As the saying goes, "comparison is the thief of joy".
Several years ago, I started a grad program with a cohort of people and some became friends. Since then we all moved on to different companies and It consistently feels like I am competing with them in terms of pay and title. Whilst it's easy to just say "don't compare yourself with others", I feel like it's hard to do.
Does anyone have any tips and thoughts of getting out of this toxic cycle.
you sad?š
Lol I agree with what you say except the low testosterone bit.
But yeah it sounds like money matters to you (hey nothing wrong with that right) and you just work hard for it. Definitely donāt agree on going into the debate others have made in getting a life or money doesnāt mean everything. There are people who just enjoy making money. And yes turn it into a motivation to drive yourself. Absolutely perfect. Itās free fuel that has doesnāt cause global warming haha
You need to ask yourself what it is that is behind your jealousy. Is it feelings of inadequacy or is it something else. Once you work that out it can help you towards understanding it.
I rarely comment but felt the need to with this question OP, maybe I can help as I don't have this same issue an in fact I pride myself on approaching life in a different way…
I also cant wrap my head around people who compete or feel jealous of others promotions…(or generally) I have been on the receiving end of people like this also and not only do they attempt (and sometimes succeed in trying to make you feel bad) often they don't feel any better about their own situation anyway.
First think about why you are comparing yourself to these people in the first place? what is the glue joining the connection… you were all grads in the same co-hort and SO WHAT that has virtually no connection to whatever time you are now in .. into the future…
your goal should be actually competing against yourself … think of your former or past self as the 'ghost' which you are striving to better and/or improve your life in whatever ways that is…
competing against others absolutely proves nothing.. have a serious think about whether in fact your competing with people that are even worth trying to emulate..your focus and goal posts are wrong and you would get alot further and faster on your own journey by not worrying about what others are doing and focus that energy and attention inwards
run your own race… im a loser apparently according to "GerrardsSlip" LOL
remember your not trying to be the "best" in a group of 5 people…. THEN WHAT??? your trying to be the best person you can be, thats your goal.. re-wire your thinking…because actually competing with a small group of people is a very narrow minded focus and selling yourself short.
To OP… I was in a grad program too. Some of those I was in the program with are now in higher management positions. Some of my past subordinates are now in higher management positions.
I personally NEVER wanted to be in management positions unless it made sense for me to be. It's a high stress job and I already suffer from hypertension. Instead, I've put my focus on investments. I can say that I'm probably doing better than most of them when it comes to investments because I started early and kept the momentum going.
Job titles are total wank.
I had senior in my title at 26
20 years later I donāt
Last job had senior in title and worked my ballz off burned out and got no thanks when I left, new job I donāt have senior in title but earn 30k more.
Who gives a f at the end of the day
We had a saying "call me stupid but pay me another $20k"
Some people think titles are everything. They think it gets them somewhere. There are CEOs on $250k then there are CEOs on $1m.
moving up the ranks means more stress. sure you get more pay, but you cant buy back time (working late and on weekends, stressing out about the reports). I'd rather live comfortably, and not worry about work once I clock off. if your peers need the money and title - more power to them! If you do need the same, then yeah, get the promotion, but what your peers do shouldnt be the motivator
Do you guys not learn about "care factor = 0" any more?
Learning not to pay attention to things that are detrimental to your health is one of the best skills to have .
Provided you can figure out what is be for you.
Easy. Do what you love then youāll be happy. If youāre really happy then people will compare themselves to you.
Focus on your own journey mate. Your only objective from your career is to fund the lifestyle that genuinely makes you happy and whole.
When i made $45k a year this cycle was all i could think about; others making more, how i was going to get there, feeling like I was behind, how much better life could be etc.
Now i make 4x this, money could not be more irrelevent. I don't care about making this much nor how what or how much anyone else makes. All I care about now is how to maintain my physical and mental wellbeing, get my time back, spend it doing things that actually make me happy and living as minimally as possible. The formula for more money (for most of us) = more stress + more time + more energy, all of which directly rob our level of happiness.
Probably could have saved a heap of lost sleep and energy if I just realised this before i put all this effort into climbing the ladder.
Its a strange phenomenom I have to say; I remember being consumed by the idea of more money and how many extra things i could buy and how good my life was going to be. Now i have the money to do it all, it no longer has the same appeal.
Not to say more money isn't better, but the utility value of money really is deminishing once you account for the sacrifice needed to get more of it.
Your own needs for happiness are unique to you and will guide what money you should be chasing. Your next step is to get there with as little cost to you as possble.
At the amount you're on now, you kind of recognise that it's realistically around as high as you can go (as an employee) and any more $$ probably won't make that much of a difference anymore. So you find yourself looking at other things in your life in that pursuit of "happiness". Hoomans will never really be satisfied. haha
you've gotta acknowledge that those things don't have the same appeal anymore because you already own them?
lets say if you can get more time, less stress + everything you want now at half your pay, then you'd probably start feeling the pinch again and wish to be back at 180k by taking on some stress + spend more time / energy no?
No, my lifestyle from when I was on $45k to now has not changed (same living arrangements, same $15k car, still go out the same amount, hang out with the same people etc, own the same things). Maybe i care even less about the bill when i go out to eat; get that extra beer without a second thought etc.
All that is has done is accelerate the pace at which i can get to a point in life where i can wind back the energy/time im spending on work; hence the bigger focus on it.
genuinely impressed - wish i could control my desires
with property prices going crazy, there is no way i could get complacent with my pay
Iām gonna join the evil bunch on this
I think itās normal. People hope their friends do well but not better than themselves. I am no saint and Iām an imperfect human and for those who really feel happy for others doing better than them (especially if they themselves have put in so much effort and still canāt seem to get ahead) Iām impressed with your selflessness but thatās not me.
Having said that I think you need to understand what is important to you. If titles and money mean a lot to you (they do a lot to me) then fine. Just work hard and earn what you want. If you are happy with having other priorities in life then donāt bother comparing things that donāt matter.
Understand that money is on the lower list of priorities to an extent. Family, health and friends are all far more important. You should try to get to a position where you can live comfortably and have a good work-life balance and that's all that really matters.
It's normal to get jealous at your age and it's ok to be so. Just don't let the emotion be too overwhelmed and either act on it (sacrifice something to get something) or eventually understand it's not the only way to be happy in life.
Does anyone have any tips and thoughts of getting out of this toxic cycle.
easier said than done, but before you get salty about other people's achievements, are you also putting in the same effort and making the same choices as they are? and unless you follow them around 24/7, you won't really know what they have put in to get to where they are today.
also, no two people's life/circumstances/path/personality will ever be the same, so even if you replicate 100% what they do, the results will probably still be different anyway, so there is no point in comparing.
if your friends are doing well, you should keep in touch with them so they might let you know if other opportunties pops up in their organisations.
you need to refocus your energy. instead of being jealous redirect your attention to what they did to get ahead, be genuinely happy for them and learn from their experiences and you'll find most people will be happy to share any tips and give a leg up. there's always more money to be made, a better job to be had - you will never be happy as there's always someone who's doing better, at least on appearance. if you want to be cynical you can tell yourself the extra 10/20/50grand makes no difference when you are a couple hundred billion behind elon musk :)
It is obvious you need medical help. Your life is not yours but one of living for others. Maybe a baby of the family, but one thing is certain, you need professional held b4 you do something you may regret.
I was listening to someone who said people naturally think negatively and 'want' things, and it's certainly easier now with the internet and social media to think of what you could be doing or how much $ you can make.
He also said you can train yourself to think positively by focusing on gratitude for things you 'do' have - shelter, safety, food (how many people are missing this in our world), time spent with family…or something more extravagant, like a 1c clearance steak you grab at Coles/Woolies, netflix for adfree entertainment, fancy gaming pc, etc :)
Of course there are things you want but if you focus on things you have it's harder to compare. You'll be thinking 'I'm glad I get time for a jog to clear my head and maintain my health'. Not 'X makes $ a year and lives close enough to run on the beach' - I want that!'
It's not jealousy it's envy
Gratefulness is the counter to envy. Before sleeping everyday, genuinely tell yourself three things that you are grateful for. It could be anything really, like family who cares about you, a boss that understands you, even the fact that we live in Australia — one of the best places to live in, especially so when you compare us to Ukrainians who had to flee their homes.
The other thing you can do is to ask yourself how you want to live your life. What priorities do you have? What kind of jobs do you like and why do you want to do them? What does money mean to you? How much do you really NEED? Use this as a target. If you need a lot, figure out a plan as to how to get to your target. Don't set targets based on what OTHER people earn. Set targets based on how much you need for a comfortable life.
Well said. I would add that writing down 3 things you are grateful for is useful to make sure you keep up the habit every day.
I've started using the 'presently' app on android, and think it's a great and simple app for exactly this purpose. Sends you a daily reminder to do it.
We will never be truly satisfied with what we have because of a strong desire to always want more. But you have to reassess rationally how much would you have to earn to have and feel contentment (to have all your needs provided for and then some)? What are your goals in life, and what would that extra bit of salary help you to achieve that you haven't already achieved? If the answer is more for the sake of more, or more so you can compare with others then you'll never be truly happy.
I'm 27 and all my old grad workmates have jumped 3-4 jobs right now to get a higher salary and better job position. Some are now managers and complain about not having enough time. While they get paid 30-40k more than me, I wouldn't say that the extra responsibilities of having to manage a whole team is worth that. I like working as an individual, having flexible working hours and taking time off when I need for other things that matter in my life noting that I will not always be young and have energy. I had a health scare to remind me of that. If you are a woman, you also have to consider child bearing years. Once you have a child you will be even more time and energy strapped. Give it a few more years and you'll have to take care of elderly parents. So this is the only time you'd be free from all responsibilities.
As for me, I'm a minimalist and very rarely buy new "things". I thrift and my cost of living is very low. For context I could survive on Centrelink alone pretty comfortably. Unless I buy a house, I have no need for any additional salary, and I've got strong opinions about home ownership that I won't go into.
So just find out what it is that you want in terms of goals and what type of role will put you there, and how much you would be happy with. One last important thing. You have 3 balls that you're constantly juggling, it's career, health and family. your career is a rubber ball and will bounce back. The latter two are glass balls. Which would you be willing to drop?
I'm actually proud of my friends achievements. Me and my closest friends are in the same industry of healthcare. Their success makes me proud not jealous.
We all have a decent job. But their promotions are based of their hard efforts and we try to support and boost each other to do better.
How many of them are bluffing? Maybe they're all just bragging because they also feel the need to compete?
I had a trainee about 20 years ago, he's making a lot more money than me now. Hotshot title and role, lots of promotions. I'm doing the same work for 15 years now. I don't care, his personal life is a mess, mine is not :-) I hope he enjoys his money.
A lot of people need money to buy stuff they don't need to impress friends they don't like.
you want a title? Just create a consulting business(or any business) and give yourself whatever title you want…
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Job titles are wanky, all that matters is what you earn and whether you're satisfied with it due to your own ability.
I usually DGAF about what others do or what they are earning. Just enjoying life doing my own things.
Someone used to say this, "Stop comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel."
This is my daily struggle for as long as I can remember. It used to be a lot more depressing and a lot harder to look at my fellow classmates, uni-mates, juniors in uni, even those I used to tutor in uni. Or, like you, I have fellow graduates that are now either Directors or Managers. If I look at their social media pages, their LinkedIn highlights or their Facebook status updates, I'm only depressing myself more. I need to remind myself daily that life is not a competition. That I need to be grateful with what I do have and what I have in life. Keeping an attitude of gratitude.
You may torture yourself trying to one up them on anything you can think of while they're probably oblivious to your struggles and not even looking at you. What's the point? :)
Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy.
i don't know if that is supposed to be a real quote or not, but you have it backwards, envy is a subtle more respectable quality that will drive people to try harder to get the things in life they don't have, whereas jealousy is a much more selfish quality that usually involves a level of hatred and will lead to trying to drag down others to their own level rather than rising their own level up to match others
Take it up with Aristotle.
Maybe envy was a stronger word than jealousy back in those days, I don't know, but usage of some words change and mould over time, but in modern society, jealousy is definitely the harsher word and concept, I might be envious that my next door neighbour has a way nicer car than me, but I don't hate him for it, i don't even care if my car isn't as nice, but I do notice his car is nicer, if I was jealous of him having that car, that would involve me sort of hating on him, thinking to myself, "why does he get that nice car and that nice house, he doesn't deserve it", wanting to drag him down below me, haters are jealous, people who strive to better themselves and obtain what others have, are envious, so i will update the philosophy for modern times:
"It is healthy and hearty for any being to come down with a case of envy, but to succumb to jealousy, will devour you from deep within"
You had a good run Aristotle, but I'll take it from here
@Qazxswec: I think Aristotle means that if you're jealous that your neighbour as an Audi then that jealousy motivates you to earn enough money to buy your own Audi. But if you're envious of the Audi then you might want to pay the mafia to steal it and crush it into a cube, depriving the neighbour of the Audi which ends the Audi disparity between you.
@AustriaBargain: yeah i know, but i disagree with his choice of words, i think it's the other way round, that being envious makes you want to earn more money to get the car, but being jealous makes you want to call the mafia to destroy his car, i just think his words are backwards, at least in this day and age, for me, it is jealousy that comes with the hate, making me want to call the mafia, but envy a healthy feeling of wanting to strive further in life
@Qazxswec: The Mac system dictionary gives the definitions of envy and jealousy as basically the same thing. It says envy (noun) is a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck. And jealousy (noun) is the state or feeling of being jealous. Jealous is the feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages. Rather than the meanings being reversed over time it looks more like there is no distinction between them anymore.
@AustriaBargain: (verb) envy means a desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable thing belonging to (someone else)
Merriam-Webster Dictionary envy vs jealousy: Depending on who you ask, jealousy and envy are either exact synonyms, totally different words, or near-synonyms with some degree of semantic overlap and some differences. It is difficult to make the case, based on the evidence of usage that we have, for either of the first two possibilities. Both jealousy and envy are often used to indicate that a person is covetous of something that someone else has, but jealousy carries the particular sense of āzealous vigilanceā and tends to be applied more exclusively to feelings of protectiveness regarding oneās own advantages or attachments. In the domain of romance, it is more commonly found than envy. If you were to say āyour salt-shaker collection fills me with jealousy,ā most people would take it to mean much the same thing as āyour salt-shaker collection fills me with envy.ā But if someone made a flirtatious comment to your partner, you would likely say that it caused you jealousy, not envy.
Jealousy can be overcome by acting towards the goals to get what they have that you don't. You just got to take the steps to get there. As some people suggested ask them how they did it.
I find that if a friend gets a promotion I am quite happy for them. However I take it in a way that I might need to look to push myself on how to make more instead. I.e. more certification to then move jobs, more experience in doing things to put on my resume and just in general being curious to learn new things (Accepting work that you don't know how to do)
After a few months generally I have enough to either ask for a promotion or move jobs. (Generally moving jobs is better).
Keep in mind everyone experiences imposer syndrome so don't ever feel you aren't enough and if you genuinely out of your wits, don't take it on yourself. Just take steps to look for how to overcome those i.e. take a course on youtube or read more about it. I found a large part of learning is being lost.
Personally for me, I am at a salary I am happy, however I want to push for more as my industry (IT) has been going nuts and peers around me all getting bumps. So recently I've subscribed myself to learn more cloud AWS and get certifications, not only so I get a tick on the HR box but also to test my knowledge for any holes.. Even if its so basic I'm sure I don't have a 100% solid foundation.
Just take it as a glass half full.
Also one other thing when comparing that helps bring things back to reality.
Know this. You might be 100% in health as they may not. You might have a loving relationship from a partner they may be going through a divorce or a fight with their SO. You might be able to find pure joy in things you do outside of work where as they may be unhappy with their life. There will always be something in your life that is better than others (Know this and own it).
Don't ever assume anything, you only feel this way because your focus is only on one public aspect of their life. People go through all sorts of horrible things. You should keep that in your mind to bring things back to reality and be grateful for things you have taken for granted in your life. And besides this jealousy is temporary, just make small steps to move to a goal i.e. i want to get certified, i want to fix up my resume, etc etc.
You have some work to do on yourself, my friend.
No matter what you achieve, you will always be in competition and many people abhor success.
The trick is to find out how to be happy with your own journey.
I completely empathise.
I have always had a little voice in my head that is jealous of other's success and status, and wish I could do that too. But yknow what? When i really think about it, I don't want that. I don't want to work a heap harder, I don't want to work longer, I have already have (decent) money, couple houses, bunch of shares, a family, and…I just do not have the drive to succeed like that.
Similarly sometimes at work i find myself thinking (classic imposter syndrome i suppose) that I'm really bad at certain parts of my job, and how other people are better than me at it, and how i wish I could be better at those things. But yknow what? I don't need to be great at everything. I am overall good at what I do, and when I don't know something I can simply speak to others, ask for help, leverage knowledge, etc. I don't need to be good at everything else
Other people have said it. Best to reflect on what it is you want in life/work, why you want it, what you're willing to put in/sacrifice to achieve it, and what you are actually thankful for. You'll probably find that there's a limit to all of those things.
Also, I totally never go on IG or Linkedin, because it just adds to those feelings of inadequacy
You're not alone!
tell them that the next meal is on them to celebrate!
Yeah, that'll stop op from feeling inadequate!
Everyone got promoted today except me. I'm not jealous. I'm just pissed.
While I had job interviews already lined up for my next move, I'll be applying for more now. No need to stick around any longer.
I could probably guarantee that you look like a bloke that has low testosterone, so I do find your comment amusing šš