Ex Won't Sell OR Let Me Buy Him Out

Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 13:16

So I moved out of the home I owned with an ex a few years ago, I continued to contribute up until May 2014.

He has been living there, I do not receive rent from him and I do not contribute, I have a verbal agreement with him that when we eventually sell, he will get back what extra he has paid off the house since I left. I know this arrangement is no good for me, but the break up was not mutual and I felt sorry for him.

I now would like to buy him out, he threatened to commit suicide (as he has done for years to guilt me), I said if he doesn't let me buy him out, I will get a court order forcing him to sell.

Does anyone have any suggestions, advice, tips, a recommendation for a lawyer? I just want to get out of this situation and move on with my life.

Financial

Comments

  • Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 13:16

    PS. I am in the Sth East suburbs of Melbourne.

    • pointless martyr on 05/02/2016 - 15:24
      +56

      You are talking about hundreds of thousands of dollars and emotional blackmail / suicide here - doesnt get much more serious IMO.

      You are lucky no kids are caught in the middle.

      Close this thread amd go see a lawyer - everyone knows a bit about everything and a lot about nothing on internet forums, ozbargain included

        • Ryugen on 07/02/2016 - 04:18
          +8

          And this ladies and gentleman is how Anti-Vaxxers are born.

          Everything on the internet is to be taken with so much salt you could run a profitable business letting people mine the salt you have collected. Asking for a second opinion with different lawyers? Please by all means, however the fact that they are a registered lawyer they have their experience, knowledge and reputation on stake when they give advice that is being paid for. Consistently wrong lawyers (Anything really) don't get very far. If you are arguing about how much they cost then that's a whole another argument, as many jobs seem "easy and simple" from the outside but actually entails a lot of prep/work in the background to make sure it all goes smoothly on the public facing front.

          Self informed/empowered borders very closely to heresy when you Google your answers. Feel free to do self research but please seek professional advice about something of this magnitude.

        • [Deactivated] on 07/02/2016 - 13:00

          Hate on lawyers all you want, they also help A LOT of people.

        • [Deactivated] on 08/02/2016 - 17:07
          -1

          @Ryugen:

          And you sir, are in the same boat as the fools that administered mercury as medicine.

        • Ryugen on 08/02/2016 - 17:32
          -1

          @tren:

          Are you referring to the use of Chinese medicine back in the dynasty days, along the same timeline in India as a form of religion or the more recent, late 1800s to the early 1900s, where people were selling homebrewed medicine (containing Mercury along with other toxins) to the general public claiming to cure a wide assortment of ailments?

          I think my advice still stands, if someone walked up to you and said this cures Syphilis (a known and documented use for Mercury, which worked but most likely did the same if not more harm to the patient than the Syphilis), take it with a grain of salt.

          Going back to your statement, maybe I would have been if all sources touted Mercury as a cure to whatever else was killing me at the time. I guess I'm lucky to be born in a time where publicly available medicine goes through some sort of testing/trial period.

          Cheers for that though, something to do while I'm sitting on hold.

        • edgar28 on 08/02/2016 - 18:20
          -2

          @Ryugen:

          http://www.celebrityreputation.com/2015-10-12-jim-carrey-bra…

          flu vaccine has gone through testing and trial period? if so why they do not responsible for what they injected into human?

          How many times that the vaccine administrated into us and declared useless from the history?

          Those proven vaccine is a must though, those new untested type….. better not.

        • tryagain on 08/02/2016 - 21:03

          @Beethoven: By help do you mean charge a very large sum of money to offer some advice?

        • Ryugen on 09/02/2016 - 00:30
          +2

          @edgar28:
          That's a great read and I counter with this article I just Googled in 5mins?

          http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/jim-carrey-vaccinatio…

          So now you and I both have 2 conflicting pieces of online media and I'm sure we could link duel all night and get no where.

          This will be my last post though, I'm not going to fill this thread with a epeen battle over vaccinations, there are already plenty of those threads available all over the internet.

          Someone down vote all of us so the OP doesn't have to read all this useless crap, but if you do OP please get professional advice and apologies for derailing this section of your thread.

        • jellykingdom on 09/02/2016 - 09:43
          +3

          @edgar28:

          I think you might find that the best way to "win" a fight on the internet is not to jump to a celebrity gossip website…

        • edgar28 on 09/02/2016 - 12:32
          -1

          @jellykingdom:

          two cases flu vaccine causing kids having brain dead is extensive testing?

      • CandyMan on 06/02/2016 - 22:56
        -2

        You are lucky no kids are caught in the middle

        How did you figure that out. Don't make assumptions

        • pointless martyr on 07/02/2016 - 14:56
          +2

          Hmm, you just assumed i assumed….now go away and mull over your hypocrisy

        • CandyMan on 07/02/2016 - 15:11

          @pointless comment: Ok,it's pointless commenting on a pointless comment anyway

    • humdogg on 11/02/2016 - 16:49

      Hi I am a lawyer based in the Sth East of Melb and practice in family law. PM me if you want.

      Pointless comment is right, above. A lot of people think they know here, and they don't.

  • Blottski on 05/02/2016 - 13:27
    +12

    suicide has nothing to do with it. Get the court order. He's full of shit knowing you'll fall for it.

    • StewBalls on 05/02/2016 - 14:26
      +16

      On the contrary, it's a big win-win for the OP if he tops himself! :p

      • BigTed on 05/02/2016 - 15:57
        +7

        Only if they are joint tenants - not tenants in common

  • nocure on 05/02/2016 - 13:29
    +7

    Sorry to hear your news..but the only way to settle this will be in a court of law asap.You have given him plenty of time to get his act together…more than I would have.

  • Zanadar on 05/02/2016 - 13:30

    Get your solicitor to send him a letter of demand.
    If he won't take that seriously then you will have to go to court.

  • Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 13:30

    Are court orders expensive? I've read that the property can only be sold if both parties agree?

  • cDNA on 05/02/2016 - 13:31
    +14

    He's a lying dirt bag. Get your lawyer to clean up this mess and don't contact him ever.

    • Blottski on 05/02/2016 - 13:39

      hope you have a new boyfriend or some big male friends that can help you do this.

      Your ex sounds like his a bit iffy mentally. This scenario could go south, real quick.

      • Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 13:51
        +3

        My new boyfriend is a professional boxer. I am more aggressive than him though, he probably wouldn't be keen on the idea, but I'd do it myself.

        I tried to be nice because we were together for over 6yrs, I had respect for him and the relationship, but trying to do right by him has just landed me in a worse position.

    • Pharos5 on 05/02/2016 - 14:27
      +10

      Sounds fun, but probably wouldn't look good in any formal proceeding after-the-fact.

    • PVA on 06/02/2016 - 12:00
      +7

      thats a pretty shonky thing to do and wont help your cause at all, he is half owner.

      • stemcell on 06/02/2016 - 13:00
        +2

        I don't like the bully him out scenario, remember in these situations your only get to hear one side of the story :/

    • Finde on 07/02/2016 - 08:58
      +5

      Speaking as a police officer working in the South East suburbs - don't do that. Just going to cause more shit and get police involved which won't necessarily end well for you.
      We also don't want to get involved.
      Go speak to a lawyer. It's been going on for years already what a few more weeks?

  • Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 13:32
    +2

    Also, I don't have a lawyer, what sort do I get, property? Family?

  • altomic on 05/02/2016 - 13:32
    +21

    the family court of australia has DIY property settlement guides. from how to make an application to writing your own affidavit.

    I'd suggest starting there first to get an idea of the process.

    here is a link for the property section.

    have a look at that.

    Though first, write a letter explaining what terms of property settlement you are seeking from your ex and give him 30 days to respond. and also explain you're tired of his threats of suicide which consistent intimidation and border on harrasment, therefore you will only accept a written response. if he doesn't respond then make your application to court on the 31 st day.

    Disclaimer - i'm not a lawyer but have worked directly in the legal field for the last 8 years to have seen your story 100 of times.

    • Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 13:34
      +1

      Thank you so much, I'm very overwhelmed but that link is a great starting point.

  • kingsville on 05/02/2016 - 13:40
    +8

    Sorry to hear about the situation. You could get the ball rolling by starting to fill out this:

    http://www.familycourt.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/fcoaweb/forms-…

    It forces you to work out how you want to divide the property of your relationship. If there are no kids, the split would probably be 50:50, unless you justify different contributions from each person. This means writing down who paid the mortgage, when you stopped, how much rent you paid while he enjoyed no rent, etc.

    Good luck

    • kingsville on 05/02/2016 - 13:41
      +1

      argh… beaten by altomic

  • aussieprepper on 05/02/2016 - 13:48
    +2

    I thought you do not need a lawyer in the family court system any more? they just sit you both down and make you mediate? But some one would be with you both looking over the case. but you will still have have to pay court fees i guess.

    • altomic on 05/02/2016 - 13:54

      if both parties agree to mediation with an accredited family law mediator then it can proceed that way.

  • Daniel Plainview on 05/02/2016 - 14:01
    +21

    IMHO there's nothing wrong with going the full legal route and getting court order to sell and lawyering up etc etc etc……BUT once you go down that path (which is completely by the book & what you're entitled to do) you might push someone who already sounds like they're somewhat emotionally unstable and not really that fussed on treating you equitably……into a situation where they feel "Phark it, I'm going to fight fire with fire" and thus compound the situation in any number of different ways.

    Personally I'd keep the layer, court order as the absolute last resort - I'd try and find a mutually agreeable 3rd party mediator who you can both sit down in front of and resolve as cost effectively, quickly and mutually FAIRLY as possible. You need to clearly state that if he does not wish to resolve in this manner, or another mutually agreeable manner that he can suggest you will reluctantly have to resort to the court order.

    I'd do this in a manner that will work for both of you - but it needs to also be sent in writing 7 you should keep a diary of contact requests you make.

    IF after you give him time to consider this request and also suggest who he'd like to use (and I'm talking professional mediating services not someone's mates or relos) he still stone walls you then I would advise him in writing that you are going to commence legal proceedings.

    It's a 'you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink deal'.

    I know some will say 'screw him lawyer up' BUT a certain % of folks will react VERY badly to this and from what the OP has stated I'd take the 'talk quietly and carry a big stick approach' rather than skipping straight to the legal process. You can always come back to this IF he rejects it but you can't offer to mediate AFTER lawyers have gotten involved.

    If that happens you'll both lose and only the lawyers win. So as painful as it is document things, try and explain it's for your mutual best interests and document whats said/done but lawyers and courts are a last resort unless things are life & death or money is no object. :-)

    • pyramid on 05/02/2016 - 14:04
      +4

      Best answer till now. Good job.

  • Davo1111 on 05/02/2016 - 14:30

    I'd be talking to him personally and come to a written agreement on the value and subsequent split on the house. I'd encourage you guys to get this all sorted outside the legal system, lawyering up will cost everyone.

    Not to sound like a dick, but if he kills himself, you'll probably be entitled to half (if not more) anyway.

  • [Deactivated] on 05/02/2016 - 14:34
    +1

    Having been through this in the last year, lawyering up is probably the only option. If it's amicable the process will take upwards of a year, if not 18-24 months, going through court etc. not knowing your full situation, a clean slate sounds like the best option for the both of you, a complete break, assets and all. Yes, you loved him for 6 years, but you don't now, you care about him but it's seems like he doesn't really care about you (at least not in the right way). If no kids are involved a 50-50 split is probably the best outcome for both of you. Ps, I used pearsons family lawyers

    • Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 14:36
      +1

      Thank you, if you don't mind me asking, do you have a rough figure?
      There is barely even 100k equity in the property (we bought in an area that has not increased, also he has let the house maintenance go terrible)

      I'm scared I will lawyer up then be left with nothing?

      • [Deactivated] on 05/02/2016 - 14:46
        +3

        it cost us approx 15k all up, but this was settled prior to court (family law court, both parties agreed on a percentage that was fair to both sides, it was signed off on there and presented to the judge who signed off in it). we were both on speaking terms and it was amicable. We went down this path so that it was legally binding and that it wouldn't bite us down the track (i.e./ either party doing the dirty on the other). A lot of the costs was on phone calls to the lawyer, letters being sent, correspondence type fees. I remember seeing the bills, $90 for a phone call, $150 for a letter to be written, it all added up. It probably would've cost another 10k if we went to court.

        • Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 14:57

          Wow so minimum 25k in costs for what is about 50k equity or less, less another 7.5k (my share in real estate fees if we have to sell), hardly even worth it.

          Never buying property with another person ever again (I was 20 when we bought)

        • [Deactivated] on 05/02/2016 - 23:24

          I know it sounds like a lot, but emotionally you will be free. From what I can gather your ex isn't willing to play ball, two years now and nothing. Can you handle another two years. From his point of view you've been passive and he's taken full control of the situation. It's a tough situation to be in, family lawyers are low lives preying on these situations but what can you do

        • goraygo on 06/02/2016 - 20:15
          +2

          @Tarara: I was in the same hole before. Sell it. Even if it break even afterwards. It is worth it.

          Besides, you need to watch out the tax bit if it was an investment, there would be tax consequences. Good luck and your life will be better without it.

          RE Suicide bit, emotional blackmail from him seems the only way it works for him, you have to show him it will no longer work. Don't give in to that crap. If he want to kill himself, it's his choice, whatever you do, do the right thing and don't cave in for him. It will help him to come out of that hell hole he dug for himself.

  • ozhunter on 05/02/2016 - 15:18

    So if you have a joint house with someone, you can force him to sell his half of the house at any time? Does the ex have the option of buying the OP's half?

  • Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 15:22

    I have begged him to buy me out for the past two years while he's been living there and I have had to rent but he can't afford to.

    • Janko on 06/02/2016 - 16:13

      I once bought a house from a woman in a similar situation to you and illustrate the story so you're aware of it. Her ex-husband wouldn't leave the house, so she put the house on the market. Husband sabotaged the house so no-one wanted to buy it, doing things like opening up s-bends on the plumbing so the place smelt like a sewer. Unfortunately that didn't work — it just dropped the sale price.

      • ronnknee on 08/02/2016 - 16:52

        So that worked out for you in the end?

  • voiletmay on 05/02/2016 - 15:50
    +2

    Sounds like he is still trying to control you - he still has power over you because of this property.

  • Peck on 05/02/2016 - 15:53

    Messy so far. From now on do it right. Do it by the book. Lawyer.

  • wretchd on 05/02/2016 - 15:56
    +6

    Keep the place fully insured in your name until the settlement. I'm not sure if there are policies that would cover it if it was intentionally damaged, burnt to the ground.

    Others might have a suggestion. I know it sounds extreme - but there have been cases where the place has been torched in similar circumstances.

    • Tarara on 05/02/2016 - 16:46

      This is also a concern :(

  • chumlee on 05/02/2016 - 18:19

    You need a propertyy settlement through Family Court unless you both can come to an agreement.

    Contact Slater and Gordon as a starting point as I think they have fixed price family law option.

    • goraygo on 06/02/2016 - 20:28

      Why so many people beg you? I don't get it.

      • onetwothreefour on 07/02/2016 - 09:16
        +3

        maybe they are negging the law firm rather than chumlee

      • moo on 08/02/2016 - 20:00
        +2

        Maybe they are stereotyping the username? Who knows. Ozbargainers can be unpredictable at times. Sorta like herding cats or dealing with engineers!! 😀

  • kickling on 06/02/2016 - 11:40
    +1

    Lots of information to take in above. It sounds like you lived together for quite a few years? If yes, you need to get advice from a GOOD family lawyer. Not suggesting that you hire one to go the full hog and rip shreds (yes, it's better when everyone is civil with each other), but to learn your rights and options from someone with experience in these situations. Anyone can read the law, but understanding is key.

    In your case, it sounds like mediation is preferable. You might be able to settle on agreeable terms, which is great for you both in terms of cost and effort. However, even if it's in writing and all parties understand and agree, defacto and divorce laws may still "bite you in the bum" in the future therefore making your mediation outcomes less authoritative.

    Note, I am not a lawyer, or one who thinks they are all awesome. Just want you to take the best option.

    PM me if you need - I can try help. Will explain more…

  • Brendoo on 06/02/2016 - 12:47

    What's the legal status of the property with regards to your name? Is it "joint tenants" or "tenants in common"? It makes a difference based on how you set the property up in the first place together.

  • eneloop on 06/02/2016 - 19:12
    +1

    Call in the bikies

    • No ONE on 07/02/2016 - 14:14

      Her new boyfriend is a boxer, no need for bikies.

  • cowiie on 06/02/2016 - 20:44

    I've head about a similar situation but where the guy burns down his own house and suicides. Insurance is then void and the wife is left with nothing (but land and mess)…

    Though don't know if this story is true.

  • [Deactivated] on 06/02/2016 - 22:26

    Sorry to hear about your situation. I suggest that you see your local community legal help centre for advice.

  • TheBird on 06/02/2016 - 23:07

    "he threatened to commit suicide"

    Next time he threatens this, accept his offer.

    • 2Poor4Ozb on 07/02/2016 - 00:43
      +1

      give him a noose for this valentines and hope for the best

  • infinite on 07/02/2016 - 03:00

    OP, please go and see a lawyer/solicitor about this. The first consult is always fee and even down the line at worst, a few thousand dollars in legal fees is pennies on the dollar compared to the financial loss or ruin you are facing for not having already managed the situation better / already enforced your legal rights.

  • geoffellis on 07/02/2016 - 03:36
    +1

    I now would like to buy him out, he threatened to commit suicide

    Best case scenario - he does it and you're a whole lot richer.

    Worst case scenario - he doesn't and you have to deal with him through the whole process…

    • Tarara on 07/02/2016 - 10:58
      +11

      Wow, just because a relationship didn't work it doesn't make me a bad person. Clearly someone that threatens suicide to control is mentally disturbed, and I lived through hell trying to help him for years.

      Thanks for all the advice guys. I've sent a formal letter of offer advising if he doesn't respond within 30 days the next contact will be through a lawyer.

      • sulmar on 08/02/2016 - 22:47
        -6

        Didn't work or because you dumped him for a boxer?

        Meh… what goes around, comes around.

  • [Deactivated] on 07/02/2016 - 13:01

    Sorry about the breakup :(
    I mean he sounds a bit…strange but still breakups are tough.

  • Geekomatic on 07/02/2016 - 16:44
    +1

    A verbal agreement is as good as the paper it's written on. Without eye witnesses attesting the the verbal agreement, it never happened (he said, she said). Jus' sayin'

    You may be able to find an online legal ratings site (rating attorneys)…otherwise, ask people you know & respect if they've ever contracted to a specific lawyer. Good word of mouth is better than tossing a dart.

    Good luck to you. I left my ex & all I really wanted was the kids & enough to get us going elsewhere. he traded them for his assets. RE: verbal agreement— we had one of those, too. He would start sending the kids money beginning in two years when he felt he would be able to afford more. Guess how much they got?

    Yep, "0"

    Hang in there & maybe see a counselor if you can afford it, as you go through the process. You need to take care of you.

  • BuyoTheCat on 08/02/2016 - 11:33
    +2

    give legal aid a call first. Its a free jump start to get the ball rolling for you.
    http://www.legalaid.vic.gov.au/

  • punkindrublic on 08/02/2016 - 16:23
    +1

    I skimmed through the responses but if you can't get help from Legal Aid and don't know where else to turn, try the Law Institute of Victoria's Lawyer Referral Service. As explained on the site:

    All law firms in the Find Your Lawyer Referral Service provide an up to a 30 minute enquiry interview free of charge. You can use this interview to determine with the solicitor the nature of the legal issue, discuss the available options and request an estimate of costs to proceed with the matter.

    • [Deactivated] on 09/02/2016 - 09:30

      I don't want a new girlfriend.

  • fozzie on 08/02/2016 - 18:40

    Yes I agree with other legal advice needed to boot him out. Fingers crossed he will just grow up and deal with it. What an awful thing to say he'll suicide. What a looser I can't blame you for wanting to leave him!

  • Donaldhump on 08/02/2016 - 23:18
    +1

    lawyer up and pay what ever is required, i think he will realise your not mucking around then. as far as the suicide thing is, call an ambulance for him, and they will put him in a hospital, don't take the threat lightly, even though more likely a bluff

  • franco cozzo on 09/02/2016 - 10:13
    -1

    ozbargain for divorce & marriage advice….? okeedokee
    havent you got somewhere/someone more appropriate to ask this?

  • Dont Care on 09/02/2016 - 13:25

    Hire a hitman

  • rubig on 10/02/2016 - 00:14

    He still loves you. Find some way to let him kniw that there is absolutely no way you 2 can be together again.

    Eg. Tell him you are engaged again.

  • The Batman on 14/02/2016 - 23:12

    I was in a situation like this. Had to beg and beg her to do it, and finally she agreed. Guess it was a matter of pride.

  • shannonn54 on 17/02/2016 - 15:36
    +1

    @op
    What makes you think you can force him to sell? If he's maintaining the mortgage payments he's not in default etc or causing you debt relating to the house which is jointly owned then why screw him over any more than you already have?

    Talk of new b/f being a pro boxer and indications of giving ex hammering are senseless, while talk of suicide is often an attempt to garner sympathy, when someone you loved moves out and rips your heart out, recovery can take many years.

  • Tarara on 18/02/2016 - 12:18
    +2

    He is welcome to buy me out or sell. You can't just live in a house years after a relationship and affect your exes chances of investing or buying a new property. Also, he is not managing the repayments and has drawn some of the extra we've paid out of the mortgage, just to make the payments. I have also paid numerous bills for him.

    I never said my new partner was going to 'give my ex a hammering', someone said they hope i have some big friends as he sounds 'iffy' mentally and I mentioned it. Stop making assumptions, I could assume that you're bitter like him and think that you're owed something because someone did what was best for them and walked away from you.

    So threatening suicide is natural and normal is it, according to you? I tried for years and years to improve things, I would get home from work and just stand at the front door mentally preparing myself for the depression and anguish that would hit me in the face every time I walked inside. Because he refused to work for 3 years because of his depression and because he had an inheritance to live off.

    I am not responsible for someone's mental issues and lack of resilience or want for a better life.

    • ozhunter on 18/02/2016 - 16:38

      He is welcome to buy me out or sell.

      But I was wondering, by law, is he required to do either?

  • shannonn54 on 18/02/2016 - 14:47
    +1

    I misread the comment re ex boyfriend and apologies for the mistake, however you only now reveal the ex is having trouble managing repayments etc. Please add those things to the original thread as that where I tend to look not having time to read every comment.

    I am sorry if I have offended you, but your comment re your responsibilities to anyone with mental illness lack of resilience et al are a bit of a cop out. As is the revelation that you had to endure the thought of dealing with the ex' depression and all the associated problems, giving us the impression you want , that because of your ex you're a victim and put up with hell?

    You merely did what a partner in any relationship/marriage is supposed to do, try your best then if it's not for you bail.

    The ppl I know with mental illness are unusually sensitive to breakups etc, no I'm not bitter because someone left me nor do I have a mental illness, threatening suicide as an attention seeking means to garner sympathy and pity party is normal for society, I know some seriously bi polar & totally skitz people and provide help, support where I can as unqualified professionally as I am.

    I did as you did; lived with a extremely bipolar partner, who refused to acknowledge the illness or take the appropriate medications after 4 plus year we moved on and I haven't seen her or heard of her since. Mind we had no house or cars tied to each other.

    At the end, you have probably done what is right for you. What's right for your ex? Who knows , if you were married, at any time you could have had him committed for 90 day evaluation due to the mental illness , if the illness was affirmed by family Dr.

    Perhaps that may have been the kindest thing to do

    Hope you get back what you have put in, both financially and mentally and your ex gets the help he needs

Login or Join to leave a comment
Login Join