Parents want to give me some of my inheritance now – how do I politely say no?

smit0847 on 28/06/2017 - 23:02

I’m 33, my parents are in their mid-60s. Both good health although Mum is in remission for cancer. They have both worked hard and made smart investment decisions so live very comfortably but fairly simply. I don't know much about their assets other than that they are diverse and complicated.

My parents agreed with my sister and I that the one time in our lives they would help us out financially was when we bought our first home – they contributed some/most of the deposit. I’ve kept this very quiet amongst friends who grumble about housing affordability. My sister and I have learnt our parents acumen for life and both have good jobs, are paying off our mortgages diligently and live fairly comfortably. We don’t need any inheritance from our parents and it would not change our lives much. I think they should be out there spending their money and enjoying their lives – its their money, no one else’s. I am not sitting around waiting for my payday.

My Dad just contacted me out of the blue saying he is reviewing his finances, legal documentation (he is very diligent with record keeping and having affairs in order) and has realised that my sister and I could use money more than they could so wants to give me a tax free gift towards my mortgage. It would reduce my mortgage by about 20%.

The thing is, I already feel guilty about the deposit gift and the easy ride I’ve had into home ownership. I’m quite proud that I’ve been maintaining the mortgage for years by myself and will never ask them for money whatever happens in the future. I don’t want to feel like I’m forever indebted to them and never really stood on my own two feet because they are always there propping me up. If I had kids I would happily pay for their wedding and provide them with a financial gift towards their first house deposit as a wedding present but I would expect them to make it on their own otherwise and certainly wouldn’t be loaning them money if they ran out of money while on backpacking on holidays etc.

How do I politely turn them down? The true reason is I don’t need their money and don’t want it but I can’t think of a nice way to say it. It’s a really lovely thing to do and I don’t want to sound rude or ungrateful – I want to keep making it on my own.

Financial

Comments

  • chillwok on 30/06/2017 - 18:11

    wouldn't you rather take the money and be happy to not be paying the bank as much interest yearly?
    pay your parents back with interest once you pay your mortgage off. also if you don't take their money wouldn't the ATO get a cut from the interest they are earning from that money. financial winners here are ATO and Bank if you don't take the money.

    i've borrowed money before from family and paid them back. win win situation for the family for anyone who has a chance to do it.

    good luck saying no to them!

  • cazulu3 on 30/06/2017 - 18:30

    Just tell him you appreciate the offer, but you're a man now and want to make your own way in life. Standing on your own two feet is a pathway to your success as an independent and individual human being.

    You could also add that you would be happy to go to him if there was a need. This may appease his need to help. He is a parent, and will always try and help you in some way.

    I have always believed the greatest gift I was given by my parents is life.

  • smit0847 on 30/06/2017 - 18:48
    +3

    Thanks everyone for your responses – I didn’t realise my thread would generate this much interest!

    To give you a bit more information and answers some peoples questions:

    1. My parents (more-so their accountant and financial planner) are very savvy so I suspect there are some tax advantage to this gift. Dad mentioned the gift would not come until later in the year because he is throwing every spare cent he has into his super before July 1 when I understand some rules are changing.
    2. He has been workshopping possible scenarios with his lawyer about what could happen in the future (i.e. Mum and Dad separate or one passes away and the other remarries, or the same happens with my sister and her husband) to cover off every scenario because he does not want anyone to be put out financially by this gift, or the money to go out of the family. He had also had serious discussions with my brother-in-laws parents who have been equally generous and they agreed to make exactly the same contributions to their kids so my sister and brother-in-law (and his brother) are on exactly equal footings should anything break down with the marriages there will be no recourse because of uneven contributions. As I said my parents are very diligent with record keeping and ‘what ifs’. Dad wanted to be fair an ensure I received the same as my sister but he did note she could probably use the money more than me as she has 2 small kids.
    3. In regards to putting the money aside for my own kids, I am in a (long-term) same-sex relationship with no plans to have children and I think they realise this. I also disagree with the concept of propping my kids up before they are even born – the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Yes I could take the money and invest it now and then in 20 years’ time it would probably be worth 2 house deposits that I could give them but I want my kids to make it on their own. I know a guy who is late 30s, has barely worked a day in his life and achieved nothing because his rich parents just pay for everything and he is miserable moping around a different city of the world each year alone because he has no goals, achievements or purpose in life. I would be embarrassed if I raised a son like that and would feel that I had failed as a parent.
    4. After reading all of your replies and re-writing the email about 10 times I’ve now gone back to him thanking him for everything they have done, explaining my situation, politely declining the offer but as a compromise suggesting that I plan to buy a second property when I eventually move back to Australia using the equity in the first home as deposit and that we could revisit the discussion then because if they were to help out with sale costs (i.e. stamp duty) then that would be enormously helpful to me. I also pointed out that most kids aren’t as lucky to have parents as amazing as they are.
    5. I never thought I would have the top thread on OzB!
    • poppit88 on 08/07/2017 - 01:02

      I'm just noting your comment about you wanting your kids to 'make it on their own.' I think you need to make a distinction here. There is a difference between wanting your (future) children to have a better quality of start in life than you had, and having parents who lay it out on a platter for your 30s' something friend who has achieved nothing.

      I watched a movie a couple of years ago (for the life of me I can't remember the name of it), around a similar scenario and the quote if I'm served correct was, "An inheritance, should allow you to do something with your life, rather than nothing."

      The fault is not necessarily in your friend, but his parents. Frankly, we are all products of our upbringing. Perhaps his family, never taught (or thought) it necessary for him to be independent of them.

      If you looked a little deeper at their relationship, I think you'd find a little bit of control and indulgence on the part of his parents. Individuals and families with extreme wealth often use that wealth to manipulate their children and immediate family to behave in a 'certain' way. It's used as a tool to control immediate family and siblings.

      If you have children of your own, and encourage them to be their own person, with their own ambitions and dreams,and don't spoil them rotten - it's very unlikely they're going to end up like your 30s' something friend.

  • Braintrain1000 on 30/06/2017 - 20:48
    +1

    ……and here i am with my account that never sees a saving going above $500 no matter how hard I work!

    Certainly your dad wants you invest that money like he did. Buy shares or something…

  • Braintrain1000 on 30/06/2017 - 20:49

    Help the gay community maybe?

  • dji1111111 on 30/06/2017 - 20:50
    +1

    Really don't understand why people even bother asking these questions on a public forum.
    You can't make these personal decisions yourself?
    It's not like you're in a dire situations. Like other people have said, first world problem.
    Get over it

  • HenryGalilei on 30/06/2017 - 22:33

    Mate, link them here, let them read the post and they will understand the situation, they will be very happy to have a son like you!

    • [Deactivated] on 30/06/2017 - 23:55

      What? Once they realise that he/she has taken this delicate matter 'outside the family'?
      They'll disown him!
      But every cloud has a silver lining: they can adopt me!

  • mranderson978 on 01/07/2017 - 00:10

    Say thank you and pay off your mortgage. It's not all about you. You are your parents legacy.

  • Cheapsize on 01/07/2017 - 01:21

    Honestly I would take it and invest it to give your parents a good quality of life in case they fall ill. Because if you start dealing with the aged care system/advocacy/state trustees in a few years they will take it off you. At least you will be in a good position to afford an accountant and a lawyer.
    Your parents are very intelligent in this decision. Be in a position to assist them if they need it.
    I've had a bad experience and hopefully my perspective can assist and you can use your situation to your advantage.

  • FatBlanket on 01/07/2017 - 06:46

    No matter what you do you're going to eventually die so it doesn't really matter

  • littleDealFish on 01/07/2017 - 08:02

    There is no reason to feel guilty.

    Instead be grateful (I mean that in a nice and loving way), use the money wisely - an excellent suggestion to spend on a mortgage - why pay interest to a bank when the money could be kept in your family/given to charity.

    I have a feeling your Dad would like to help in his own way - does it matter if it is money? I feel like material items like that have far less value to us the older we get - perhaps he wants to see it bring some happiness to his children rather than it be kept in a bank. Numbers mean nothing when you are dead :)

  • paul11 on 01/07/2017 - 08:38

    How do I politely turn them down? The true reason is I don’t need their money and don’t want it but I can’t think of a nice way to say it. It’s a really lovely thing to do and I don’t want to sound rude or ungrateful – I want to keep making it on my own.

    Well, I think they will feel more than happy if you say "Mom/Dad, Thank you so much but, I don't need anymore right now, I am okay" …something like this, in even more humble way.

    I think they will feel proud of you rather than feeling bad because you said "no". The reason is that they will feel that their son is self reliant, well settled financially, has got enough of his own. Many parents unfortunately never see this day in their lives. i.e. seeing their kids getting well settled enough, to say no to any kind of money/financial help.

    They can ofcourse make you the legal heir through their will anyway.

  • Matslurpee on 01/07/2017 - 10:06

    Your parents aren't going broke, they just want to reduce your burdens, IT IS WHAT THEY WANT.
    You saying they should go spend their money is what YOU want.

    How's this for an idea; Accept their gift, reduce your financial burden, and if you don't have kids yet, get started, grandchildren are the best gift you can give to your parents, much better than a trip around the world.
    If you do have kids, accept their gift for the sake of your children, put aside your pride(yes, that's what this is all really about).

  • orly on 01/07/2017 - 11:12

    It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this situation. Just talk it out with the old man and explain that you don't want to appear ungrateful but would like to be able to stand on your own feet. The old man may have his own reasons as to why he would like to pass on part of his inheritance now. You could consider setting the funds aside for your children's education instead so in a sense, his gift would be towards the grandkids and setting them up.

  • pjgirl on 01/07/2017 - 11:17

    If your folks are giving this "gift" to reduce the means test / asset test for them to be eligible to receive a pension then sorry but the pension is there for the less fortunate not those that can afford to live on what they already have. Govt getting tighter with these so called gift".

  • Bunnyburger on 01/07/2017 - 12:26

    Just take it, make good use of it. And make them proud of what you've done with it!

  • [Deactivated] on 01/07/2017 - 12:28

    "I wanna make it on my own" LOL………

    I wanna make it better with more money :)

  • tfanisman on 01/07/2017 - 12:44
    +2

    Smit, take the money and purchase a small unit, rent it out as a holiday resort near the beach, use it yourself when you need to get away, also offer it to you dad when he needs to get away… Another investment that will grow over time that can be used as collateral.. take the cash if they don't need it, else the govt will…

    • Davo1111 on 01/07/2017 - 15:17

      Tbh if anything OPs parents should do the purchase.

  • Davo1111 on 01/07/2017 - 15:16

    Give it time me, I'll look after it.

    Jokes aside, just reword your last paragraph. Say you love them and you want them to enjoy it - the fruits of their labor

  • matt-ozb on 01/07/2017 - 15:24

    Your parents will feel great by helping you, so just let them help you and let them be happy.

    If I was parent, I would rather give my excess money to you, rather than watching you contribute to the billions of dollars of banking profits.

    Anyway, it's not your money so not your choice really.

  • [Deactivated] on 01/07/2017 - 16:11

    I like the family trip idea a lot. BUT the reaction MIGHT be "wtf we haven't even handed over our hard earned money yet and you're already planning on frittering it away" you might end up looking ungrateful and poor managing money.

    Other idea is to take the money and keep it aside. So you always know you "made it on your own", but you have access in case of emergency or to pass it on to your own kids.

  • slipperyslippers on 01/07/2017 - 16:46

    " We don’t need any inheritance from our parents and it would not change our lives".
    Having the deposit paid on a house would be pretty life changing to most people. Why are you embarrassed to tell your friends that you've had a leg up in life?

  • myfuturej on 01/07/2017 - 17:46

    Can your parents adopt me? I'm easy to get along with and sometimes funny. I will listen to all their stories at dinner time and laugh at their jokes.

  • frostman on 01/07/2017 - 18:39
    +2

    Ask permission to book yourself, sister and them first class tickets overseas for a holiday, particularly as your mum is ill. This will be memorable and enjoyable. It will also be a good way of spending money.
    Tell them that taking a lump sum won't help motivate your goals to earn money and spend it, like Lotto, 99% of people who get a massive lump sum out of nowhere end up squabbling it somewhere to their detriment. Instead, perhaps they can set up a monthly small transfer which will help you.

  • Maltopia on 01/07/2017 - 18:57

    I haven't read all the posts, and someone may have already suggested this, but you could put the money away, and use it to help them in later years when they e.g., need to move into a retirement home, or pay for them to have a cruise later on when they have retired.

  • Mysterious Laptop on 01/07/2017 - 21:05

    Why do you have to be so ungrateful? Just take it since they're offering.

  • greatlamp on 02/07/2017 - 12:00

    If you tell them to keep it and spend it on themselves will they?

    Most likely they will continue to hoard it in a savings account. Their intention is for you to enjoy the money while you are still young enough to need it.

    I would take the money and find ways to improve their life, as they won't spend it themselves. Organise the renovation they need.
    Book the cruise they would never book themselves.

  • Peck on 02/07/2017 - 15:43

    Maybe they are trying to structure their finances to increase their Gov.t Pensions, however then they can only give away $10k per fin. year to a max of 30k over 5 years otherwise the money will still count as a fin. asset and will still reduce their pension.

  • pformag on 10/07/2017 - 15:05

    Take the money, and invest it/keep it for your children. Your parents are trying to be generous, and that is amazing. Don't take that away from them. When they pass away one day, you will still get the money in the end, so why make an issue of something that doesn't require an issue to be made?

  • singlemalt72 on 13/07/2017 - 08:58

    Tell them to take an extended overseas trip, or accept the money and buy them the trip so they then feel obligated to take it.

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