about $1500 alone and that's just the entry level table.
Go slightly higher up to include abalone or sharkfin for the oldies and there's not much change from $2000 per table. Then you add a nice bottle of Hennessey to each table.
The price sometimes doesn't even include the decorations on the seats and tables that needs to be hired and paid for separately.
You can see how quickly costs start to add up.
The underwritten rule is, you put in the red pocket what it costs to have you there, plus a little more as a present. I've counted the money on many occasions and there's been some very small amounts that we've had a laugh at, but I've never seen it held against anyone. (sssh… it's usually the non-asian colleagues! haha)
For a normal friend, I'd normally put $300 per person; and for a close friend, it's $800 to $1000 depending on what the other close friends put. It's not to outdo anyone - it's just so all the close friends put in the same amount. The bigger amounts help offset some of the smaller amounts that the couple might receive.
If there's anyone I'm not close enough to not want to part with $300, then I just don't go at all.
I think they are a good idea. Having a gift registry seems a bit pretentious to me. Allowing people to buy whatever is just stupid as you will no doubt get multiple items of the same of which you already own (how many cutlery sets do you really need).
Just make sure that you have a lock on the wishing well or assign someone to guard it. My sister attended a wedding recently where one of the kitchen staff at the venue stole a number of the envelopes and a considerable amount of money. Of course they only discovered this quite later after embarrassingly asking one of their friends if they contributed. Ended up finding the missing cards minus cash in the dumpster at the venue after going back.
Good advice but I'd thought that was a given. I mean - it's literally a box filled with cash, yes you should have someone watch it.
We got about 60% back.
Depends on how "close" we are to the newlyweds. General figure is about $100pp if they're just acquaintances, $150pp if they're friends, $$300+ pp if they're best friends and about $500pp if they're siblings.
We had a wishing well. I don't remember how much we got. It's just not important anymore. My wife do remind me of people who gave nothing, not because we got no money but because we didn't even get a card. I take the opinion not to dwell on it.
Honestly spend whatever you can afford and expect 0% return. Any money you do get will be a bonus.
I try to be anti social just enough to not get invited to weddings.
haha, exactly my way of thinking too
I don't understand the question - there's not a dollar amount? Are you actually asking how much of the wedding did the wishing well fund?
We didn't have one, but we received gift vouchers from many people. I think it worked out to around $1500 in total, which to be honest, was a sizeable proportion of our entire wedding cost.
I find it quite awful that people judge others on how much they can afford to give someone.
And if I have to give money at weddings, it's $50. And sometimes, that really hurts.
Are you actually asking how much of the wedding did the wishing well fund?
Yeah that. If the wedding cost $10,00 and you made $5000 from the well, then select 50%.
It's, yeah, err, yuk. "As one of our closest friends you are invited to our wedding, please give us as much cash as possible to fund out extravagant weeding."
Another 'trend' is making bridesmaids chip in for the dress. Hopefully not becoming a thing.
Never mind the old favourite "…and the wedding is in Bali! See you there!"
The way I see it:
As a guest, it's somewhat of an honour to be invited, and I'm getting free food and drink, and it's someone I have some kind of relationship with so add all that together, I'm going to pay at least the cost of what I'm eating and drinking, plus something extra to help the newlyweds to set themselves up.
Anyone in the bridal party is there to help the newlyweds (and they usually help a LOT), so getting a free dress, suit, gifts, etc out of the wedding is a given, but even when I've been part of the bridal party I've chipped into the wishing well because it usually means the newlyweds are people I'm especially close to.
The main point though, is that all of this is discretionary and not some kind of obligation - there might be social expectations but those shouldn't come from any of the people involved. It's a little like Xmas gift-giving between close friends - you don't give someone a present because you expect, or they're obliged, to give one back. You give each other presents because you want to, that's it.
Seems like the ones who despise the concept of a wishing well are people reluctant to contribute anything to a friend's wedding.
'Congrats both just here for the free food and booze'
The money received in your wishing well are most likely 100% given in return when you attend their wedding anyway.
So when you have parties do you have a door charge or do you set up a wishing well there?
Do family members at least get mates rates?
If you invite me to a party, I'm happy to bring along a couple of bottles or wine or whatever, why should I treat your wedding as any different?
Obviously the cost of the wedding is concerning you, the simplest option is to scale it down. After all, the "wedding stuff" is incidental to the actual "getting married" bit, right?
I got invited to a party once. Rocked up with a bottle of whatever and was informed it was actually a wedding. Fair enough then. Great time has be all, and no stress to the people getting married because they didn't set out to create any.
The only people who really care about your wedding are you and possibly your overbearing family. Your friends really don't give that much of crap about how, where and why your getting married.
In Japan, guests are expected to give around $300 (equivalent). that works out to being $100 for the cost of the wedding, $100 gift, and $100 goes to a gift registry where the attendant receives a fancy ikea catalogue type book and can choose a gift from the book, send away and get it. My wife attended two weddings in september and so we sent away for a deep fryer and shoulder bag (definitely worth less than $50 each). So thats the wedding industry making profit from reverse-gifting.
That being said, we're not opting for that, like others do, so around $200 is a fair amount.
Its also important that if you are requesting/preferring monetary gifts from your guests, you have a thoughtful explanation for the use for the money (insert lifehacker link here).
What are you going to spend the money on?
We had a wishing well that we said would go towards a few big ticket items, a list of things (like a gift registry) that a family friend had that we sent out and people contacted them to let her know what they were going to get or find out what was left. (I assume there is a way to do this online now) I more subscribe to have the wedding you can afford, invite the people you are happy to shout a meal, and whatever you get given is a bonus. But I am not Asian. Based on the above, I generally will gift maybe a bit over what the PP cost would likely be, but don't factor ancillary costs like dress/rings/carhire into the equation.
Haha I recently attended a Finnish Couple's Wedding in Finland where they actually included their bank details with the invite to transfer the money directly in to their bank accounts. I thought it was pretty cool idea, cuts out the meddling of envelopes and security of the wedding well :D
My Wife and I received about 80% back from our wishing well
Everyone gets a toaster. Sod your gift registry & wishing well crap.