Different Money Values

Lsophielouise869 on 11/01/2024 - 07:06

Hi OzBargain,

I’m seeking some advice in dealing with different money values.

My partner’s family has a different money story and opinion to me. Sadly, they really struggled financially and as a result, the entire family has a deeply ingrained scarcity mindset. They stress about spending a few extra dollars while dining out for dinner and generally refuse to buy anything over $100 (unless it’s a necessity).

I’m trying to develop a close relationship with them. However, I’m finding challenges connecting to them, while also sharing my life and how I spend my money. I grew up middle class and by am no stretch, considered wealthy. I just believe in spending my money on what I value. This is PT sessions, education and self-development.

They often tell me that I’m ‘wasting’ my money which makes me uncomfortable.

How can I retain a relationship with them without it affecting my own personal relationship to money? I care deeply about not offending them, but I don’t want to be judged for spending my money how I please (in what actually seems reasonable to me).

Please let me know if you have any other questions! It’s my first time posting.

Thank you.

Financial

Comments

  • apsilon on 11/01/2024 - 07:16
    +21

    How can I retain a relationship with them without it affecting my own personal relationship to money? I care deeply about not offending them, but I don’t want to be judged for spending my money how I please (in what actually seems reasonable to me).

    Simple, don't discuss anything money or spending related with them. Change the topic or just don't bring it up in the first place. Don't flaunt your purchases in front of them. If they're the ones constantly bringing it up then it's not going to be easy. It's not normal for it to be a regular discussion topic, I know it's never a topic that comes up with my friends and family unless unavoidable eg dealing with a deceased estate. You say you don't want to be judged but in a way are judging them for their approach to money and spending. Both views are valid.

  • holdenmg on 11/01/2024 - 07:34
    +7

    1.
    Judge not, that you be not judged.

    2.
    Shake It Off.

  • BoltThrower on 11/01/2024 - 07:35
    +9

    Leave such discussions to your partner, who can relate to their family better without risking your relationship with them.
    Acknowledge what they're saying without responding. Let them know you've heard and understood them with empathy, but without adding to the conversation. You're free to change it or leave it. Coach your partner to have your back with this, have them change the subject for you if it makes your life easier.

  • garetz on 11/01/2024 - 08:07
    +1

    Why does it matter what they think, its your money, do with it what you like.

    Next time they say anything about your spending habits, just tell them you spend your money how you want to, and i will spend MY money how i want to.

    Or just be blunt, and say its none of your business. Nothing good ever comes from kowtowing to in-laws.

  • Muzeeb on 11/01/2024 - 08:14
    +5

    Talk about the weather instead. FFS.

  • geekcohen on 11/01/2024 - 08:43

    I care deeply about not offending them, but I don’t want to be judged for spending my money how I please (in what actually seems reasonable to me).

    Don't talk to them about what you are spending and doing, just talk about something else. If they ask and go, "oh, I saw you got a new x" then that can be discussed.

    However, always boast about the saving you made when you found a wicked deal on OzBargain. Share those because then they can join the OzB Community!

  • Fredfloresjr on 11/01/2024 - 08:50
    +5

    1 rule - Never ever involve your partner's family in anything.

    • Mechz on 11/01/2024 - 08:59
      +4

      Unless it's getting them to pay for things.

      • Sinnerator on 11/01/2024 - 09:02

        double this

      • Fredfloresjr on 11/01/2024 - 09:05

        Glad I made sure I am financially / profession ready before I get married.

    • Sinnerator on 11/01/2024 - 09:02

      this

  • cashless on 11/01/2024 - 09:09

    Unless it's your partner, what you do with your money is no one else's bloody business

  • Dollar General on 11/01/2024 - 09:11
    -1

    Just make it clear to them you will blow all their hard earned savings when you inherit it. Hopefully they will spend it more before they leave this world

  • JIMB0 on 11/01/2024 - 09:11
    +2

    Waste some money on them.

  • Porker on 11/01/2024 - 09:21
    +4

    Quote as told to me '…When you marry somebody, you also marry their family…'

    You'd probably need to manage this the same way you would if it were your partner objecting.

    Another relevant quote perhaps '… less is more…'.

    The less information you give to them about spending, perhaps the better in the long run. However if it's your partner that's feeding the family info or complaining about your spending, then perhaps an open chat with the partner is required.

  • avoidfullprice on 11/01/2024 - 09:32
    +2

    Get them to clarify their concerns, rather than justifying yourself.

    As opposed to “I’m not spending that much on X”, throw the question back at them like “how much do you value X?” Use analogy to help them clarify their concerns “suppose i value X as much as you value Y, what would you do?”

    Swap your hang bags / tesla purchase to something they are relatable, and get them to challenge their own ideas.

    But if you feel the discussion is heating up, just exit with “there is a fair bit to take in from this, give me time to digest.” And that’s that.

    I don’t support you trying to change their view yourself. Dont tell them what you do is more right, or times have changed. There will always be the “i told you so moment “ from them if you have bad lucks. Avoid trying to be the right person

  • KaTst3R on 11/01/2024 - 09:34
    +3

    So what is your Partner's response when you talk to him/her/them about this?

    Ideally, your Partner should be siding you and "educating" the family that how you spend money is your own business.

  • singlemalt72 on 11/01/2024 - 09:39
    +3

    Light up a big stogie with a flaming hundred dollar bill and blow it in their face - Wearing a Tux/LBD raises it to another level!

    https://www.gettyimages.com.au/detail/video/low-angle-shot-o…

  • JimmyF on 11/01/2024 - 09:57
    +5

    Sadly, they really struggled financially

    and yet you still seem to fail to understand why they don't like spending extra money when going out of buying things that are not needed, but more of a want thing.

    When you're doing it hard, every dollar counts.

  • djsweet on 11/01/2024 - 10:55
    +4

    You might benefit by following their advice for a while. For most people the more income they have the more they spend. Suddenly $100 for dinner seems not-too-bad, and a couple of coffees out per day is fine. A new tv, a PT sesh or whatever, Who cares, its not that much. This kind of behaviour can contribute to you not getting ahead financially. Perhaps if you follow their advice/expectations you might save more and as a result be more financially secure. Not saying you aren't, but a bit of a boost to the savings helps most people.

  • payless69 on 11/01/2024 - 12:39
    -2

    Nothing to worry about:

    Your middle class group will be renamed:
    Glorious famous upper poverty class.

    Just worship nice words…

  • Benoffie on 11/01/2024 - 14:28
    +4

    As someone who grew up with parents from similar backgrounds (one from a well off family and one from a poor family), this will never resolve itself. Poverty is a lifelong condition that becomes ingrained into the very psychology of the individual.

    What you can do is create a new understanding of money with your partner. This means needing to listen and compromise. While both positions are valid, you will need to give a little in order to maintain the relationship.

    In regards to family, it's simple. Dont discuss it unlss seeking advice. And if you do, genuinely listen. You dont have to agree or follow it but having discussions regarding finance is highly beneficial.

  • hasher22 on 11/01/2024 - 14:53

    Don't discuss money or anything related to money.

    Even little things like "that's so cheap" "wow that's great value" "oh wow that's expensive for X Y Z". These little triggers will and may bring up money issues or conversations you do and don't want.

    At the end of the day, you can't control what they say and do with their money, nor they shouldn't dictate what you should do with your money.

    I came to terms with this with my mother. She sucks at managing money, saving and she is the perfect customer for pure capitalism. She has been scammed numerous times and while she seems like a smart person, she doesn't know anything about how to handle money even if you give her a step by step guide. That's the down fall of money illiteracy, and she's too old to learn and manage money, she's stubborn.

    Whenever I bring up something like, buy $80 shoes that will last you 5 years opposed to buying 3 x $40 shoes that last you 1 year. By all means, she's not poor nor rich, she's just stupid with money. And it frustrates me because I am the opposite, I am very good with my money and I live within my means.

    but in saying that, if they are conflicting over a few dollars over dinner vs the joy and experience with friends and family get-togethers then it seems their education of money has been taught in such a way that hoarding money is a good thing(?).

    The only thing you can do is just not bring up money and try find avenues when they might not squander about money. Take them to a value restaurant rather than a nice restaurant and see if they squander. If they squander in a value restaurant then stop worrying about it, it's their problem.

    If they grew up in a low income household, but they managed to get out of it, unfortunately, the low income will still be a passive behaviour which can be a good thing and a bad thing. For example, they may question if a $10 burger is worth it even though they have the money vs someone who grew up in a middle or above class and will never question a $10 burger.

  • 2esc on 12/01/2024 - 09:19
    +1

    They sound like level headed people to me.

    Why are they aware of how much you spend? Are you volunteering too much information? Maybe you talk too much about spending money on things?

    Consider this maybe your relationship with money needs to change? Maybe they are not the problem.

  • LFO on 12/01/2024 - 11:05

    They often tell me that I’m ‘wasting’ my money which makes me uncomfortable.

    As they are and (probably) will be family for the rest of your life then perhaps try to understand their position.

    Perhaps they are right.
    Or at least they are a little-bit-right.
    For a reason (only known to you) that feeling of being "uncomfortable".

  • echelon6 on 12/01/2024 - 21:32

    You should consider changing your money values.

    Why pay for PT when you can run around the block for free?

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