The Issues with Family and Work Balance

ireadtermsofuse on 12/07/2020 - 19:40

Our precious daughter came into our lives 9 weeks ago and I’m having conflicts with mum at the moment because she has a different viewpoint than what I do.

I’ve managed to secure a job after losing my previous one due to COVID about 3 weeks ago and there I’ve been times when my wife hasn’t been coping so I asked my boss if it’s OK to take 3 days off to help her get back on her feet.

The boss says it’s perfectly fine because he went through the same situation as I did and he said family should always come first, in which I had always believed in before we even wanted kids.

Now, my mum and I had an argument because she said I shouldn’t always take time off work in case they won’t give me any more shifts. Fair enough, I’m financially stable at the moment but I said the boss is perfectly fine and he even gave me a day off this week to tend to my wife again.

If I don’t get any more shifts, so be it. Although, work may be hard to come by at the moment, as long as my family is doing well, that’s all that matters.

I need your opinion. Family first or work?

Poll Options

  • 146
    Family First
  • 9
    Work First
Education & Work

Comments

  • loulou1 on 12/07/2020 - 19:41
    +37

    The decision is for you and your wife to make, no one else. Your mother doesn’t get a say.

    • Pineapples on 12/07/2020 - 19:49

      Absolutely! Although I do understand that there are some cultural implications for some people.

      • dust on 12/07/2020 - 19:57
        +2

        The wife and MIL usually cause the most tensions for some reason. Definitely cultural implications for a lot of Asian families but in most cases, it's worth siding with your wife over mum!

      • Pineapples on 12/07/2020 - 21:25
        +2

        P.S. Congratulations on your daughter!!

    • chyawala on 16/07/2020 - 04:43

      Indeed this is a matter of interference in the relationship from the mother. Interference is toxic and potentially damaging, and what you do as a couple and family is not their business. As a couple with a child, you are the family, and the mother is now a relative. As a couple forge a strong mutual understanding of defining this, as well as how you will effectively deal with relational interference from others. This is important as while you can tell your own mother to beat it with imposing her ideology, it may be near impossible to deal with if your in-laws incite resentment in your wife.

  • Muzeeb on 12/07/2020 - 19:47
    -7

    Mummies boy?

  • [Deactivated] on 12/07/2020 - 19:50
    +22

    Why does it have to be a binary option?

    Sometimes family comes first. Sometimes work.

    You get a phone call whilst you're at work. It's a busy day and your team is about to lose their cool. The wife calls and wants you to run across town to get her favourite takeaway. Work first.

    You get a call at work. There's nothing much going on but could get busy, your work mates want you to stay for no other reason than team spirit. The wife tells you your kid just hurt him/herself. Family first.

    Use discretion. You can manage both.

    • Halo375 on 12/07/2020 - 20:18

      This - it has to be a bit of a balancing act, I’m going through something similar and as long as you’re trying your beat you should receive support on both sides. You do need to build up some credibility in your new job so take take advantage of your bosses kindness. At the same time no point working yourself to death whilst your home life crumbles. Hang in there, you can do this.

    • Bob Svargis on 13/07/2020 - 08:22

      tshow's explanation is the best I've heard so far.

  • spackbace on 12/07/2020 - 20:26
    +6

    You almost need to distance yourself from your mum right now to keep some sanity and focus on your new family. Your kid and wife need more of your attention right now than your mum

  • Brucet on 12/07/2020 - 21:18
    +1

    Don't listen to your mum. Keep away from her if you can. Put your own family first.

  • Orico on 12/07/2020 - 21:37
    -3

    My last two managers were female and I felt like I spent a lot of my time covering for them while they raised their kids. I didn't mind it, but I wish they would put family first and just move down to a lower position with less responsibility.

  • Okayy on 12/07/2020 - 21:40
    -1

    Indian mom?

    • tallkid123 on 12/07/2020 - 22:58
      -1

      Really?

      It'd be an Indian mum if the wife wanted to immediately go back to work and the mother thought otherwise.

      Although not enough info from OP's story about his partner to confirm any further.

  • [Deactivated] on 12/07/2020 - 21:40
    -4

    Family in this case, this 'job' sounds shit

    • [Deactivated] on 12/07/2020 - 21:51
      +9

      This job where the boss can relate and is giving OP time off to tend to his family?

    • payton on 12/07/2020 - 22:59
      +1

      do you even have a job?

      • timthetoolman on 13/07/2020 - 12:21

        Full time 'trying to be funny on OzBargain and failing'

  • Ughhh on 12/07/2020 - 21:50
    +4

    Bit of a chicken and egg situation imo.

    Family should always come first, but without a job, can you support your family? A healthy balance and discretion is what is needed.

    • sal78 on 14/07/2020 - 18:22

      yes exactly

  • D C on 12/07/2020 - 22:48
    +1

    Send your mum off to do your job while you help out with the kid.

    Everyone happy.

  • tallkid123 on 12/07/2020 - 22:55

    You have a new born child.

    As far as I'm concerned, you're untouchable right now.

    If I were your manager and I told you to put the job first over your baby girl OP, I could predict your reaction.

  • kanmen on 12/07/2020 - 23:37
    +1

    I think its also important to note that this may be a generational difference. I definitely think that our parents generation worked really hard, sometimes at the expense of the emotional wellbeing of their families because a sense of prosperity was linked to wealth and money etc.

    These days we're not so willing to sacrifice our mental wellbeing and relationships for money. Maybe this is something you should make clear to your Mother.

    This is not meant to be a dig at either side, I understand and can relate to both and I don't begrudge those that worked damn hard to provide but I think family is important too.

  • askme69 on 13/07/2020 - 00:31

    If you aren't going to fall back on the government for help, then family first.

    What exactly isn't your wife coping with?

  • Brendoo on 13/07/2020 - 08:03
    +1

    One point… the answers to the poll may not be so black and white.

    When I chose "Family First" I am also meaning your work is very important, to the point where it's more important to be at work and not taking days off ONLY if taking those days off may cause you to lose your job and thus make your family situation even worse than it is now due to lack of income. i.e. Family First actually becomes Family Second if you have no job.

    But if you can survive for 6+ months without a job and be financially ok, then the job is not an immediate concern.

    But if in fact you aren't financially ok for a long period if you lost your job, I would agree with your Mum to a large degree and can totally see where she is coming from.

    Are you in a position where other family members (yours or wife's parents) can assist with the new-born while you are at work? This may be a much better solution. I guess you'd be doing that if it was possible.

    I would also never trust your employer. I have enough working years under my belt to know that when an employer says "sure, no problem, take a few days off", often they are thinking "ok, let's get rid of this new bloke, he's too unreliable". But the employer doesn't want to come across as discriminating against family because that can get them into other trouble, so they come across as nice and get rid of the employee slowly (reducing hours, giving crap tasks, until the employee just quits). Totally depends on the employer though and very hard to tell unless you've worked there for years and really know them well. But hopefully for you all is good!

  • Bob Svargis on 13/07/2020 - 08:21
    +2

    Family first, however without a job, the family suffers so it's not black and white.

    Best tell your mother to stay out of it (nicely). Time to man up and be your own family unit. OK, it's not that simple, but if you don't establish boundaries now, it'll be more difficult as the kids get older.

  • DannyC on 13/07/2020 - 10:37
    +2

    Are you employed FT? Part Time? Casual?

    Given the situation with COVID I'm sure most employers are fairly "flexible" with any arrangements n such. It is rough during this time trying to balance work n family. Even though most of us are working from home, others don't have that luxury. And since you are new to your new company it does bring up issues of still being within "probation" so performance would be scrutinised more heavily. But your boss seems to relate with you but I wouldn't take advantage of this kindness.

    They work hand in hand, neither can be neglected. As @tshow said about why does it need to be a binary option, sometimes family first and sometimes it is work first. Unless you are doing 14 hour work days then that is a different story.

    You say your wife is not coping, is it to do with things like perinatal depression? I do think mental health is extremely important during this time of COVID. Not just for your wife but for you as the main bread winner. If you are struggling ask for help… don't think that it is all on you. That sort of pressure won't do you any good for your physical and most importantly your own mental health.

  • sal78 on 14/07/2020 - 18:32
    +1

    So many ppl have no choice and manage. The 1st born is always more precious and everything’s brand new.

    What exactly is it that your wife cannot manage? can mil help? 9 weeks baby.. should get easier soon. Lot of resources on the internet, routine, feeds etc There are ways to teach baby to sleep at night, put themselves back to sleep when they wake up etc I need routine and I need sleep. Read the Dr Harvey Karp’s 5s and Gary Ezzo’s On Becoming Babywise.

    Just by being in a routine and ensuring fhat baby drinks the required amt of milk for body weight between 7am and 7pm, they will sleep longer until they sleep through. If they wake up, you can pat them back to sleep, give water or give milk feed but usually they don’t take much because you have actually eliminated hunger as a reason for waking up. Once they realize, no point to wake up, they will sleep through.

    I have 1 + 2 (twins) and they all slept 7am -7pm by 11 weeks. Twins slept through on same night.

    Having a good nights rest really does wonders. My husband would take the 7am feed and leave for work at 8am. He would get home to help with bedtime routine of bath, feed, sleep. After 7pm.. we have freedom!

    That was our most favourite stage.

  • ozbjunkie on 16/07/2020 - 22:31

    As long as you aren't relying upon mum for money or housing, she gets no say.

    Congrats on the new job and the new family member.

    Wife over mum btw, but they shouldn't be making you choose. Let them battle them out.

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