Parents want to give me some of my inheritance now – how do I politely say no?

I’m 33, my parents are in their mid-60s. Both good health although Mum is in remission for cancer. They have both worked hard and made smart investment decisions so live very comfortably but fairly simply. I don't know much about their assets other than that they are diverse and complicated.

My parents agreed with my sister and I that the one time in our lives they would help us out financially was when we bought our first home – they contributed some/most of the deposit. I’ve kept this very quiet amongst friends who grumble about housing affordability. My sister and I have learnt our parents acumen for life and both have good jobs, are paying off our mortgages diligently and live fairly comfortably. We don’t need any inheritance from our parents and it would not change our lives much. I think they should be out there spending their money and enjoying their lives – its their money, no one else’s. I am not sitting around waiting for my payday.

My Dad just contacted me out of the blue saying he is reviewing his finances, legal documentation (he is very diligent with record keeping and having affairs in order) and has realised that my sister and I could use money more than they could so wants to give me a tax free gift towards my mortgage. It would reduce my mortgage by about 20%.

The thing is, I already feel guilty about the deposit gift and the easy ride I’ve had into home ownership. I’m quite proud that I’ve been maintaining the mortgage for years by myself and will never ask them for money whatever happens in the future. I don’t want to feel like I’m forever indebted to them and never really stood on my own two feet because they are always there propping me up. If I had kids I would happily pay for their wedding and provide them with a financial gift towards their first house deposit as a wedding present but I would expect them to make it on their own otherwise and certainly wouldn’t be loaning them money if they ran out of money while on backpacking on holidays etc.

How do I politely turn them down? The true reason is I don’t need their money and don’t want it but I can’t think of a nice way to say it. It’s a really lovely thing to do and I don’t want to sound rude or ungrateful – I want to keep making it on my own.

Comments

  •  

    If they insist, why don't you accept it and put into your offset account. Calculate the interest you saved on mortgage, and use the money to get them something to make them happy (e.g new furniture, finance their trip, new car for them etc etc.), take it as their investment in you.

    I am sure the money you saved from mortgage interest will be more than what they get from FD. And if they need the money again, you can just take it out from the offset account.

  •  

    Listen to the last two lines of this song
    https://youtu.be/yCH7bEbc1Ns

  • +1 vote

    I think you are trying to avoid the unavoidable. At some point you will have to get the inheritance like it or not.

  •  

    You could take the money, and then the interest that would have accrued against that money, pay it back yearly to your parents ? Surely it would be better to keep some money within the family than to the bank. Eventually with houses prices going the way they are, it would be more of a benefit to have a more asain mentality (spreading wealth within family so overall family = Win) vs western mentality (you are on your own.)

    •  

      Be careful what you wish for.

      The "Asian mentality" also involves living with and obeying parents for the rest of their lives, and having your parents raise your kids* If you're with mail sibling(s), don't expect much support either.

      *It's a little more complicated than that, I know.

      • +1 vote

        traditionally yes, but depends if the whole family is here or not. alot of times parents stay in their home country and just send money overseas to their kids which is a good investment for the parents. if I did have to live with my inlaws over here, I would probably knock down my existing house and build two town houses. one for me and one for them. yes, I do have asian inlaws. ha, they dont understand me and I dont understand them half the time so all good :)

        •  

          Similar situation here; asian in-laws overseas, we don't understand each other most of the time, and it's all good :)
          I've seen how my wife's cousins live, and don't envy them at all.

      •  

        what is wrong in living with the parents? about obeying, I am sure that's only for your own good. isn't it?

        •  

          trolling or serious question?

        •  

          The problem usually stems from kids wanting to do what they want when they want without the consequences when living with the parents.

        •  

          You can't do the horizontal tango in the kitchen for starters.

        •  

          @idonotknowwhy: that was on a serious note and I know this could trigger a totally different argument/discussion. But, I thought this was important specially at a time when we are already becoming zombies/robots thanks to the technology where people are relaying more on virtual (on social media) relationships than the actual ones.

  •  

    It sounds like they would like to see the benefit of the inheritance before they pass away.
    If they die you would have no problem accepting the money, but because they are alive it makes you feel awkward?

  • +1 vote

    “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” Mark Twain

  •  

    If you can, keep it in a separate account and use it to offset the interest on your mortgage.

    Later on, if circumstances change and they do need the money you can also use it to help them out - e.g. hospital expenses.

    As others have said, there may be a financial reason for offloading the inheritance now, which would benefit them in the long run.

    Just treat it as them parking the money in your bank account.

  •  

    You're heart seems to be getting in the way of your head. Begrudgingly take the money and put it on the mortgage. Why pay more interest than you could?! The money is still there if they need the money back for whatevers.

  • +5 votes

    Accept their gift gratefully - as there is nothing wrong with family members sharing with other family members in their good fortune. If it was the other way around - and you needed the money because you lost your job and faced many years of unemployment because it was very hard to find another similar job - would you say No! to that financial assistance? People who have faced the upheaval that comes with cancer - realise that life is precious and no one can predict when your time is up. Sometimes this makes the idea of passing on to family - to experience gratitude - all that more necessary. You have been brought up with a strong work ethic and it is because of this and the fact that you aren't needy and asking for money - that they willingly want to gift money to you. It could also be a timing thing that your father has crunched the numbers and giving away money now allows them to do it outside the 5 year period; and also keeps their assets within the range so that they could still get a small part pension and the all very useful pension card for medical prescriptions given that your mother is likely to need a lot more medication as time goes on. So have you considered that you turning them down - might not be the situation that they expected/worked out or is helpful to their long term plans….. This could be an important lesson for you to learn - how to accept graciously!

  •  

    If you do not need the money then consider giving it to a worthy charity- there are many people out there who even a simple meal makes a huge difference.

  •  

    Any advice on how to transfer inheritance or "family loan" from overseas to Australia?

  • +1 vote

    accept their gift and put the extra money into offset and leave it there. Should they need the money to in the future, use it!

  •  

    You'll end up with it eventually, why not just take some now given they have offered, it's better used paying off your mortgage then sitting in their low interest bank account.

  • +1 vote

    Geez man, definitely tough situation. Just politely tell them "no thanks, but I have a friend who definitely need some money right now", and then give them my number.
    When the bank finally screw you up and you need some money to cover your mortgage, just email me and I will return some back to you.

    •  

      That is so extremely thoughtful of you.

      •  

        thank you for noticing. It hurts me to see people find themselves in this shitty situation.

  •  

    Receive their gift toward your existing mortgage and express your gratitude to them. Then give them your monthly mortgage payment as a gift to them (you can buy them a nice holiday package -or packages- with that money).

  •  

    Perhaps the 'gift' isn't so much a gift but a way for your father to pay less tax or avoid some other liability. Perhaps you should have a conversation for the real reasons for it.

    If giving you money means he saves significant amounts of money, then it's a win win :)

  •  

    let them transfer you the cash, then transfer it straight back into their account. done.

  • +1 vote

    You may want to consider the taxation implications of receiving your "inheritance" now or later.

    I do know that money inherited from a super fund from a deceased family member is taxed at the recipients marginal rate..

  •  

    my parents did the same thing and i had the same feeling.. but i took there money and every now and then i gifted it back to them.. like mums bday, dads bday and their anniversary..
    and then i had an opportunity to help them in bulk where my brother was harassing them for more money…

    as long as you keep you intentions clear, you should be good.
    Also, if its a huge amount then take half of it now and tell them you will take the rest later.. or something like that.

    also you can plan a trip for them etc etc

  • +1 vote

    Your parents are going to love you exactly the same whether you take it or not.. And they will not think of you any differently at all if u take it or not…..

    So i dont know whats the problem…
    Take the damn money! Wtf…
    U sound like if you won lotto.. You would kindly and graciously turn it down because you want to make it on your own in the world…

    Just weird.. Take the money…
    Do u think if u took it.. They are going to turn to eachother and say 'omg, he actually took it,just like that, are you serious"?
    They dont care… If anything u will make them feel slightly worse for not taking it.
    Your odd…

  • +2 votes

    Your parents are very smart, because, if you are still paying your mortgage, what they give you, is in effect double that.
    In the end, you probably will get it anyway. So, respect your parents, and accept it.

  • +1 vote

    Just do what I did, take the money and never talk to your parents again

  •  

    The greatness is not what you have but what you give. Learn to accept with grace.

  •  

    I gave up reading posts, Very interesting.

    My apologies if already suggested.

    With the money/monies form a trust for the family. Build in all safeguards to protect the money for the blood lines.
    Build in fair use of the funds, schooling, health love and all ather inportant thinks.
    Find a way to invest the funds to grow., and plan for 7/9 generations.

    You know we have no control over the gifts life gives us so build a safety net of money as well as love.

    Mum and Dad may like that result better and you may also.

  •  

    Tell them that you're doing okay and would rather they enjoyed their money while they're young enough to. Also that you're happy to take what's left when they go but that you don't want them to miss out while they're around and the loss of them is much bigger than any gain you'll get from the cash.

    Tell them there are tax implications for you if they give you a large gift.

    One thing to note: They may be concerned about it going to a retirement village or the like if they don't give it to you now. If so start making "just in case" plans with them that mean the money doesn't all get eaten up in aged care - at least try to maximize what they don't have to hand over.

  •  

    The most important thing to do right now is not about money.
    It's about health, especially for your mum.

    1) Look into medical cannibis and hemp CBD cannabidiol oils and learn about how it is currently being used for cancer treatments. PM me and I can point you to some of the latest information.

    2) Accept the money. This is how the people build up their wealth through generations. If you think you don't need it right now, think of it as saving it for your kids one day if you don't have them already.

  • +1 vote

    I think u should tell ur parents that they should put it in a trust fund for their future grandson /daughter. That way your not receiving it but also they won't feel offended as it's for family

    •  

      This is a really good idea.

  •  

    Accept their gift, invest it wisely for them (low risk probably preferable). Give it back to them when they need it.

    •  

      this is ozb so time to spend it on high yielding investment which is an $80k car.

  • +3 votes

    Lot of soft responses here.
    I'll give you something a little different.

    Asking others, who don't know you or your parents, how to "politely turn them down" is really quite ludicrous.
    Oh the angst!! Give me a break…

    But a word of advice - things change, and can change unexpectedly, and rapidly.
    Your folks might lose their marbles, or suffer a brain injury, but just before they do, or while they're doing it, they sign a new Will, Administration/Guardianship forms, and suddenly you're nowhere, and they're lost.

    This happens all the time.
    All. The. Time.

    Take the money, or don't - but if you do, it will put you in a position to assist them if they lose everything, including through a scam.
    And, you know, spare us all your emotional ructions.
    Imagine some homeless dude reading what you've written…

  •  

    You refused to taxed money. You should not be on Ozbargain!

    I kid, of course. No one could take wealth to the next life so I think you should take it and deal with it on your parents' behalf.

  • +2 votes

    OP you said your father is pretty canny with his financial affairs so I would suspect getting rid of some cash might have something to do with pension eligibility requirements or for tax purposes? You might even be doing them a disservice by not taking it.

    Just take it and sit on it and either give it back to them over time (hey dad I bought you a new briefcase for your birthday oh what how did all that money get in there?) or in bulk if they need it down the road.

  • -1 vote

    Next up on /r/humblebrag "my parents want to give me a Ferrari but I already have a Porsche and a Lamborghini in the garage and I can only fit twelve"

    • -1 vote

      my parents only got me a helicopter but i wanted a learjet. FML

      filthyrichproblems

    • -1 vote

      Next up on /r/humblebrag…

      Oh man! That is so on the money!
      Thank you for crystallising what's going on there.

      Psych's would have a field day with what he's written.

  • +2 votes

    Slightly different perspective here due to my line of work so take it or leave it, but I think you should take the money. This applies to everyone with elderly parents.

    One parent will ultimately reach the end of their life due to old age, leaving the other in the home they worked their whole lives to pay for. As they grow older, they may become frail, injured, or break something, or something will happen that will mean they can't live independently anymore and may need to go into care. No one wants this to happen, and everyone says they will keep their parents at home and never send their parent into care, but there are many situations in which it is simply too dangerous for them to remain at home alone, and caring for them is a literal, 24 hour a day job. This 24 hour a day job requires multiple caregivers, and cannot be done by one or two family members. Inevitably when they try they burn out, develop carer stress and a lot of guilt.

    So when the parent does end up requiring to go to a nursing home, they are then required to sell the house they live in in order to pay a bond to go into that home. The fees for that nursing home are collected from that bond, with an entry and exit fee (not unlike what you're seeing in the news but a little bit kinder because it's government regulated). So everything that they worked for gets eaten up in these fees. When they die the nursing home has taken a huge proportion of the fees with not much left to pass on. Parents usually know this is on the cards and start gifting money to their kids in their older age or when there are threats to their health. The only other options are living with them and applying to be their carer, in which case if they need to go into a nursing home the house wont get sold, or, selling the house and renting and going on the aged pension and when you go into a nursing home the home takes something like 85% of that pension.

    If it were me, I would take the money and either use it to really drive down the mortgage or put it in a fund for my parents health or my kids future. The idea is to build as much money as you can to pass through to the next generation without it getting eaten up in health-related expenses. The more you can put away your parents money, the better. They are going to need your help in old age, or whether that's done with your time, or with the money they've given you is up to you. You don't have to go on a spending spree, just put it away for that rainy day when they need you. Thank them with all your heart, tell them it's really helped you. If it were my daughter (who I would give every last cent and the clothes on my back for), that's what I'd like to hear.

    •  

      So when the parent does end up requiring to go to a nursing home, they are then required to sell the house they live in in order to pay a bond to go into that home.

      If that's their only asset, then generally yes, unless they borrow on it.

      Bonds can vary - generally up to $400k for a decent place, but especially luxurious places can be $1 million+

      Once they drop dead, they get their bond back, but the Residential Care outfit keeps the earnings. I think that's how it generally works.

      Retirement villages are totally different - they're a legal scam.

      • +1 vote

        They get bond back minus fees - specialist visits, imaging, other costs.

    •  

      I can tell you now Miss G, I will never, ever, ever put my parents into a nursing home.

      My great-grandmother was put into a nursing home, she died when I was around 10. The experience of visiting her each weekend, left me scared, and every time I think of that so called nursing home she was in, it fills me with absolute horror.

      I am well and truly past the age of 10 now, but I wouldn't put a four pawed animal into one of those institutions. (I honestly hope things have changed in 2017 - but judging on the latest articles in newspapers - I think not!)

      •  

        Your reaction is understandable, but totally misinformed.

        The recent media is about Retirement Villages - in particular those run by the company Aveo. They are not about 'Nursing Homes', which are now called Residential Care (High care). What used to be called 'Hostels' are now called Residential Care (Low care).

        The Residential Care sector is highly regulated, however there are some lousy operations, and some really really good ones. The trick is to do your research well before the time comes - check them out, and get on their waiting list. What often happens is folk like you don't plan - "i will never" kind of prejudice is settled - and then when things become too much (by which i mean they are totally failing their parents) they get shunted into a Residential Care place without any research and only where there's an immediate vacancy. I consider that approach a complete failure on the part of the son/daughter involved - they are doing their folks no favours at all.

        I've seen some pretty good Residential Care places. I mean really good, with awesome facilities and dedicated trained staff. I've seen some that are claustrophobic, and some very open. Some have some pretty well organised activities, but of course you're dealing with a cohort of old folk - some will die off as time goes on.

        When it comes to two alternatives: (a) a well-resourced residential care place with registered nurses and regular medicos and social activities (both organised and by simply being in the company of others), or (b) stuck at home with nothing to see or do while enduring the indignity of an untrained son/daughter wiping my bum, i sure know what i'd prefer.

        Stop spreading misinformation - your observations of one place, many years ago when a different regulatory environment operated, when you were 10, isn't really worth much is it? I mean, the observations of a 10 year old!! Come on, give us all a break. Your post is an (i'll concede unintended) insult to many people who work diligently in that sector.

        •  

          Angrychicken, I don't really appreciate your tone or the flippancy of your response. Clearly, I remember it, because 35 years later it still fills me with with feelings of horror, sadness and pity that she was relegated to such a place.

          I'm pleased you've seen some pretty good residential care places, go for your life when your time comes.

          Frankly, I can't imagine anything worse than being shoved into a facility where I have no privacy, independence, autonomy or control over my own life. I don't want that for my parents either.

          As for my post being an unintended insult to the people who diligently work in the aged care sector - I wasn't discussing them. I was discussing my experience and the reason I'd never, put my parents into an aged care facility of any description.

          Having had friends who worked in aged care funding only a decade or so ago, these types of establishments still exist.

          My great uncle died in a nursing home only a few years ago on the lower north shore,(a supposedly 'well run' establishment) That too left a sour taste in my mouth. Elderly people spoken to and treated as if they were 3 years, with food served up, that was a bland mush of nothing.

          As for being stuck at home and bored out of your brain - well I guess it depends on how you employ your time! I guess if you enjoy yourself and your own company that isn't going to be so much of an issue.

          Notwithstanding this, for many individuals leaving the family home and being moved, coerced, or voluntarily deciding to leave the family home can cause extreme anguish, and emotional distress for some individuals. It's also cheaper, and for many people they have a better quality of life by being able to stay in their own home.

          However, it takes far greater effort and organization and possibly money (it might mean actually having to dip into my own money) to ensure that elderly relatives are cared for, and provided socialisation opportunities on a daily basis if they are cared for in the family home, rather than an aged care institution.

          To really get, and understand how I feel about aged care facilities - please, read Cloud Atlas, by David Mitchell.

          Basically you become old, and you become invisible to society. I might add since reading the book, I make a pointed effort to smile and have a few kind words with elderly people when the opportunity presents itself. The book had a lasting impact around my views of old age.

        • +1 vote

          @poppit88:

          I will never, ever, ever put my parents into a nursing home.

          Maybe you should talk to them about it given it's their lives you seem to by playing with there.

          You may well find me flippant, but your post disclosed a lack of knowledge, for example the distinction between Retirement Villages and Residential Care. An account of a memory as a 10 yo is of little import when it comes to these arguments. It may well have had a big impact on you, but i personally don't care. Yes, a lack of empathy on my part there, but i've only got so much to give.

          What i do care about - and it's now that my empathetic dimension is kicking in - is delusional uninformed people making broad baseless emotional assertions that can contribute to a culture of fear about Residential Care. That can be very damaging to outcomes for very vulnerable people.

          Yes, some really lousy outfits still exist - i did say folk need to do their research.

          Aren't we off-topic?

        •  

          @AngryChicken:

          Maybe you should stop being such a troll, you're inability to show empathy or sympathy doesn't paint you in a particularly favorable light.

          Frankly, you're a complete stranger. I owe you no justification for my stance, and I don't know you from a bar of soap.

          Whilst I don't have to explain myself to you or anyone else, my family and I have had numerous conversations regarding these matters. They respect my opinion, and I theirs.

          My views reflect the unconditional love I have for my parents, and they for us. You know absolutely nothing of our lives and when I think of all the things my parents sacrificed to give us an education and a roof over our heads, I hardly think my stance on ensuring our parents maintain dignity and a quality of life in their final years, is a delusional or uninformed baseless assertion.

          Your initial post contended that residential care had improved far and beyond that of my own experience, of my relatives who have since departed this world, yet you are now telling me that 'some really lousy outfits still exist, and I did say folk need to do their research.'

          Again, I don't appreciate your patronising tone. I'm well aware of the difference between a retirement village and residential care. Having worked in real estate, Retirement Villages and Residential Care are like chalk and cheese.

          Frankly, retirement villages(based on current news articles) suggest they border almost on unconscionable conduct and outright fraud.

          One sets up a contract that appears to be totally disadvantageous to the retiree seeking accommodation. The other funded with a modicum of morality and law of contract.

          And indeed, the conversation has become completely off topic. But is that not the way of a conversation. It moves from one subject to the next.

        •  

          @poppit88:

          Oh damn, you've got me scoped.
          I am indeed a hollow, loveless barren soul with no empathy for my fellow man.

          OK, all these family members of yours that have had all these problems.
          Obviously your family isn't very good at looking after each other.
          A lot of love, which is just super btw, but just not very good at looking after each other.

          You work in real estate.
          OK, and i'm the one with no soul.
          Got it.

          You sound like one of these old ducks at a lamington drive - "i don't appreciate your patronising tone!". I know what's next - "don't take that tone with me!". Please practice it as delivery is everything.

          Anyway, i'm not writing for you. Screw and your incompetent clan. It's for other folk that read this.

          "All this she must possess," added Darcy, "and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive research on the topic of Residential Care".

        •  

          @AngryChicken:

          OMG! Just go away…..

          Although I'm a little vexed (and almost impressed) that you can quote Pride and Prejudice back at me! You've either read the book, or are a dab hand with google!

          I might add, I not incompetent, nor are my family.

          And I can tell you, I have a soul and a moral compass, because otherwise I'd still be working in real estate!

          Seriously now, just move on!

        •  

          @poppit88:

          My apologies for my rudeness.
          Please forgive me.
          I wish you and all the other poppits well.
          BTW i love Lamingtons.

          Years ago i was at a house with a bunch of chicks - about 5 or so, all of them professionals. One of them later threw herself at me with wanton abandon, and who could blame her. Anyway, they were watching P&P on video and one of them said something like "Oh AngryChicken wouldn't know anything about this". Yeah well, they changed their tune as i started reciting the dialog before it came out off the video. That's right, that's how good i can be.

          Vexed.
          Nice.

      • +1 vote

        Poppit it's really normal to have that reaction to nursing homes - most people do. As Angry Chicken said they're a lot different now, they're very regulated and while nowhere is perfect, they are filled with staff who really care about their residents.

        My point of my post though was that you never know what is going to happen in life. Everyone wants their parent to stay at home until their last breath, no one goes dancing happily to residential care - but there does come a time in some peoples lives, not everyone's, but some, where it is simply to unsafe for them to remain at home. I wont give examples because they're often a bit sad and pointless to contemplate unless it does happen.

        I have had countless families like you, say they will never ever - but in some people's lives it does come to that. We are living longer, living better, but there are some scenarios from which there is no other alternative in spite of our best efforts. My whole point for the OP was that, take the money, you don't know what is going to happen, you can put it away for your parents care. I suspect the OP's father knows how much things can change, this which is why he's started gifting.

        •  

          I suspect the OP's father knows how much things can change, this which is why he's started gifting.

          Yes, sometimes there's a good case for gifting early, especially if there's plenty of money around, by which i mean more than they'll ever need to do what they'll want to do.

          But you know - i find the OPs post rather strange. Seems like an opus on how wonderful and self-less and self-made they are…

        •  

          Thanks MissG, along with the empathy in your post and your kind words.

          I know what you say is right, and I agree totally with your point with the OP's scenario.

          I really hope, that I've been dealt a deck of cards from the gods, that don't force me into ever making that decision.

          Clearly, it was distressing as a child. Because I still remember it. What I remember most though was the smell, and the stench of death that surrounded the entire place she lived at. And this awful argument because my father wanted to take her for a walk around the garden and some nurse said, no - it'll excite her and she won't sleep for the night. And I just remember her being out of it and pumped up on drugs to keep her quiet.

        •  

          Thanks MissG, along with the empathy in your post and your kind words.

          I know what you say is right, and I agree totally with your point with the OP's scenario.

          I really hope, that I've been dealt a deck of cards from the gods, that don't force me into ever making that decision.

          Clearly, it was distressing as a child. Because I still remember it. What I remember most though was the smell, and the stench of death that surrounded the entire place she lived at. And this awful argument because my father wanted to take her for a walk around the garden and some nurse said, no - it'll excite her and she won't sleep for the night. And I just remember her being out of it and pumped up on drugs to keep her quiet.

        •  

          @AngryChicken:

          Maybe he's just a nice person. Loves his parents, and is a person who wants to do the right thing by them.

          Having someone start a post, for advice because they want to do the right thing, kind of shows they aren't morally bankrupted.

        • +1 vote

          @AngryChicken: Maybe it is just that. I don't know, I will never be in the OP's situation, he sounds very lucky but not quite understanding of how much his parents want to see him happy while they're still alive.

        • +2 votes

          @poppit88: My Mum was a nurse who worked in nursing homes. After school I would go and wait for her there and hang out with the oldies. I remember that smell well but can happily report now that's not the case. And oversedating people was the case for a world with no experience in geriatric medicine. Fast forward a couple of decade and we now have very defined protocols around when sedation is and isn't appropriately (basically if someone is at significant risk of harming themselves or someone else) and everyone really tries non-medication methods to keep dementia patients calm. It really is a lot better now (although at the expense of the mental health of many, many nurses and caregivers within facilities which remain chronically understaffed). I hope you never have to as well, but just know that if it ever came to that, it wont be anything like what your poor grandmother experienced and I'm sorry you had to see that as such a young child.

        •  

          @MissG:

          Yeah, the sedation.

          The lousy outfits will use it as a tool of management, which is improper.

          But sometimes it's required, but it's got to be carefully dosed. If you have a demented violent individual, then that can be very good for them (and staff), but not too much lest they lie down and sleep all day and acquire bedsores. Something as simple as a bedsore infection can kill you depending on what else is going on with them.

          Loved the chat, but i'm out.
          Cheers.

        • +1 vote

          @AngryChicken: I think if open pressure areas are developing from oversedatiion at management's direction, they need to be reported to AHPRA.

        •  

          @MissG:

          MissG. Thank you for that. Your post gives me a quiet confidence and optimism for the future of senior people requiring care into the future. I think you know exactly where I'm coming from, based on my own past experiences.

          And you shouldn't be sorry for what happened to my great-grandmother and uncle. You did nothing to contribute to their situation. It's just left a very indelible mark on my mind.

          :-)

        •  

          @AngryChicken:

          Well, yes - lets not get started on the bedsores and other torturous moments she and my uncle endured.

          You're - out? Very well indeed. I am most pleased.

          As, Miss Bennett, said to Mr Wickham, "Go, go. I would not wish you back."

  • +1 vote

    Your parents are going to be disappointed if you did not accept what they wanted to give. Take it and put the money aside and give them back if they need them in future. Life is full of uncertainty. you may never know they might need them back especially when they are old. Or take it and setup a foundation in their names to help children with additional needs. Give yourself a good Karma.

  • -1 vote

    Donate it to charity, problem solved.

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    Say i love you, lifes short, im doing more than fine, youve helped more than enough, you and mum should use any extra funds you have to enjoy retirement.

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    Thanks but no thanks :)

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    accept the money graciously and keep it aside for them in your offset account. use it to spend on them.

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    Yeah definitely don't take it, good on you.

    On an unrelated note, do your parents want more kids?

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    Sounds like you're a really good son/daughter
    I say don't beat around the bush, just be honest and let him know your thoughts
    The more you sidestep the truth the more awkward it gets from what I've seen

    They want to help you out but you want to do well for yourself

    They feel happier giving you the money
    and you feel happier not getting the money

    So the best thing in the end is for them to put the money in a safe investment like bonds or something and one day it'll come to you in the distant future

  •  

    Haven’t read most of the replies. I just want to say a few short points.

    1. I’m in the same position as you (comfortable parents, aided me buying a house and helped set me up), barring only the early inheritance offer.

    2. I have the same views as you, wishing they’d make their years count with the cash. No desire to see that money from them.

    3. Now that I’m a parent, I can see it from your parents’ perspective too. My bucket list includes setting my children up, not having them bust their ass on a mortgage and have more time with their children instead. If they want to see that ticked off before they die, let them have that. Accept it

    Edit; I also like MissG’s post. Perhaps let it offset your mortgage in the meantime?

  •  

    If they're anything like my parents and money they'll insist on helping you financially with this like mortgage and call you an idiot (ok maybe not super seriously, but it's not in a good way) for "it's common sense to reduce your interest! Why not?!".

    And no matter what they say about not needing the money and helping, it still gets counted as a favour.

    I have heard very few good stories from friends and acquaintances about agreements and gifts where the parents have contributed large amounts (also typically around housing actually). It just sits there in the background as a factor. I genuinely felt it was easier mentally when I returned all my parents money they had contributed when I first got my home loan, even though I didn't need it to begin with to get the place.

  • +1 vote

    Just accept it and if one day they need help you just help them out. Money is very fungible and when it comes to your parents budgets are very long term. Them helping you now and you helping them 10 years from now if they need it, what the hell difference does it make. Don't overcomplicate it and just try to invest the savings to your mortgage their gift has given to your budget.

  •  

    I'm in the same position you were. Mom wanted to not spend her money so she can later let me have it. Told her not to be stupid and to enjoy her life.. she told me it's going to be mine sooner or later and why not sooner, and I told her, you better not be dying anytime focking soon so the way I see it, you will have time to use all the money.

  •  

    I would have taken the money…paid the house first and then returned the money back to parents. Why should i pay interest to banks when i can save that as well.

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    You should take it on the condition they promise to take the full sum back in the future once you've paid off your home, with interest (considerably less than the loan rate).

    I think not taking it is going to cost you both more (combined) in the long run than if you just took it, so working out a arrangement where you aren't just given money is probably going to work out better for you.

  •  

    You shouldn't feel guilty. My mother particularly recently said to me, I'd rather give you things now, so I can see you enjoy it. You'll get it when we're dead one day - and we'll have none of the joy or happiness, in seeing your happiness. That's true giving.

    Although my parents won't or don't want to sell anything or do anything, because they (well my father particularly) thinks that by selling or moving or freeing up their own capital they are going to some how jepordise our financial future, and that we are going to be without in our latter years…. it's a long story, and I won't bore you with the full details.

    Soooo - In my case, I've started taking matters into my own hands in the last few years. I'm taking my mum overseas again later in the year, and when she said I can't let pay for me again, my answer was - "Yes, you can!" I'm spending my inheritance now with my own money - on you, because you're too to careful, worried, and basically tight - to spend it on yourself. It makes me cry, when I think of how much my parents have scrimped, saved and gone without that they would even think like this.

    Perhaps accept the money, and have it as a 'mortgage' on paper - that way they can always get or ask for the money back if they need it.

    I think parents love us unconditionally.

    And, really, you're not 'taking' anything, if you're always prepared in the back of your mind to have your parents back 100% and return those funds if they required them financially.

    Just comments for thought.

  •  

    Just tell them they need the money more than you do. They're at a stage in their life where time is shorter, and they need to use that money to live as comfortably as they can into old age. You've got plenty of time to save up and don't need to worry about it yet.

    Life is short. You need to live it to the fullest, especially at that age. You don't want to save money, money that you can't take with you. If your kids need it, fair enough, but you don't look like you do, so just tell them that. It's better they spend it on themselves instead of you. Money spent can be re-earned. But wasted years living more difficult than you would if you spent it on a bit of luxury isn't something you can change or get back. Use their money to live in a way that can prolong their life as long as possible.

    I'm splashing money on my folks, and they don't want it. They get angry that I'm 'wasting' it on them. But I see it differently. Money is something you can make back later. Your time here isn't. If I don't do everything I can to give my folks the best life possible, I will never forgive myself for not doing everything I could for them.

    In your case, it's not even about spending money on them, it's about convincing them to spend theirs on themselves. My principle still applies, but you're in a better off situation than I am.

  •  

    I've PM'd you my bank account number!

  • +1 vote

    You should say "thank you for being responsible and looking after your children"
    The amount of money they are giving you would be way less then the amount they spent on raising you and your education

    I wish my parents were as smart as yours

  •  

    Am your age now but as a parent I can think of nothing that makes me happier than helping my kids, even though they are all still very young. 3 all sub 4 years of age. But if they were older, our age now, helping them with something as significant as their mortgage would be an immense thing. Knowing that I have made their life that 20% easier in the long run. Which in turn would make it easier on them with their kids, if and when they have any.

    Why refuse? I get perhaps pride etc, making it on your own which is great, but look at this as a way to set up your kids before they even arrive. Is their any way you could use that 20% to get another investment property? Something perhaps in a self managed super fund? I am not up on the best way of doing it but the point I am making is instead of looking at this gift as helping you, think of it them as helping their grand kids.

    Just my 2 cents anyway…

  • +1 vote

    This might be because of the Superannuation changes coming on 1 July.

    I would take it, as it benefits them as well to avoid the tax man.

    Edit: set up a university fund for your future kids?

    I have a bank account for each child do when they turn 18 they have a large chunk of their own house deposit or HECS uni fee payment. They helped you buy a house, this could be your help to your own kids in the future.

  •  

    Another not so great topic has reached the hot topics section.
    You really couldn't think of anything to say that was polite?
    You can write a huge ask description to type on a forum but when it comes to declining money you can't think of anything polite.

  •  

    tell them it's probably not a good idea at this point in your life as you've started experimenting with heroin maybe?

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    Helping out you and your sister is probably something that's going to make them happy. Like someone else suggested, why don't you accept the money, and keep it in offset without spending it? You could then tell them you're just holding onto it for them, which might make them happy enough.

    If you parents were struggling, I'd say reject it. If they're comfortable and want to help you, maybe you should consider it again.

  •  

    Considering they're calling this an 'early inheritance', the money has likely been put aside for you and will never be spent regardless. They just want to see you enjoy part of your inheritance and not wait until they are gone.

    After accepting the money and giving appropriate thanks, place it in a separate account and leave it be. You can still 'make it on your own' and your parents get their wish. You could even consider it a 'parent fund', and dedicate it to doing nice things for/with your parents.

  •  

    better investing it now than in 20 years. Could be worth 10x as much in 20 years quite easily.

  •  

    Accept the money - you're parents are trying to pass on their goodwill and reward you for making good choices in your life. Put it against your mortgage and this will assist you to do the same for your children if you have them in the future!

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    accept the offer and buy us some eneloops!

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    Sometimes, accepting parents' love shows how much you love them.

    Accept the gift, use the money to do things that would make them happy.

  •  

    I'm in the same situation as you at the moment. My parents were really good in savings when they were young and I never had any entertainment apart from sports back when I was in high school. No playstation or any sort of video games. I suck at video games now and know nothing about it. They saved all the money for my brother's education in Australia, and brother eventually supported some of my expenses while my parents paid for my tuition fee.

    After I was in my 1st job for 2 years, parents decided to set me up for life with a house. They paid for deposit (they found the right place too) initially and I very much refused to take it back then as I wanted to earn it myself then buy my first home. Eventually parents decided to pay for full amount and I again said no and you should use it to go wherever you want to go. Needless to say, they were sad that I rejected their offer and mom cried. They just said I'm always a child no matter how old I am and they just want to be helpful and relieve myself from having to live so frugally (on instant noodles alot) to pay off mortgage ASAP while making minimum wage. My house wasn't even top end, was just a high 300s small house being my borrowing capacity was so low on minimum wage.

    I never accepted their help regardless of what they said, but they transferred me their funds anyway. Although the funds are with me, I never mentally accepted it's mine. Instead, I read on how to invest to make them some return on the capital and now managing investments for them but told them to take the income and go buy whatever they want or tell me where they want to go and I'll happily arrange their tickets and accommodation.

    I'm in my 20s and I don't have many friends around my age, mostly 40s-60s because my conversation are too boring for people at my age. I also have to add I now have good employer and no longer on minimum wage, so I don't live the instant noodle life as much anymore to stop my parents from worrying about my health. I'm just very lucky and thankful of people I have met in my life and opportunities that presented to myself.

    This is how I can make good use of my parents' hardwork, unselfish and unconditional love. This is my suggestion and if you want to take the same path, do it to repay their offer and never think you're entitled to anything. Just thank your parents for their kindness and do them good in return is what I can say.

  •  

    Well done to your parents OP for raising you that well that you are in dilemma about something which many people won't refuse.

    Just look after them when they are old, that's all I can say :)

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    Take the money, pay off as much of your mortgage as possible, then enjoy yourself and look into how you can help others in a poorer situation than you that financially deserve it, whether that's through a charity or sponsoring a child or helping out friends, it's up to you, or dont and enjoy yourself and set your family up for the future

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    If you don't want to take it let them put it down as a deposit for their grandkids. At the rate housing costs are increasing you better start paying for your kids mortgage.

  •  

    I've been in a similar situation with my grandmother. Our side of the family spent years telling her that it was her money, that she & granddad (passed 22 years ago now) had earned it & that she should get out & enjoy it.
    Other members of the extended family haven't done as well in life though, and have needed a helping hand from time to time. Grandma is fair to a fault, and if my cousin needs a hand (as happened after one of her kids needed surgery), grandma insisted on the rest of us getting the same. I refused, but it just turned up in my account one day anyway.

    Tell them how you feel. Tell them you don't need it. But also consider if your sister could do with the hand more than you & are they just trying to be fair? At the end of the day, they just want the best for you, so you can politely & even insistently decline, but if they insist, thank them graciously, have them over for dinner a little more often & make sure to give them a good hug when you see them next.