What Is Wrong with Me?

John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 03:31
Last edited 09/06/2022 - 03:55

TL;DR Over the last 10 years or so I feel like I've lost the ability to communicate effectively face to face with anyone (even my wife), whether it's for work or social reasons. OZb comments, emails, texts, even phone/video calls seem mostly fine. Anyone experience the same?

I'm in my late 30's, and I've found my verbal and social skills in person, has significantly deteriorated to the point it's probably affecting my career and social relationships.

I actively avoid f2f conversations where possible, because when I'm put in that situation, anything I do or say feels awkward and forced. So this means not attending friend's events, work events etc

The last work event I was volunteered to go to pre covid, we were meant to network and mingle, I just stood in the corner and watched everyone whilst drinking my beer. I suspect I would do something similar if I ever went to an OZb meet up.

Another example for work, was I was recently asked to help man a stall at an Expo interstate, a few days away from the ankle biters sounded great, but I declined, saying I'm a terrible networker/salesperson, would probably to more harm than good, and I was afraid of covid (covid thing conveniently true, wife is giving birth to our 3rd soon).

At school pick up/drop off I don't actively engage any other parents, I see all the other parents chatting away having a great time, but I don't bother. Obviously I will respond when someone talks to me, but it just unintentionally comes out weird and probably not what they expect me to say.

Things I notice happen:

  • I want to say so much in one breath that it all comes out jumbled, verbal diarrhoea almost, I usually mumble or completely lose my train of thought, or forget key "sophisticated" words.

  • I am not quick enough to have a decent debate or argument, just seems like my brain is asleep and I cannot put together a coherent sentence in a reasonable time frame…the moment is lost, almost like George Costanza and his delayed comebacks 😂

  • Sometimes I find I have to remind myself to actively listen, make eye contact with the other person otherwise I'll be looking all around, even when I'm actively speaking etc

Most of these things are not required in email or phone, so the issue is far less apparent. I can take my time and think of all the big fancy words I want, in person, I just seem to lose it.

Do I have a physical or psychological issue maybe? Early onset dementia? Or have I just lost practice?

My wife worries that if she dies before me, I'll turn into a full blown hermit and lose touch will all my friends (most of which are high school friends, I've not really made any new friends since)…she actively pushes me to meet up with them, but I almost always find an excuse not to go.

I guess I can go speak to a GP, but I seem mostly fine at the GP in the past 😂

Thanks for your time, I'm sure some of you will have a field day, or this post will just fade away with not much notice.

Regards,
DJK

Health & Beauty

Comments

    • Motek Benzona on 09/06/2022 - 08:49
      -3

      So because you disagree with others opinions you hope they suffer/are suffering mental harm and look forward to hearing about it? Nice one! I am the same as the OP but, unlike him, i know why.. It is is because society is riddled with people like YOU.

      • Caped Baldy on 09/06/2022 - 08:55
        +4

        Well, you misread my meaning… I was hoping that those individuals were seeking help.

        • Motek Benzona on 09/06/2022 - 10:16

          Why do they need help? because you disagree with them? Because you do not like their views? Maybe they just think differently to you.
          Krishnamurti: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society"

          Never has a truer word been spoken or written.

          • Caped Baldy on 09/06/2022 - 10:29
            +2

            @Motek Benzona: Since we're quoting people.

            It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

            Aristotle.

            The individuals I'm thinking of ask silly questions and ignore or are dismissive of considering other views.

            • Motek Benzona on 09/06/2022 - 10:36
              +6

              @Caped Baldy: Well i see exactly the opposite, i see these people being ridiculed and dismissed almost without question almost every single time they post simply because their views do not come from MSM or Twitter. My quote is far more accurate. We do live in a very sick society. Im glad i have almost no part in it anymore. The OP should embrace his situation and make the best of it because "fitting in" usually means (imo) being a subservient like everyone else :-)

              • Caped Baldy on 09/06/2022 - 10:42

                @Motek Benzona: So are you a hermit?

                There is quite a bit wrong with the world and society, I agree there. But withdrawing from it is not the solution.

                I've actually been supportive of OP too and they want help…

                • Motek Benzona on 09/06/2022 - 11:16
                  +3

                  @Caped Baldy: I have a wife and 2 kids at home and have just become a grandad. Hermit? no..

                  I am not a social butterfly desperate or wanting to go to peoples houses for dinner BBQ's or parties..

                  Do i socialise at school at school pick up times? yes, with people i choose to.. do i try to make lifelong friends out of strangers? No.

                  Im 56 and quite happy with the situation. I do not want to be part of the "society" in some ways and have to in others.

                  Support is subjective, my support is to say society is sick, and if you distance yourself from it then embrace it because there is nothing wrong with you or that. Your advice might be different.

                  Most of the comments i see against the usual suspects mentioned above on here are so pathetic you would think they come from 5 year old kids and i have had 56 years on this earth to come to that conclusion. Its the way society is now though.. Idiocracy in action

      • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 08:59
        +4

        Well, that escalated quickly…

      • whatwasherproblem on 09/06/2022 - 12:53
        -1

        That's kind of unfair I think. Emotional meltdowns are funny, and they're even funnier when they're in post/comment form on unrelated bargain-hunting websites.

        I know I saw the post title and also kind of hoped for the same thing (maybe not with SlavOzzy/Onion Boy/Freak/jv specifically though: I'm not picky and a meltdown is a meltdown).

        • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 14:18
          +4

          I don't think I'm at meltdown level yet, but thanks for your concern sick interest 🤣

  • payless69 on 09/06/2022 - 08:17
    -4

    Some Psychologists would suggest: Dtb.
    Dump tha B….
    Just the new world of everybody out on their own.

    Trying to look for a brothel? All shut shops.
    Even Android has 88 dating apps when I last checked 3 years ago.
    There is IOS as well all you need is a credit card!

    • JelIyfish on 10/06/2022 - 12:07
      +1

      day drinking is bad mkay

      • payless69 on 13/06/2022 - 12:21

        been off booze for over 10 years!

  • Xistn on 09/06/2022 - 08:27
    +6

    Congratulations, you are human.

    Less internet and more outdoors for you.

    • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 08:31
      +2

      But it's cold and windy and there are people there. 🙁 😂

      You make a good point. Dunno about the human part though.

      • Xistn on 09/06/2022 - 08:33
        +3

        OK T2 ;)

        But yes less internets and more outdoors.

      • Caped Baldy on 10/06/2022 - 15:03

        You should be wary of comparing yourself to others. They are often fighting their own hidden battles.

  • Speckled Jim on 09/06/2022 - 08:33
    +5

    Not a medical professional myself, but all you've described OP sounds like you're somewhere on the neurodiversity spectrum.

    I base this assumption on first-hand experiences from adults who were diagnosed in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Knowing the cause and recognising their stressors is liberating for most of these people. Different phases of life can mask underlying impulses (structure of education system, routine of work, responsibilities of family etc) because certain expectations must be met to get by.

    Then again, I may be mistaken and it could be societal alienation, becoming more common as we bunker into our black-mirrored chambers.

    Doesn't hurt to speak to your GP in the first instance. All the best!

  • Savas on 09/06/2022 - 08:45
    +2

    I just stood in the corner and watched everyone whilst drinking my beer. I suspect I would do something similar if I ever went to an OZb meet up.

    I think that’s pretty normal.. at my college some people socialise and some people just sit at a table by themselves for dinner every night.

    • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 08:58
      +2

      Yeah, at college and social situation that makes sense, but this was a work networking event my company sponsored, so it was up to us to "work the room"…and I just failed completely.

      In primary/high school I was the class clown, but after that, I just withdrew for some weird reason.

      • Savas on 09/06/2022 - 09:51
        +2

        That was like me.. I was school captain.. would dress up as a girl.. then I just decided I didn’t need to get all the attention.

        Maybe you just aren’t passionate about your job?

  • DarkOz on 09/06/2022 - 08:49
    +2

    I feel like I've lost the ability to communicate effectively face to face with anyone (even my wife)

    My wife worries that if she dies before me, I'll turn into a full blown hermit and lose touch will all my friends

    Consider yourself lucky. I am already a full blown hermit and lost touch with all my friends and my wife is complaining that I don't love her.

    • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 08:55

      I think I might be heading down that path too…that's what I'm trying to avoid.

      • DarkOz on 09/06/2022 - 09:35

        Do you have kids? Does your wife enjoy the outdoors? We found that having day trips here and there on public holiday weekends helps. I am a workaholic but after work I become a hermit at home. My younger kid loves day trips "it's family day" he says. My weenager son is starting to fight us on day trips now "what's the point?" he asks. He'd rather spend the weekend gaming with school friends. I let them take turns to decide where they want to go and what they want to do for the day.

        • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 10:06

          Yes, two kids under 7 and one due next month.

          She does like the outdoors, but not strenuous activity (especially when pregnant, even though it's good for her and the baby). Eg Taronga Zoo is a nice day out, but she would prefer no hills.

          We have always been more sedentary than active unfortunately.

    • LiteDough on 09/06/2022 - 10:58

      Consider yourselves lucky, either your partner met your before you became a hermit or your partner fell in love with a hermit.

  • CrowReally on 09/06/2022 - 09:12
    +8

    I'm not a fan of exclusive self-diagnosis but I'd recommend for a start reading an article on some of the indicators and aspects of

    • introverts
    • ADHD

    and see if anything seems to sync up with your experiences.

    The "science" is a bit woo (probably a lot woo) but also give a Myers-Briggs test a spin and see which of the 16 you are.

  • Bid Sniper on 09/06/2022 - 09:19
    +6

    Yeah similar, bored introvert.

    Get to a certain age where you value quality vs quantity lot more. These surface level interactions are just boring and waste of time, done them so many times before its groundhog day. Lot of people I have to deal with are at work are just waste of time, basically tell them to email me if they meet me in the hall because they have nothing important to say anyway. I have friends and certain people that I love to talk to but everyone else CBF. No motivation to interact with NPCs.

    Id say if it’s a concern talk to a psychologist about this and underlying motivations. There is some dissociation/mild depression (one symptom is forgetfulness), think also the grind of Suburbia is a contributor.

    • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 09:31
      +1

      No motivation to interact with NPCs.

      😂 Well put, I've not heard it that way before!

    • whatwasherproblem on 09/06/2022 - 13:04

      Lot of people I have to deal with are at work are just waste of time, basically tell them to email me if they meet me in the hall because they have nothing important to say anyway.

      That's an impressive level of misanthropy! I can only pray that I eventually reach that level (I'm still not enough of a jaded doomer just yet). I kneel, Sniper-sama.

    • Brianqpr on 10/06/2022 - 12:15
      +1

      Quality v quantity, I agree with this. As you age, you realise more and more what is important to you and also what isn't.

      I give work execs and their talks as an example. They sound so big, clever and innovative when you are young. Then when you've been around a while you realise that all they do when they come in are variations on the same old themes they've always banged on about. There's nothing new at all, just the same old stuff from people who like the sound of their own voices but add little value.

      With people in general, if you are the type that lives for meeting new people all the time then go for it. Many of us just don't need it and are happy with a small circle of family and/or friends that we genuinely trust.

  • cashless on 09/06/2022 - 09:19
    +1

    Misanthropy is not a personal failing, it is a skill that you need to fine tune.
    With age, your misanthropic abilities will improve.

  • nubzy on 09/06/2022 - 09:48
    +1

    A lot of people struggle with this nowadays. Life is incredibly stressful and our brains are being addled by a constant barrage of information, and we spend a majority of our waking hours slaving away in miserable jobs/staring at computer screens. None of this is healthy and it is no wonder why just about everyone is suffering from depression and anxiety.

    I would suggest trying Lions Mane mushroom supplements to see if they help. They can be very beneficial for some people.

  • Gervais fanboy on 09/06/2022 - 10:03
    +1

    Hey

    Have you had a comprehensive blood work done lately? Maybe a deficiency in your vitamin levels?

    Also, consider getting a testosterone test for yourself. As research indicates that testosterone influences your emotional side as it does your physical. With growing data about phthalates being ever present in our environment and the detrimental effect that it has on us, lower testosterone levels is quite a common thing.

    Best of luck

  • cafeman on 09/06/2022 - 10:03
    +18

    Very serious answer, if you've seen a notable change in your personality or cognitive ability you should immediately go see a GP with a focus on getting a referral to a specialist. Drastic changes in behavior aren't normal and may be a symptom of an underlying condition (a brain condition, early onset Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, etc). It may also be related to an underlying medical condition such as long COVID.

    If you've always felt awkward but it's recently intensified it may well just be that you've had undiagnosed neurodiversity and sustained isolation due to COVID has reduced your ability to mask.

    If, however, you've never really felt socially awkward and your recent experiences are atypical and regressive, you should definitely go and talk to a GP for a referral to a specialist (not necessarily a psychologist, although that may help as well).

    I just want to stress again, noticeable changes in cognitive ability are not normal and should be investigated. It's possibly related to mental health but it could also be something physical. This is especially true if they've caused degeneration to a point where it's actively interfering with your ability to function.

    • Franc-T on 09/06/2022 - 12:25
      +4

      This is a really good answer. Go to a GP and see if you need to get referred.

      This is coming from soneone who feels the same way socially but has always felt that way.

    • Embaloo on 11/06/2022 - 08:40
      +1

      Most helpful answer. +5

    • UFO on 11/06/2022 - 10:49
      +1

      Excellent answer.

      I'd also like to add that OP has mentioned alcohol consumption, but has specified exactly how much and how often.

      Being that he has a young family (with another on the way), the inability or desire to interact with people could very much be stress related. He's right in the thick of it 'life wise', and it might be getting to the point where coping with it all is an issue.

      OP, when was the last time you got out in the sun and fresh air? A lack of exercise and sun exposure (especially in winter) can really creep up on you… and your body craves both. I'm not saying go run a marathon or become a fitness junky, but getting out there in the sunshine and fresh air (even if its just 1/2 hour a day) makes a big difference in your physiology and psychologically as well.

      As already suggest, go speak to your GP openly and honestly to start crossing off things that it could be, and getting down to what the issue/s are.
      Good luck with it all.

  • Danstar on 09/06/2022 - 10:13
    +2

    Few shots of Vodka before you leave the house will fix that right up :D

  • Melencir on 09/06/2022 - 10:30
    +1

    Midlife crisis? 🤔

  • [Deactivated] on 09/06/2022 - 10:39
    -7

    shouldn't of got jabbed

    • Gervais fanboy on 09/06/2022 - 10:48

      lol I doubt there’s a correlation with that one.

    • Dave Bowman on 09/06/2022 - 12:04
      +3

      Shouldn't have used incorrect grammar.

  • dirtybigbjelke on 09/06/2022 - 11:58
    +3

    You probably have common or garden Anxiety but you should go and see a Professional about it. Solution will be some CBT or perhaps medication. Once you are made aware of what thoughts you have that are driving this you can then start to modify your behaviours and thoughts. Good Luck, you can overcome this with some work.

  • try2bhelpful on 09/06/2022 - 12:37
    +1

    Yeah, go talk to your GP and see if there is anything “diagnostically” wrong. If there isn’t then I would find something you are interested in and join a group then start expanding from there. Putting yourself out there and talking to people takes effort for everyone. It sounds trite but I use the scene when Indiana Jones steps out onto the bridge as my inspiration. You don’t get things if you don’t try.

    You really should get yourself sorted out. Your job and wife won’t wait forever.

    Best of luck.

  • isthisreallife22 on 09/06/2022 - 13:21

    Asthma and related health issues ultimately leading to weight gain are factors that lead to a similar situation to me

  • CrowReally on 09/06/2022 - 13:41
    +8

    Is it a tumor?

    • Jamiea on 09/06/2022 - 14:24
      +2

      Lol came here to post this

  • drfuzzy on 09/06/2022 - 14:11
    +2

    Many of us have headed in this direction post Covid.
    I am doing simple steps to improve my health - diet, exercise, fresh air.
    I am slowly desensitizing myself back into society.
    Start small - maybe just forcing yourself to interact at the post office, or with a select group of trusted friends.
    Once you gain confidence again you can try the harder things.

    • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 14:14

      Thanks, will try, although I might leave my local Post Office off that list, they are some of the most cranky workers you can meet on any given day…granted they have to deal with people like me, so perhaps it's a catch 22.

      • Mikeer on 11/06/2022 - 14:11

        granted they have to deal with people like me

        This thread has been an interesting read and I appreciate your honesty, but this comment stood out to me. Sometimes, self-deprecating humour is just joking around, sometimes it's something more - is this something you want to talk to someone about?

  • Taro Milk Tea on 09/06/2022 - 14:22
    +1

    Do you really trust OZB people's opinion to help you? lol…people in this place ain't not much different than you….they are all broken in some ways. got get professional advice….except if you only want attention from the keyboard warriors here, then yes, keep replying here.,

    • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 14:28
      +5

      Some of the comments have actually been quite insightful/helpful, you just have to work out which ones 😉

      • cookie2 on 11/06/2022 - 22:51
        +1

        I really have to commend your honesty. Ozb can be a harsh place in the forums sometimes and you've ended up encouraging a lot of open conversation.

      • corky on 12/06/2022 - 00:12
        +1

        Sounds like the daily grind of life has understandably left you physically and mentally exhausted, everything is too much effort. In the past 10 years or so you've probably gone from a carefree bachelor to married with the demands of wife, family, job, mortgage etc. Try to find some alone time to recharge your batteries, find activities you find pleasure in, eat healthy , try to get some outdoor activity. Good luck

  • Vote for Pedro on 09/06/2022 - 14:30
    +3

    As a society we have become more detached.
    And that was even pre covid. When my phone rings the first thing that pops in my head is ‘why isn’t this an sms’.

    Certain places (Sydney in particular) can also be quite isolating if you are less extroverted than others.

    It’s not just you and I have no answers.

  • Herbse on 09/06/2022 - 14:49
    +5

    Sounds like social anxiety to me. Pretty common really.

    Keep going to a psychologist if you think it's affecting your life negatively.
    Your mental health is just as important as your physical. You wouldn't let finance stop you from taking care of a debilitating injury. It should be the same for any mental health issues.

    You're definitely not alone though.

  • Yiddos on 09/06/2022 - 14:51
    +5

    RUOK

    Nothing to add to the forum, but I wish you well.

  • thepigs on 09/06/2022 - 14:52
    +4

    do some volunteer work. maybe you need to be talking while doing an activity.
    also take up some hobbies eg. blowing glass, become a private pilot. then you'll have stuff to talk about to other people.
    having hobbies & interests is more interesting to other people than talking about how you have nothing to talk about!

  • Buckshot on 09/06/2022 - 14:54
    +1

    Just a thought… but what about aphasia?

    That's what Bruce Willis was diagnosed with.

    "Generally speaking, there are three (types of aphasia): receptive aphasia, meaning difficulty understanding; expressive aphasia, meaning difficulty conveying your thoughts and ideas; and a global aphasia, meaning both. "

    https://news.cuanschutz.edu/news-stories/losing-language-bru….

  • hannibalbarca on 09/06/2022 - 15:16
    +1

    OP how did you go at school? Did you have behaviour issues? Poor grades? What did the school reports say (if you still have them)?
    Do you obsess over certain topics? Want to finish someone's sentence for them when they are speaking?

    • Nyclix on 09/06/2022 - 18:59
      +3

      Can already see your implying ADHD as I ticked all of the above and only got diagnosed 6 months ago at the age of 32. It's been life changing.

      • hannibalbarca on 09/06/2022 - 23:48

        what changed after diagnosis? medication?

        • Nyclix on 10/06/2022 - 17:47

          Medication has allowed my brain to think properly. It's been a very overwhelming six months though.

    • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 19:13

      School was fine, wasn't the best student but also wasn't the worst. I was pretty much the class clown in primary school, gradually waned in high school.

      I do obsess over and rue missed bargains? 🤷🏻‍♂️

      Not really, I would prefer not speaking at all if it was socially acceptable.

      • hannibalbarca on 09/06/2022 - 23:47
        +1

        read up on ADHD and see if you have match some symptoms. You may not though some stuff you said in the comments and OP have suggested it.

  • bongom on 09/06/2022 - 15:20
    +2

    Do you have any hobbies that would enable you to connect with like minded people?
    Personally I think this is all related to spending too much time staring at a screen instead of engaging with people IRL.

  • SimAus007 on 09/06/2022 - 15:28
    +2

    It sounds like you have anxiety.
    Do you feel you overthink things and so many thoughts at once, perhaps panic at the thought of talking to some people or seeing some people you know?
    Were you in lockdown (isolated from others) during Covid?
    There is plenty of help and a GP can provide you with a mental health plan that'll give you funded/partially funded psychologist sessions, I've taken plenty of them and there is nothing to be embarrassed about nowadays (most people I know have seen one).

  • MrKnowItAll on 09/06/2022 - 15:37
    +4

    This sounds a lot like ADHD or at least some mild neurodivergence. One of my children has been diagnosed with ADHD and is extremely similar.. he was previously overly-social and you'd struggle to keep him home.. but now prefers to stay home and communicate via text with friends / family, he zones out constantly and you have to remind him to listen to you and just overall doesn't enjoy talking with people verbally, regardless who it is.

    I find i'm much the same, but haven't yet been to the doc.. the fact my son has it is a fair indicator either myself / my wife / both of us have it too. How's your concentration on tasks? can you focus on one task at a time? or are you like me right now, with a half written (important) email on one screen and ozbargain on the other typing out comments?

    Can't hurt to go to your GP and explain how you are feeling, how it's affecting your life and getting the ball rolling - seeing the difference in my son since getting diagnosed has been incredible - truly life changing.

    • jrowls on 09/06/2022 - 17:06
      +2

      Dude, get a diagnosis for yourself and get some meds. Gamechanger. And if your son has it there's a bloody high chance you do.

    • Nyclix on 09/06/2022 - 19:01
      +4

      Got diagnosed 6 months ago at the age of 32. It's been life changing. Looking back at how I used to live my life scares me. So much impulsivity and risk taking. My entire life felt reactive. For the first time it feels proactive.

      • cookie2 on 09/06/2022 - 22:10

        That's awesome to hear. Peace.

  • happyhammer on 09/06/2022 - 15:47

    Isn't this how half of us guys tend to go anyways? I see my old man who's always kept himself to himself. I used to find that odd as a kid, but now I'm in my late 30s I very much relate. I tend to find most things a hassle and hang out with the wife and kids and WFH. Do you enjoy your own company? For me that's the most important thing to learn. Some people need others and some are content to carry on by themselves.

  • wayfastwhitie on 09/06/2022 - 16:10

    Have you considered this might be a symptom of depression?

  • VBO on 09/06/2022 - 16:12
    +1

    I've started building the dungeon for the very same reason.

  • secondstory on 09/06/2022 - 16:43
    +2

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you with being this way if it's not a change caused by a medical issue - in fact you actually sound like you are still much, much more sociable than me.

    Humans aren't cookie cutter builds and scale from extremely introverted to overly extroverted, this is completely normal. It is also normal to change personality/preferences with time just based on your life experiences. I have been told it is not uncommon for personality changes after becoming a parent (perhaps you were faced with a different reality and your priorities changed or you had less energy to care about certain social things that you used to pay more attention to).

    The only real problem you have is if you still want to appear "society-normal" while communicating with others for reasons of career and friendships. I find its really good to watch social news programs often (or just leave them running in the background if you don't care about the content like me) so I don't lose touch with how people interact and I occasionally read things aloud when I'm by myself. It keeps you practiced with speaking and you don't stammer/stumble so you have one less thing to worry about when talking to people. Part of your anxiety will possibly be relieved since screwing up while makes you panic and is a quick downwards spiral if you are unable to reset.

    I want to say so much in one breath that it all comes out jumbled, verbal diarrhoea almost, I usually mumble or completely lose my train of thought, or forget key "sophisticated" words.

    This just sounds like regular panic to me. Resetting if you start to panic or stumble with your speech is absolutely normal. I just say "blah, hang on give me a sec.." then continue after you sort yourself out.

    I am not quick enough to have a decent debate or argument, just seems like my brain is asleep and I cannot put together a coherent sentence in a reasonable time frame…the moment is lost, almost like George Costanza and his delayed comebacks 😂

    Not everyone is quick witted for reasonably timed retorts. The "I should have said this" retrospective is completely normal thing. People can slow down with age and it sounds like you are busy panicking about other things and are also out of practice with socializing so this is probably just a side effect of those since we aren't all multi-talented when dealing with crisis.

    Sometimes I find I have to remind myself to actively listen, make eye contact with the other person otherwise I'll be looking all around, even when I'm actively speaking etc

    It's great that you can recognise and remind yourself. Zoning out in any conversation is completely normal since it is normal for people to have personal worries that keep their mind distracted, maintaining focus is what keeps us professional. Looking around while speaking is normal too, its like how some of people are fiddlers and can focus better or think more clearly if they are fiddling with their hands or looking around.

    Tl;dr - You sound normal to me.

  • Zondor on 09/06/2022 - 16:47

    When I used to work at a call center, I started talking like a robot and anything outside of my normal phrases would make me stutter like crazy.
    Honestly, grabbing the bull by the horns is how I broke it. I started D&D which requires alot of social interaction, but any other group talking activity can be substituted.

  • jrowls on 09/06/2022 - 17:05
    +5

    Not everything you've said lines up exactly, but you sound a fair bit like me and I've just received an ADHD diagnosis. I'm also one of those weird introverts who very much enjoys socialising (on my terms) and talking a lot but need a long time to recover and I keep a small circle of friends because more is hard to maintain - I literally just forget about them.

    Things I notice happen:
    - I want to say so much in one breath that it all comes out jumbled, verbal diarrhoea almost, I usually mumble or completely lose my train of thought, or forget key "sophisticated" words.
    - I am not quick enough to have a decent debate or argument, just seems like my brain is asleep and I cannot put together a coherent sentence in a reasonable time frame…the moment is lost, almost like George Costanza and his delayed comebacks 😂
    - Sometimes I find I have to remind myself to actively listen, make eye contact with the other person otherwise I'll be looking all around, even when I'm actively speaking etc

    Yeah, all of the above ring true for me, specifically as ADHD symptoms. People see 'eye contact difficulty' and immediately jump to ~the spectrum~ but this doesn't feel like that. Also the common media depiction of ADHD as the little 7yr old fella climbing over everything and generally bouncing off the walls is only one presentation. For me it's more like having an insanely fast processing chip and zero RAM - hyperaware of everything and picking up on every little detail, but unable to hold onto a thought. Other times it's like there's 50 ideas running around and I can't pick one up at all. Then other days still I will be sitting doing something on the phone or computer, or reading a book or playing a game, and 5 hours has gone by and I had no idea. Do you lose things all the time? I think I've lost everything I ever owned. Anyway, that's enough rambling - I definitely feel you on the incoherence front.

    As someone else said, I would do some reading or online quizzes about ADHD and about being an introvert and see if those ring true. If so, nothing too major to worry about. If you feel like these feelings are affecting you and reading about ADHD makes you think that you might have that, definitely organise with a psychiatrist (through your doc) and try some meds. Works incredibly with few side effects.

    • Basti on 09/06/2022 - 17:57
      +5

      Also diagnosed with ADHD at 33yo here, I agree that you (OP) should atleast look into getting assessed. As jrowls says, your symptoms match my experiences. Many of us who find out as adults have ingrained coping/masking mechanisms we use in order to function and these may be falling apart for you as a result of COVID and social isolation.

      Keep in mind too that ADHD is often associated with depression and anxiety as co-morbidities. I wish you the best in figuring it out and getting help, whatever the cause

      • jrowls on 09/06/2022 - 19:19
        +1

        100% to all of the above.

        The coping/masking mechanisms work til they don't then it's a disaster and can lead you feeling all sorts of things (angry, depressed, sad, confused etc).

    • Nyclix on 09/06/2022 - 19:05
      +1

      Diagnosed at 32. What meds are you taking ? I started on dexies but switched to Vyvanse. Much smoother.

      • jrowls on 09/06/2022 - 19:25

        Yeehaw! Diagnosed at 27 myself. Wish I had read the signs and done it earlier - might have saved a few bucks on HECS lmao.

        Also started on dexies (2x5mg twice a day). Got my first followup tomorrow actually. I definitely have some issues with these but I'm not sure how to frame anything - I don't really know what could be 'better' or if I'm as good as I'm gonna get already, ya know? It's hard to put your finger on how you feel because it's quite subtle at times.

        Plus if I'm on the standard dose (doc said 2x2x5mg was standard starting dose) but I'm bigger than average, I'd assume you go up from standard but what do I know…

        How did you find the diff between the two? Also is it more exxy?

        I definitely find with the dexies that I'll have some great times where I get stuff done but equally there are days where I will just direct my focus on the absolute wrong things and feel unable to pull away. Plus I can feel pretty drained when they wear off. When I first started my appetite was GONE but it seems back now which is good (for my body, maybe not my waistline).

        • Nyclix on 11/06/2022 - 16:34

          Just wrote a massive reply and hit backspace. FML. DM me and I'll reply sometime

          • jrowls on 11/06/2022 - 20:15

            @Nyclix: Hahaha shit! I hate it when I do that.

  • Drakesy on 09/06/2022 - 17:21
    +1

    Going to be serious here for a second but social anxiety and brain fog can be a side effect of porn watching.

    Not saying it's your issue, but it is a documented side effect.

    Also lack of sleep can have the same effect. I find reading also helps with being able to converse effectively.

  • MrRotundo on 09/06/2022 - 17:38
    +1

    Get checked for sleep apnea. Starving the brain of oxygen during sleep can cause all sorts of issues.

  • 10muscat on 09/06/2022 - 18:51
    +2

    All ears to this.. WIll follow the post …….. can put-it-to-use very soon.

  • Miss B on 09/06/2022 - 18:56
    +6

    If you want to change things you probably need to put yourself into situations that make you uncomfortable and successfully navigate them.

    For me, this requires forward planning. You may not have had to in the past, but I have always had these issues, so I've just learnt to over prepare. I remember when I was young (though far too old for the inappropriateness of my response, we're talking upper primary school here), people would ask me how I was, I'd go red and freeze up until it felt like an acceptable time to just run off (you probably can't get away with that at all, I was still just young enough that I could). When I learnt that you can just say good, it was such an awesome moment, because I could say good and run off without the going red (actually the going red never fully went away and still happens even now sometimes) and freezing. Eventually I learnt that it was more appropriate to say good and ask how they were. Then people started asking more questions and I was back to square one. But I started coming up with answers to common questions and just over time I've developed more and more until now I can have a conversation. I'm still incapable of being the main driver of a conversation, but I can hold and assist with keeping a conversation going and I don't even have to plan a specific response in advance.

    I doubt anyone can diagnose you with certainty just from a post on Ozbargain, but whatever it is, I would probably recommend preparation and practise. Maybe they can give you drugs or something to help, I don't know, but I've never gotten anything useful from the professionals I've seen. I just put myself out there, force myself to do things that make me uncomfortable and prepare so it goes as well as it can. The more this goes positively (or not badly) the more comfortable I get in different situations and the less I have to prepare. I've learnt to ask for help with the preparation for work stuff, thankfully it's a very supportive environment.

    Work is actually becoming a place where I'm quite comfortable and happy to express myself. There was something I had to do yesterday that made me extremely self conscious because I had to stand out from the crowd, but I turned it around and managed to pull it off confidently. Now I have that for next time as an example of what I can do. I also just awkwardly walk up to where people are having a conversation now (like at work gatherings and things), especially if I know one of the people. If I can think of anything I'll add to the conversation, otherwise I just react to what others say. It's not always easy and it feels so weird, but I was speaking to one of the higher up managers casually one day and mentioned my anxiety and she said I don't come across as anxious at all and I've been anxious in most situations when she was around, so I've obviously come a long way if it isn't bleedingly obvious all the time.

    That's the other thing, a lot of the things you're thinking about and overanalysing, other people probably don't even notice. Some of the more obvious stuff they will, but if you say something nonsensical or whatever, just own it and correct it confidently. "Err, what? <what you actually meant to say>" or something. But yeah, also just slow it down when you speak in the first place, that huge awkward long silence if you don't immediately respond is probably just a normal pause after someone else finishes speaking. Or act like you're reflecting on the question, rather than how to answer and sound like a normal human.

    • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 19:18

      Thanks for the detailed response and sharing your story!

    • Hangryuman on 10/06/2022 - 11:54

      good detailed response - a lot of great responses here !

      'I also just awkwardly walk up to where people are having a conversation now (like at work gatherings and things), especially if I know one of the people. If I can think of anything I'll add to the conversation, otherwise I just react to what others say'

      good - as an introvert I read a hint for joining group conversations - just hang around the periphery trying to hear the topic - then if/when you have something significant you can contribute, toss it in ! - the group will turn to look at you, and if friendly, will tend to open so you can walk in, join the circle and you are now included as part of the group !

      most people like to talk about themselves - so just standing, listening, nodding, saying hardly anything they can think you are a great conversationalist because you LISTENED to them - most people love that

      so I can listen all day long to people who want to talk about themselves - some will be hard to escape, but for sure most people will feel better simply because you stopped to listen to them.

      if/when they are too much - wrong/extreme/crazy/excessive/boring/endless - you can just 'I'd love to stay but sorry I have to go!' - smile and walk away, and they'll be 'what a great conversationalist they are !

    • isthisreallife22 on 10/06/2022 - 13:47

      I'm not sure how much planning has to do with it, although changing environment is a big part.

      At school I dont think I spoke to a single girl, I was terrified. When I tried it backfired and I certainly wasnt treated kindly.

      I moved out of home at 17 to uni and ended up living with 7 girls, who took me under their wing and I pretty much ONLY made friends with girls. Was a great few years and I ended up meeting my now wife.

      Now ironically I find it almost impossible to make friends with males (though I have ok work relationships with anyone)

    • cookie2 on 10/06/2022 - 14:44

      100% agree re putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and pushing the boundaries. I refer to it as the circle of comfort and that it constantly gets smaller or bigger and we should consciously work towards making it bigger, especially where we feel it is getting smaller. That's awesome to read that you successfully pulled off what you wanted to at work and did it with confidence.

  • Wasabi Ninja on 09/06/2022 - 19:01
    +1

    Nothing to add, but wishing you well.

  • dcash on 09/06/2022 - 19:06
    +3

    I don't talk to many people face to face, but that's likely because most people are idiots and not worth talking to. In all seriousness, I think you're just an introvert. So long as you're essentially happy with your life, I wouldn't worry about it at all.

  • Typical16-bitEnjoyer on 09/06/2022 - 19:07
    +1

    Could be one or combination of many things. Please see a professional.

    Only because I haven't seen it mentioned, fairly certain you've mentioned you were previously a cop. PTSD?

  • anonymous01 on 09/06/2022 - 19:38

    Do you not engage with others because you don't want to engage, or do you not engage because somewhere deep down you feel like everyone is being fake and acting and pretending to be something they are not, putting on a mask to blend into the society, and deep down you feel this is not worth your energy and time to engage with fakeness?

    • John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 19:44
      +1

      Not quite, but I suppose it depends on the situation/person? Eg at work I just cbf with small talk/jibber jabber. It could almost be considered laziness perhaps?

      It's actually that I feel I am the one being fake if I do engage.

      With my high school friends I feel like we have lost things in common, so don't have as much to talk about these days (apart from kids).

      • Hangryuman on 10/06/2022 - 11:34
        +1

        'I feel I am the one being fake if I do engage'

        nobody cares - our worst strongest judges tend to be ourselves - nobody else actually probably notices or cares - so you can stop worrying about that right there

        focus on yourself is a downward spiral to depression

        focus on helping others is an upward spiral to joy

        a depressed suicidal drought-destroyed farmer was told by his doctor 'find someone worse off'

        he looked around and did - started helping others, and a great weight was lifted, he suddenly felt better that he was able to make others' lives better

  • xavster on 09/06/2022 - 20:24
    +1

    Your brain is elastic. You just haven't prioritised working on these things either by choice, lack of motivation, or lack of opportunity (re lockdowns).

    Take the time to work on your social skills and re-engage face to face and it will come back fairly quickly.

    It's like a muscle, got to hit the mental gym.

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