What Is Wrong with Me?

John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 03:31
Last edited 09/06/2022 - 03:55

TL;DR Over the last 10 years or so I feel like I've lost the ability to communicate effectively face to face with anyone (even my wife), whether it's for work or social reasons. OZb comments, emails, texts, even phone/video calls seem mostly fine. Anyone experience the same?

I'm in my late 30's, and I've found my verbal and social skills in person, has significantly deteriorated to the point it's probably affecting my career and social relationships.

I actively avoid f2f conversations where possible, because when I'm put in that situation, anything I do or say feels awkward and forced. So this means not attending friend's events, work events etc

The last work event I was volunteered to go to pre covid, we were meant to network and mingle, I just stood in the corner and watched everyone whilst drinking my beer. I suspect I would do something similar if I ever went to an OZb meet up.

Another example for work, was I was recently asked to help man a stall at an Expo interstate, a few days away from the ankle biters sounded great, but I declined, saying I'm a terrible networker/salesperson, would probably to more harm than good, and I was afraid of covid (covid thing conveniently true, wife is giving birth to our 3rd soon).

At school pick up/drop off I don't actively engage any other parents, I see all the other parents chatting away having a great time, but I don't bother. Obviously I will respond when someone talks to me, but it just unintentionally comes out weird and probably not what they expect me to say.

Things I notice happen:

  • I want to say so much in one breath that it all comes out jumbled, verbal diarrhoea almost, I usually mumble or completely lose my train of thought, or forget key "sophisticated" words.

  • I am not quick enough to have a decent debate or argument, just seems like my brain is asleep and I cannot put together a coherent sentence in a reasonable time frame…the moment is lost, almost like George Costanza and his delayed comebacks šŸ˜‚

  • Sometimes I find I have to remind myself to actively listen, make eye contact with the other person otherwise I'll be looking all around, even when I'm actively speaking etc

Most of these things are not required in email or phone, so the issue is far less apparent. I can take my time and think of all the big fancy words I want, in person, I just seem to lose it.

Do I have a physical or psychological issue maybe? Early onset dementia? Or have I just lost practice?

My wife worries that if she dies before me, I'll turn into a full blown hermit and lose touch will all my friends (most of which are high school friends, I've not really made any new friends since)…she actively pushes me to meet up with them, but I almost always find an excuse not to go.

I guess I can go speak to a GP, but I seem mostly fine at the GP in the past šŸ˜‚

Thanks for your time, I'm sure some of you will have a field day, or this post will just fade away with not much notice.

Regards,
DJK

Health & Beauty

Comments

  • witsa on 09/06/2022 - 20:39

    What about if you are drunk? Are you worst, better or the same?

  • niknah on 09/06/2022 - 20:50
    +1

    I've been this way all my life, have no problems with it now. I look at other people and I'm glad that I'm not like them, always on their mobile chatting or talking to someone. They complain about not having enough time and money cause they've wasted it all chatting and socialising.

    I've heard from other people who used to be introverted that drinking lots of alcohol helped them loosen up.

    Most people that are talking are usually the social type so you may think that social people are the majority.

  • serpserpserp on 09/06/2022 - 21:13
    +1

    OP you didn't say WHEN you started being this way? I assume not always or you wouldn't be posting. So when was the time in your life that you remember last being relatively happy to be social? And what was the thing that made you change? (I'm guessing it is the bone crushing tiredness that comes with kids).

  • Daabido on 09/06/2022 - 22:06
    +2

    When people ask me how I am or how was my weekend I have to actively remember the polite social convention is to ask them too.

    • endolphin on 10/06/2022 - 23:30

      Me too. I'd say my success rate at remembering is less than 50%

  • [Deactivated] on 09/06/2022 - 22:09
    +1

    Hi mate, I pretty much went through a similar thing, Im in my early 40s now and I think there are a few factors, and sometimes theres numerous little things affecting you all at once.

    Ask yourself a few questions:

    How is your self esteem? All humans have narcissistic traits and sometimes we need to put up with people at work, home. Sometimes theres sibling rivalries that get way too serious.

    How is your image? Are you overweight, do you need a makeover, new clothes?

    How much alcohol are you drinking? Take it from me, everything improves when you quit alcohol.

    Are you burnt out at work? Do you feel like the people you spend time with the most respect what comes out of your mouth?
    As someone else said, your mind is elastic and this is your world. Dont let it be beaten into submission.

    Your particular case really sounds like garden variety anxiety, which a lot of people have, but dont worry, as you get older you'll realise how silly everyone is and you wont want to waste your energy impressing them with big words. At the end of the day no one really cares about you all that much, theyre more worried about how they look, and their own problems. In time you'll learn how to size people up or just plain not give a shit about them.

    Is it really necessary to mingle? Or is it just that your wife is pressuring you, and you really couldnt be bothered with meaningless chit chat with someone you'll never see again.

    Dont assume that highly sociable people are smart or nice or valuable to you in any way. Choose your friends wisely.

    Ironically, its when you become a full blown misanthrop that you really start to value people, and accept people and interaction.

  • wimpykid on 09/06/2022 - 22:25

    You just need to be appreciated by your mates and family in all you do and you will be fine. You are seeking recognition I believe and hence when you donā€™t get that you feel low and lost.
    OR you are going through mid life crisis. Achievers everything you wanted to and now excitement is over.
    Worth pondering over a cuppa by yourself.

  • Unacceptable on 09/06/2022 - 22:31
    +2

    Donā€™t worry op. I think thatā€™s normal especially when you aging with kids.

  • cookie2 on 09/06/2022 - 22:32

    Can I ask, do you feel like there was a turning point? Something significant that happened around 10 years or more ago, that may have contributed to this? From personal experience, we can create deeply ingrained discomforts from significant events that we may not even recognise straight away as significant. I haven't checked a voicemail in almost 15 years.

  • Wildesy on 09/06/2022 - 22:49
    +1

    How much do you drink? Degenerative brain disease from booze most likely.

  • fredk1000 on 09/06/2022 - 22:55

    Sounds like me a bit minus the drinking. That's me standing in the other corner.
    I am getting old but I blame my (prescribed) medication that I have been taking for a few decades for my brain fogging up and slowing my thoughts for the same amount of time.

  • Millikano on 09/06/2022 - 23:00
    +3

    Hey John Kimble,

    It's cool that you're asking about it, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you're worried about whether you're normal and people go through similar things. I'd suggest that there are a lot of people in this community that might be feeling something very similar, and if you are worried about it affecting your relationships and family, then it's a great idea to seek professional help with experts who can guide you through it over the long term. Of all the things to save money on, your health isn't a good area to skimp on. In fact, the more you invest in your mental and physical wellbeing, the more likely you are to be more successful in every area of your life, personally and professionally, so it might be worth considering those visits to be an investment in personal development.

    They say that anxiety is fear of the future, depression is being stuck in the past, and peace is living in the present. As someone who's been on both ends of the spectrum, short periods of mindfulness/presentness can be helpful.

    I think it might've been in "How to Win Friends and Influence People" that Carnegie talked about taking the focus off yourself, and thinking about how the other person might be feeling. What would they be stressed about? How can you help them? Everybody has things going on in their life, and you're not alone. By slowing down and letting others speak first (you don't have to), that might help. By taking the focus off of your own stress, it can be massively beneficial both to the person you're listening to, and you'll likely make a good friend in the process (it sounds like you're worried about the loss of historical friends and you're feeling unable to make new ones).

    A few general things to mention:
    - You have already achieved great things, are a valued person, and nothing anybody else thinks of you defines who you are.
    - You have a family and children, and people who love you, and you've come this far. People obviously care about you and like you.
    - Most of the time people don't really care what you do or say, because they spend most of their time thinking about themselves. That's really just human nature.

    So, if you'd like to make a change you have heaps of options out there, and without a doubt with time and energy you could improve your skills and mindset, improve your existing relationships and also make new ones if you choose.

    Best of luck and look forward to hearing how you progress.

    • Hangryuman on 10/06/2022 - 11:28
      +1

      '"How to Win Friends and Influence People" that Carnegie talked about taking the focus off yourself, and thinking about how the other person might be feeling. What would they be stressed about? How can you help them? Everybody has things going on in their life, and you're not alone. By slowing down and letting others speak first (you don't have to), that might help'

      yes I read that - and use that - talk in terms of the other person's interests - and they will think you are a highly intelligent conversationalist - it's true believe me, works every time!

      yesterday I saw a neighbour passing in the street - standard 'how are you?' - he said 'not too good actually - I've got CANCER !' - OMG I went silent - a shared moment of 'this is the biggest life-changing moment for this relationship and your future life' - no more words were necessary, but we stood together realising the depth of the moment.

      as an introvert I often stay silent like this - just being with someone can be all the support they need.

  • hornbill on 09/06/2022 - 23:07
    +3

    Do you think it coincides with having kids? After 3 years of two babies I feel like Iā€™m not myself and donā€™t think straight, just miss the obvious until people point it out to me. I was considering getting tested for dementia but an acquaintance suggested itā€™s just from having kids, basically from lack of sleep and most of your focus and time being on them. Just another one of those parenting things no ones tells you about until youā€™re in too deep!
    Anyway, good luck and hope you can get yourself sorted.

    • fenric on 12/06/2022 - 02:10
      +1

      If was scrolling through to say exactly the same thing. The constant mental drain of having to make sure the buggers don't kill themselves or burn the house down and the years of ruined sleep really adds up.
      Several years in, sentences have become a struggle and sleep is shot to hell. Just hoping it wears off after they get a bit more self sufficient.
      Not sure if that is good news or bad….the returns policy for kids is pretty terrible i hear. Good luck.

    • John Kimble on 12/06/2022 - 07:48

      I think you could be right, or it could be a significant factor at least?

      If that's the case I would have thought everyone would be in the same boat (and through this thread I guess I've discovered they probably are to an extent), but it seems my other friends with kids and all the parents at school seem to have it so much more together than me…but perhaps everyone is kind of keeping up experiences a bit…

    • GourmetFoodie on 12/06/2022 - 08:40
      +1

      Great point! Sleep deprivation in the early years is bloody hard and truly affects your communication skills.

  • cerealJay on 10/06/2022 - 01:21
    +2

    You can write okay, so keep writing.

    It's a shame psychedelic therapy isn't more accepted, but there is some recent talk in that field. Psychedelics (in combo with associated therapies and guidance) can clean out the cobwebs, "realign the chakras", boost mojo, sharpen focus, provide new perspective, and I suspect help bring into line the mumbling train of thought issues. Or, you might just get high and have an interesting time.

  • bargainess on 10/06/2022 - 01:30
    +2

    Iā€™ve been feeling this way myself for years too! Especially your point 1. Most of the time I feel like I canā€™t be bothered to participate in conversations or otherwise when I actually want to say something (mainly to friends) I get too excited to get the words out and then it comes out as word vomit or I stutter and jumble it up and I have to repeat what I was mentally going to say. Sometimes I even have to stop myself mid sentence and reset (saying ā€œearghā€ and stretching my lazy tongue to try and get my mouth talking correctly). But then I still bungle it up. Normally only happens when Iā€™m talking to people in person.

    I wonder if itā€™s social anxiety because I constantly feel like one side of my head is judging myself and reviewing the conversation while Iā€™m in the middle of the conversation. I much prefer email over phone conversations so I can structure my thoughts properly and proofread to ensure I best convey my thoughts. Just like I did to this post haha. Itā€™s time consuming though. I donā€™t know how to fix our issues but youā€™re not alone and Iā€™m glad Iā€™m not the only one! Iā€™m actually surprised someone else is experiencing the same thing that Iā€™ve been experiencing for years but never told anyone before. Thanks for posting and pm me if you want to chat - feel like Iā€™ve found a kindred spirit haha and those are so rare!

    • bargainess on 10/06/2022 - 01:35
      +1

      Also forgot to say my memory is terrible (ha) and Iā€™m only in my mid thirties. Itā€™s actually always been bad in that Iā€™ve never had a long term memory all my life and my short term memory feels like itā€™s fading too. Not sure if this plays a part as well in my poor face to face conversations in that sometimes I canā€™t think of something to say? Who knows. I feel like Iā€™m just drifting through life and planning ahead because I canā€™t remember the past. Also I now have a baby and with lack of sleep can barely remember anything! Anyway thanks again for starting the thread :)

      • cookie2 on 10/06/2022 - 07:37
        +1

        Social anxiety symptoms anyway. It shows in diff ways but you mentioned the judging and reviewing convos in your head (social anxiety), memory difficulties (over stimulated mind from anxiety), verbal vomit when you get excited (s. Anxiety). Have a chat with a few gps. I say a few because not all will recognise as an actual issue or have the same experience as a medical professional. And worth getting a referral to a psych to discuss supportive techniques to help you or EAP if you have that through your workplace.

      • John Kimble on 10/06/2022 - 12:41

        You're welcome, it seems we could be separated at birth somehow šŸ˜‚

      • 00broke00 on 10/06/2022 - 17:05
        +2

        I've been feeling l exactly like the OP and yourself. I used to be confident in meeting new people and enjoy socialising but over the last 10 or 15 years I've been feeling socially awkward. My memory is also non existent and I barely remember anything from my life. I can watch a movie and only realise I've seen it before when I get to a certain part. And that's the only part of the movie I remember. My partner sometimes says it scares him how I don't seem to remember anything. I was diagnosed with major depression about 10 years ago (even though I'm pretty sure I've had it since childhood), which I believe to be a major reason for my social awkwardness. I was so focussed inwards that I didn't have the energy or the motivation to socialise with others so that when I did have to, I was just a bumbling mess. There was one the I was making an appt with a new GP and I was saying to the receptionist how I'd heard so many good things about the GP that I wanted to marry him (I know, right?? Like wtf??) And she said that she was his wife šŸ˜±
        Anyways, I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, but know that you're not alone. Good luck and it's good to know that I'm not alone either :)

        • cookie2 on 11/06/2022 - 06:40
          +2

          Haha love those curl up into a ball and hide, wtf did I just say, moments. You're more normal than you may realise. Also marriage isnt always forever so who knows /s
          Also consider that the memory loss, social awkwardness etc may be due to anxiety, rather than depression.

  • Kranbone on 10/06/2022 - 05:16
    +1

    It could be psychological or a sign of a mental related illness. Have you seen a GP?

    I'm doing some exercises which help with memory, some of them relate to things like puzzles and crosswords. Stay positive and hope you can find a solution.

  • [Deactivated] on 10/06/2022 - 08:28

    Get autism test

  • FallaM on 10/06/2022 - 08:41
    +2

    This is shocking to you?? This is my whole life lmao

  • Donaldhump on 10/06/2022 - 09:19
    +1

    Nothing wrong with you, do what makes you feel comfortable. Some people get flustered speaking to people.

    I found as I turned 40 i'd rather be a hermit, and enjoy my own house pottering around. I barely see any friends and don't mind it that way, but its mainly because we all live 45mins+ apart, and gone are the days where you think its cool to get sh*tfaced and wake up with hangovers. Maybe once you get to 60 ish you start to become social again.

    I think males are less social as they age anyway, women become more social, each to their own.

    I wouldnt judge yourself so much, if being a hermit is what your comfortable with then thats ok

  • RebelOrlan on 10/06/2022 - 09:27

    Sounds like NPC syndrome or something like that if that even exists… (apologising to people who are politically correct but this is serious.)

    Do you have your own personal train of thought?

    It's definitely not autism or adhd. I've got some friends that have the symptoms you described, but I think it could be some illness rather than a meme. It's especially more pronounced in extroverts.The DSM does not have a diagnosis so far that would fit your symptoms.

    • RebelOrlan on 10/06/2022 - 09:58

      To extend on the above:

      Are you able to plan the conversation out before you speak? Are you able to write it down?

      If so then it is likely anxiety. If not then maybe that is why it is coming out like a jumbled mess because you don't have that inner monologue (NPC syndrome).

      Most people have a voice inside them that guides them, their desires and behaviours. (Not to be compared to schizophrenia where it actually sounds like a large loud voice and someone talking next to them)

  • ihbh on 10/06/2022 - 09:32
    +4

    Some of my experiences:

    • Women are definitely better at verbal conversation on average than men - so use your wife as a bridge in the short term to build new/rebuild relationships.

    • There are extroverted guys who can speak like women - e.g. in my kid's classes the guys that work in sales. You're not one of them, so take opportunities to meet and be in the presence of others - e.g. recently I was at a school update with 7 other women and just moi and I contributed a couple of things apart from the greetings. I wasn't like the lady in media who could crack jokes and be the focus of the meeting after she arrived late, but at least I was equal last (tied with a few ladies) in terms of speaking least. I could have said nothing, but I wanted to help and contribute. It was harder for me because I only knew of two visually from before and I came late after the intros.

    • Eye contact practice - when you go for walks, nod and make eye contact with everyone you pass and say hello, morning, good day, whatever, you're comfortable with. If you live in my neighbourhood this would be easy because everyone does it to each other. Try to get to wanting to genuinely acknowledge the person you pass.

    • Friends - if you have broad interests and are at a different stage of life to your peers, then this can be hard. E.g. most of my peers are working their arse off climbing the corporate ladder, etc. I don't climb the corporate ladder so have nothing really in common with them apart from past gossip and big corporate developments. I have a good friend who retired a few years ago with a similar exec corporate background who understands my position and calls me up at least every month and we have a chat/catch up for a coffee. He tries to get me involved with the Men's Shed and other Men's Groups with other retired guys. I don't have the time and not as much motivation/interest, but I have made an effort to attend one or two and it was good to meet people in different walks of life and chat about stuff that made me think (outside of my usual interest, but topical - e.g. assisted dying bill). I look forward to our chats/catch ups.

    • With friends, if you have, say, 8 pizza slices of interest and 1 or two overlap with that friend, focus on those in your connections, but branch out a little into the other wedges as appropriate. E.g. the fried above hasn't got much in terms of physical interest as me, but something happened to him and I could share my preventative experiences.

    • Conversations - think of it as us instead of me. It's not a verbal diarrhoea dump or argument (easy for me to say, I've been guilty many times of all of this). The easiest way I've found is not to take it personally and just let it flow. A conversation is a to and fro thing and each time it comes to you, you build a small bridge to it and send it back. You steadily build a scaffold piece by piece, not a double storey wall in one go.

    • Interests - do you have any interests/hobbies. It's pointless to wait until you retire to acquire one. 1. I have heaps (too many according to my wife) and for each 2. I try to connect with people in real life and at least one to one electronically, not just posting comments/advice generically.

    • Uncomfortable about some things - I try to have canned responses. E.g. what do you do? I still don't have a good response to acquaintances but at least I've prethought this a little and tweak it according to the situation.

    • Hangryuman on 10/06/2022 - 11:22
      +1

      mostly nice advice there - except maybe

      'what do you do?' - not sure what you meant but as a common opener I'd rather avoid this class-pressure question - 'I'm an accountant' - ('oh must be a boring person then' … silence)

      I prefer to use an open question like 'what do you get passionate about ?'

      so people can talk about their driving interests - not just the stupid job they may hate.

      • ihbh on 10/06/2022 - 13:01
        +1

        Sorry that didn't come across clearly. I have trouble with questions about what I do for a living so I have some prethought out responses depending on the situation. Likewise anything he's not comfortable with, have some prepared responses and then go from there.

  • idonotknowwhy on 10/06/2022 - 10:29
    +1

    I guess I can go speak to a GP, but I seem mostly fine at the GP in the past

    You should go and see a GP because you said:

    mostly fine at the GP in the past

    and

    has significantly deteriorated

    Even if you have autism, the fact that you're seeing some changes means a GP will need to rule out nutrient deficiencies, thyroid/hormone issues via blod tests. Then they'll want to refer you to a specialist to rule out things like

    Early onset dementia

    Just go and raise the concerns with your gp, and book a double appointment so it's not rushed. Hope it all works out well for you, good luck.

    • John Kimble on 10/06/2022 - 12:46

      What I meant by mostly fine at the GP in the past, is I'm able to speak pretty normally at the GP for whatever reason I don't mix up all my words etc

      I did recently get a blood test, everything was mostly fine, but a few things were missed that people have listed here, so looks like I'll have to go back.

  • Seni0r El Cheapo on 10/06/2022 - 10:49

    That is basically me!

    Welcome to the club.

  • rooster on 10/06/2022 - 10:57
    -1

    Yeah been there done that. Spent thousands getting testing for Cognitive impairment and Austism - sometimes its just finding the right career where you can add value and feel like you are making an impact in the world, to give you the confidence.

    Subcounsciously you are being demoted from your role in your family You have contributed to the world three little people, and your wife will now begin the task of removing you from their lives. Look at youtube and see how Jordan Peterson conveys the family dynamic (Lobster) - and how that you won't be retained unless there is a significant financial dependency.

    • OzzyOzbourne on 10/06/2022 - 12:01
      +1

      Even if there is a significant financial dependency then this will in fact help reduce retention as the system has been set up to ensure she will get most of what you have along with significant monthly payments from you, which will increase if she meets another wealthy guy and decides to give up working altogether. Again, Jordan peterson explains this is why Western kids without regular contact with fathers is the highest it's ever been.

      • rooster on 10/06/2022 - 14:19
        -1

        Loose access to your kids for a few years, that will improve your motivation to communicate or articulate your needs more clearly.

  • powerinnumbers on 10/06/2022 - 10:58

    I'm betting that you have a small group of fantastic friends.

    • John Kimble on 11/06/2022 - 04:31

      Interesting comment, why do you say that?

      They are all pretty clever and we get together regularly (well used to before covid, now not as often), but I dunno what the definition of "fantastic" is?

      We're not that close that we go on group family holidays? I assume that's close?

      I'm sure they would do their best to help me out in a bind, and I would do the same.

      One thing I did think was our kids would would see and play with each other's kids a more, that doesn't seem like it will happen for whatever reason(s).

      • powerinnumbers on 11/06/2022 - 09:07
        +1

        Just "A" typical that people who find it uninteresting to meet people are selective as well. It's just your inner friend-o-meter :) Once you get friends it's because they match you well.
        It's just a thought

  • Hangryuman on 10/06/2022 - 11:16
    +3

    browsing the OPs comments, key points I noticed were 'addictive personality', 'forums' and 'sedentary'

    if overweight there may be an element of avoiding public interactions to avoid feeling shame about body image

    if addictive there's a typical drive to repeat unhealthy behaviours - I can't help with that

    I also blame the internet, designed to attract eyeballs and keep them engaged

    so anyone who is not enjoying face-to-face interaction in meatspace can go further down the wormholes

    and end up in unsavory places like ISIS/DAESH, with extremist believers, and come out shooting to fix imaginary world problems that are all in your head.

    humans are social animals - and social interaction takes practice

    words coming out in a rush and not being impressive - try talking more to random strangers - a brief chat to the checkout chick - don't talk about yourself, talk about something in common, nice weather, their nice clothing/jewellery/hair - a few seconds, a smile, will lift your mood !

    practice makes perfect - avoiding practice makes it harder over time - you don't want to be Howard Hughes - richest guy became paranoid avoiding human contact, grew long hair and fingernails - went crazy and died alone in a luxury Hilton Hotel room or somesuch.

    If you do the easy thing, your life can be hard. If you do the hard thing, your life can become easy.

    • ihbh on 10/06/2022 - 16:57
      +1

      Very good points, especially the practice and doing the easy vs hard things.

      I've started new things later in life and am pretty good at many of them, … ten plus years later. But when I started, it looked impossible and I would never believe my progress now.

      The thing is if you stick to the easy things now, it could compound into irreversible hardship later on. Neurological diseases such as dementia are driven by poor nutrition, and lack of exercise and social interaction. You don't really have a choice to not to start practicing now.

  • Daniel Plainview on 10/06/2022 - 11:22
    +5

    You sound a LOT like me - I might be on the very mild end of having Apsergers (as I tell anyone, just enough so I come off as an a-hole but not disadvantaged by it).

    My 2c worth - if you're truly ok with it, don't sweat it all and concentrate on just being the best version of YOU. You're old enough now to know that being what society and others want from you is only going to end badly.

    But if it's even worrying you a tad - and posting on OzB tells me it is (though not a great way to solve it as often you'll get as many trolls etc as decent advice) but go to your GP and advise him you'd like him to draw you up a mental health plan. Will enable you to get a number of free psych sessions and if nothing else allow you a tad clarity on what your issues & workarounds are.

    Socialising is like a muscle, if you don't do it much it regresses - so what you say is normal, don't let it get you down.

    • Mr Haj on 10/06/2022 - 14:46
      +1

      Yep I'm the same. I've unofficially been diagnosed with Asperger's by a few Counsellors. It didn't really affect me in my schooling years. It's not until I've entered the workforce that I've realised I have serious difficulty interacting with people.

      Drinking provides me with a state of euphoria; a sort of comfort in social situations. Unfortunately I can't really keep a lid on my drinking and tend to black out most of the time.

      I've been to GPs, counsellors, psychologists etc but nothing has really ever seemed to help. I've sort of given up now. I have a pretty bleak outlook on life these days. That being said I think everyone reacts to drugs and other treatment differently. You might be able to be helped.

      • cookie2 on 10/06/2022 - 14:53

        I'm sorry to hear this. Ever spoken to a doc about cbd or meds in general? How did drinking help in social situations exactly?

        • Mr Haj on 10/06/2022 - 15:01

          Yeah probably tried about half a dozen different meds but nothing really makes me feel any different. When I drink my social anxiety disappears, or is suppressed anyway. All of a sudden I don't care about anything. It's a great feeling.

          • cookie2 on 10/06/2022 - 18:20
            +1

            @Mr Haj: Honestly, I think a lot of people with social anxiety feel like that with alcohol. It's easy to get outa control with it. Consider trying a thc/cbd mix or a benzodiazapine. Worth trying anyway, there are meds out there that when used properly, can help. I'd also suggest seeing a professional that can do cognitive behavioral therapy to assist you in managing the situations that cause the anxiety (and take it worth a grain of sand coz i know you didn't ask for advice :) )

  • IWoNdEr on 10/06/2022 - 11:48
    +1

    Probably sleep deprivation and lack of exercise.
    I will go work on these two first.

    Definitely see a GP when can then refer you to see a psychologist to go through things in more depth.

  • gakko on 10/06/2022 - 11:59
    +1

    I learned to love the surface interactions with people, so long as the people are nice to deal with.

    Is OK to go the other way. There is no particular way any person has to be. Acknowledging that being more social will naturally lead to some of the benefits of society,having connections and friendships more easily etc.

    As others have said, see a psychiatrist or psychologist. Don't worry or be too hard on yourself. Just start a process of examination into what these changes are all about. Make some steps and get started.

  • ozaym on 10/06/2022 - 12:08
    +3

    hi John, lockdown would be one of the factors, i find Iā€™m actively avoiding small talk, and at times Iā€™m forgetting words to use, I feel the lockdown has taught us we donā€™t need as much human interaction as we think, and also I think using phone/text/email too much has affected my communication skills.

    Iā€™m in my mid 30s, and in a role that requires constant customer and partner communication, my way to fix it has been discuss business over a beer or coffee, seems to work for me.

  • DiscoJango on 10/06/2022 - 12:12
    +1

    My thoughts are: as you get older, you dont care as much anymore. Youve been there, done that etc

    You spent all your early life going to parties, meeting people, being outgoing etc whereas now you just really cant be bothered striking up that conversation with that stranger, who you dont really care about. You would rather just chill at home.

    Keep in mind that only up until very recently (last couple of hundred years) humanity basically lived in small villages. You would probably know less than 100 people your entire life. All your information/gossip etc was constrained to your local village, your neighbour etc. You certainly had no idea what some famous person on the other side of the world named their first born.

    Something like an entire current newspaper is the total knowledge people used to have in their entire lives.

    Pretty much, as others have said, were at information overload, constant, non stop bombardment of stimulation which is literally causing some of us to just…stop.

    I always wondered in my youth why all old people just want to live in a small house 5000 kilometers from the nearest person, as i get older, i totally get it.

    • Hangryuman on 14/06/2022 - 14:15

      'all old people just want to live in a small house 5000 kilometers from the nearest person'

      with logic like that, you haven't even started to get it …

      e.g. I'm old and live in a high-density complex a short stroll from the centre of Sydney and love seeing and talking with people - neighbours and friends - every day

  • pformag on 10/06/2022 - 13:19

    This might help.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozSjZ6iRKSA

  • Oofy Doofy on 10/06/2022 - 13:22

    Maybe look into what Bruce Willis was diagnosed with? Maybe you have something in that sphere going on.

  • freekay on 10/06/2022 - 13:35
    +1

    Maybe it's a tumour.

  • Raif on 10/06/2022 - 15:06

    Someone has probably already said this, but I couldn't find it.. lot of exotic diagnoses being thrown around here, I'd be cautious of that.

    What you are describing sounds like a depressive disorder, in particular I'd look at anhedonic depression. Depression doesn't necessarily have to present with overwhelming sadness.

  • SupeNintendoChalmers on 10/06/2022 - 15:07
    +1

    Someone already mentioned it, but it sounds like you have High Functioning Autism and have been masking for most of your life. Now that you are older and probably cbf 'wearing the mask', your body and mind are probably telling you to let go and be yourself.

    edit- others have mentioned things like anxiety and depression, these two are usually co-morbidities with Autism.

  • sleepyowl on 10/06/2022 - 15:14
    +3

    You're definitely not alone in this I think the perfect storm of covid, lockdowns, floods, and all the other crap we've had to put up with really changed the way we interact.

    I think it's a combination of comfort from being at home away from f2f social interaction, plus forced lockdowns and then (I'm also guilty of this) using any excuse such as covid to avoid going out. It becomes a vicious circle.

    I noticed a really similar thing to you, where I have recently often been finding it hard to speak face to face to people, questioning myself and also feeling like I had nothing else to add. I also do the exact same thing with my loss of focus, I have to actively listen and force myself to stay focused, it almost feels like I may have ADHD.

    I genuinely think it because we have been stuck at home for so long, and then after this became comfortable with it.

    My solution is to just force yourself out on weekends, go to dinner dates with your wife, go out with friends, go to the park etc.There's always that huge anxiety, all these excuses that you'll give yourself in your mind that sound reasonable enough to stop yourself from going out, just push through this, get through that hard part and then I guarantee when you are there you'll start to have fun. I've started to just relax a bit more, take a few deep breaths and just enjoy my surroundings again, I think the more practice we put in, the better it gets!

  • AddNinja on 10/06/2022 - 15:14
    +2

    I think you were smart to reach out on a forum.

    Iā€™ve suffered from exactly your speech disorder. I couldnā€™t order my thoughts - I couldnā€™t express myself clearly or cleverly.

    I addressed it by starting with friends and family - telling them the problem I was having, and to please help me by not rushing me in conversation,
    by telling me which bits were unclear. Essentially asking them to take more time in talking with me.

    Slowly my conversation skills improved (like high order stuff - ordering of ideas, development of argument etc) but what helped most was how much my friends/family were willing to help me, how much they obviously cared. I just felt less concerned about my conversation skills.

    The only advice I have is (I believe) generally good advice for all people at all times: take up a hobby and join a club. If youā€™re fit - perhaps a sport, if youā€™re rich something fun like sailing or horse riding. If youā€™re poor, something crafty or intellectual. Resign yourself to being slow to communicate with the club members - but if you keep it up, soon theyā€™ll learn that you know what going on and are good to have about.

    All the best to you!

    • John Kimble on 10/06/2022 - 15:17
      +1

      Iā€™ve suffered from exactly your speech disorder. I couldnā€™t order my thoughts - I couldnā€™t express myself clearly or cleverly.

      When did it start for you?

      • AddNinja on 10/06/2022 - 15:46

        The year before I left my job to start my phd, and then for a couple of years after that. Perhaps stress brought it on? Feeling that people were on my side, both at home and at uni took so much heat out of it.

      • ihbh on 10/06/2022 - 16:41
        +1

        If you think that you have a thought structuring problem, Google a few management consulting frameworks such as The Minto Pyramid Principle (you don't have to buy the book, in the hundreds, just read the summary to get the gist of it) and variations of it such as Situation, Complication, Resolution.

  • Elnato on 10/06/2022 - 15:34

    Work on improving yourself and better your confidence, take up a sport you have a passion in or pursue a hobby you can talk to people passionately about. You could also speak to a therapist if you want to spend the money

  • Jackson on 10/06/2022 - 17:41
    -1

    Could be a tumour?

  • bruschetta on 10/06/2022 - 19:09

    Maybe talk with a psychologist?

  • striker5950 on 10/06/2022 - 21:49
    +1

    watch fightclub

  • Blitz001 on 10/06/2022 - 21:56

    Do you smoke weed at all?

  • amy8017 on 10/06/2022 - 22:06

    I think you should try microdosing.

  • bzart01 on 10/06/2022 - 22:14
    +1

    In the end, you know yourself the best. Your normal is not the same as someone else's. It sounds like you have noticed some changes lately - you have great self awareness! It just seems like you're not sure what the causes are for these changes. It seems like these changes may be negatively affecting your life so I understand why you may be concerned or thinking about this.

    If you feel comfortable with your GP, they should be able to refer you to a mental health professional or specialist if required. There are also helplines available such as Lifeline and Mensline.

  • endolphin on 10/06/2022 - 23:58
    +3

    A lot of what you wrote resonated with me, except that I am single, never married, no kids. Not to be all woe is me, but I'm getting a bit over the constant alone time.

    For me communication is not usually an issue where it is one on one, but in a group setting is a different story. Doesn't even need to be a big group. 3 to 4 is enough. The biggest issue is that there have been times when I have been presenting at senior management meetings where my mind goes totally blank. It can happen literally mid sentence and my brain just panics and I just ramble nonsense. It only lasts for a few seconds, and I've learnt to scan my material for a trigger to "snap" back to focus, but it's constantly now on my mind, worrying when it will next happen. Sometimes I can feel it happening (my focus fading away) but I trigger the snap back before anything is noticed.

    Worrying about it is irrational, I know. I could just say "oh I've just lost my train of thought" but I never think to do that.

    If I get any tricky questions I also have difficulty articulating a response on the spot, even if my brain has thought of a good response.

    • cookie2 on 11/06/2022 - 06:51

      Do you literally feel the thoughts disappearing? I've gotten that for years, it's like they fall out from under me. It's very frustrating but I've never spoken with anyone else that gets it. Mine isn't always linked to social situations tho, it just happens in general. Triggers work and often I'll ask my partner "what were we talking about or what was i saying" and a reminder may trigger the thought once I can backtrack in my mind. Does this sound like what you get?

      • endolphin on 11/06/2022 - 14:55
        +1

        Yeh that's exactly how it feels. I have this solid plan in my head about what I'm next going to talk about, and then it just vanishes.

        It seems to happen more often when I have prepared really well and so I am very across my material, but then all of a sudden I can feel like I am almost on auto pilot, so maybe it goes too far and my brain switches off. I'm probably not explaining it very well. It's hard to explain.

        • cookie2 on 11/06/2022 - 17:26
          +1

          I get it. I think of my brain like the information is just filed in seperate areas and if my mind starts to think of something in another area, the other thought may go. Or if I've just thought of something but I'm busy talking to someone about something else ,and I haven't yet "filed it away" it can disapear from under me before I can grasp the whole complete memory to store it in my mind. That probably sounds like nonsense but I have a feeling you might get it. Maybe the mind is switching off between the way you've stored the information you've practiced etc and then the act of projecting the information out. At some stage I'll talk to someone about it but I'm too young currently that I feel GPs don't seem to see any significance.

    • Brick Tamland on 11/06/2022 - 14:52

      I am 100% the same. Most of the time I am fine one-on-one and can even do quite well at times (used to work in sales relatively fine) but I am still not the sharpest pencil in the box. When it comes to speaking in a group or presenting to managers at work my mind either goes blank or it races and I speak rubbish. I feel it coming on and often I cant catch it. If there is a break or a question I might be able to reset. When I am done rambling I am in a full body sweat. Personally, its become such an issue that I need to do something, currently thinking about attending a toast master type class but the idea of it makes me feel ill.

    • Jenus on 11/06/2022 - 16:55

      Yeah, I've had my fair share of this, and still do but tbh I've managed quite well around this. Some of it is just getting put in so many meetings that I get used to the people - but in front of new folks I become one step slower again.

      The other thing that helped, was advice from the book 10% happier. It has a few very obvious insights, but the two that helped me are (in my own interpretation):

      1. Everyone is miserable to some extent, so embrace it
      2. When your mind tells you you're screwing up, tell yourself you welcome the thoughts. Don't fight it, just let it flow through you.

      Even the art of not giving a (profanity) has a similar ideology. Just let the moment pass.

      And everything will be better.

      I've learnt to give less shit about how I prefer to spend time on Friday evenings with my family than at the pub with colleagues. As one example.

  • CrowdControl101 on 11/06/2022 - 02:09
    +1

    OOS

  • wekimekigugudan on 11/06/2022 - 06:01
    +1

    What Is Wrong with Me?

    a question I've been asking myself since 1991

  • Yamete Kudasai on 11/06/2022 - 09:03
    +1

    are you gaining a lot of weight during covid? i have the same issue with you and i gained 20 kg and high blood pressure too. start getting vertigos as well recently. GP think it might be related, but never investigated further.

    • John Kimble on 11/06/2022 - 09:23

      I've put on about 10kgs

      • Yamete Kudasai on 11/06/2022 - 09:33
        +1

        just do a health check, BP, cholesterols, etc. GPclaimed that all of it related.with mood changes which may lead to it.

        she told me last month and i havent lose much weight, so i cant really say if she is right or not.

  • AlanHB on 11/06/2022 - 09:54
    +1

    I reckon it's just a practice thing - just actively put yourself in the uncomfortable position of engaging with people more and you'll overcome it.

  • f23lda on 11/06/2022 - 10:36
    +1

    The trouble with going to a gp is that it's like going to a mechanic and saying your car is not working well. Unless you poke at the problem and gather data, they might not be able to help.

    I would suggest that you at the very least put exercise back into your life (as a father, I'm sure that is incredibly difficult). It has such a huge effect mentally that it's worth dabbling with, just to make sure it can't relax your mind enough to sift through the mess and be more coherent. It's a free hit at medication, if you like.

    Failing that, rather than forcing yourself to socialise with randoms, I'd be trying to sharpen those skills at home.

  • BuyoTheCat on 11/06/2022 - 10:53
    +1

    it might be worth having a consult with a psychologist. It be good to have someone who is clinically qualified to have a chat with. This is their field so they have a lot more exposure to issues like this than the general public.

  • Shaklfjord on 11/06/2022 - 12:41
    +2

    I feel like this describes or at least described me to a T. Iā€™m also in my 30s and l I felt a general apathy toward social interaction which to be honest I was ok with as Iā€™ve been someone who was quite social my whole life and it was nice to just switch that part of my brain off.

    The forgetting of names, the inability to understand concepts I previously could and a general ā€˜brain-fogā€™ is what started to really concern me though.
    When you said early onset dementia thatā€™s how I was internally describing myself and itā€™s also how I stumbled upon what I feel has helped me a lot. I read an article which mentioned that having low iron levels produced symptoms comparable to dementia. Iā€™ve supplemented iron on and off my whole life but realised it had been many many years since I had taken any. I started taking Ferro-Grad C and also started running and I feel like these two things have really helped me with the issues that you have described.

  • DemocracyManifest on 11/06/2022 - 13:12
    +2

    Howā€™s your sleep? Get tested in a clinic overnight for sleep apnea. I did the at home test and it failed I reckon, I snore heavily and as a result in the day time I donā€™t have much energy, brain fog and if thereā€™s an event at night time Iā€™m keen to go to bed.

    • John Kimble on 11/06/2022 - 15:17
      +2

      Pretty shit since kids…we made a rod for our own backs by not sleep training them.

      • DemocracyManifest on 11/06/2022 - 19:01
        +1

        Maybe try some 2mg melatonin from iherb, could help a bit

      • fenric on 12/06/2022 - 02:16
        +1

        Feeling your pain in the "Have kids, crap sleep, can't form sentences" party.

    • node modules on 11/06/2022 - 14:11
      +2

      Do you have any credible scientific evidence that suggests "hardening up" improves one's health outcomes?

    • John Kimble on 11/06/2022 - 15:18

      Will do. Do you have a harden up plan you can share?

    • cookie2 on 11/06/2022 - 17:29
      +1

      Actually I think the comments on this post show that infact there are people out there that care. But not you. It's lonely thinking like that.

  • DDoug on 11/06/2022 - 14:44
    +2

    I have and have had similar issues.

    There are lots of good things here to try, and I hope something works for you.

    That fear of losing connection with your kids is painful. The best thing I did when mine were young was read to them every day. Not just a picture book at bedtime, but a good half-hour session. We went all through Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and others that way. They used to sit and draw while I read, and those times are happy memories still for all of us. Apart from the connection, it may also have helped me be more used to the sound of my own voice, articulating well and at a measured pace, in sentences, with good vocabulary. I wonder if it might be a way of recovering some of that sophistication of expression you mentioned. Also it's fun. And it can set your kids up to be readers, which can be an uphill struggle if you leave it too late, or leave it to their schools.

    Good luck!

    • John Kimble on 11/06/2022 - 15:16
      +1

      That's a great idea! I currently read bedtime stories to my kids, but they are younger, so the books aren't too hard…except those pesky Dr Seuss ones.

      I forgot to mention my spoken reading has diminished a bit too. Had to read a brief passage at a baptism and really had to concentrate on my enunciation.

    • cookie2 on 11/06/2022 - 17:30

      Awesome idea.

  • caitsith01 on 11/06/2022 - 17:40

    Sounds like undiagnosed long-term depression to me…

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