Child Accused of Bullying...

RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 15:57

My child who's in middle school has been accused of bullying by the middle school coordinators yet again.

He was given a detention in term 1 for name calling and I was made aware of it too. He admitted to it and I talked to my child and talked some sense into him.

He was again accused of bullying in towards end of term 1 and he denied that incident. He was given one detention the very same day and was given two further detentions. He was accused of hitting someone in the change rooms with a plastic bag containing clothes. He said it was an accident as he was swinging the bag in front of him and when the other person passed by, it might have hit him. He also mentioned as some boys turned off the change room lights, it was pitch dark.

I went to the school to meet with the coordinators and they said that some other kids saw my child coming from the direction of the accuser and assumed that my son hit the boy. I argued that you can't punish someone on the basis of assumption. The other two detentions were subsequently cancelled.

They also mentioned that my child has a history of bullying other kids, which was a shock to me as he had never gotten into trouble in the junior school and I never got a single phone call regarding his behaviour.

Moreover, I told the coordinators that no matter what, my son wouldn't complain about small issues to them. That's just his nature.

This week again someone has complained that my son is calling them names and as usual my son is denying it. The coordinators are more than eager to punish my son without listening to his side of the story.

My son has told me that the other kid keeps staring at him regularly. But knowing my son, he will not go and complain.

The latest incident looks like again a case of one person's word against the other. He talked to the coordinators today but instead of hearing him out, they were intent on blaming him for the latest incident.

I don't know how to handle this situation as it is a matter of trust. My son owned up to his mistakes and as a result I fought for his right to be treated fairly.

Any advice in dealing with this is appreciated.

Education & Work

closed Comments

  • 87percent on 13/08/2019 - 16:10
    +8

    "He was accused of hitting someone in the change rooms with a plastic bag containing clothes"

    wtf… what sort of clothes was he carrying? a suit of armour?

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:20
      +3

      Just pe clothes.

  • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 16:10
    +26

    1. Your son has already admitted to calling someone names once - so there's precedent.

    2. I don't buy the excuse of "I was just swinging it and someone might have walked into it and I might have hit them I don't know" for one second - I was that kid once, and that sounds like an excuse I'd use, plus you definitely know if something you're swinging hits someone.

    3. Your son can't call people names just for staring at him. But if he told you that - pass that onto the coordinators and maybe they can watch out for both sides of this issue.

    4. There's a thin line between believing your son and undermining his authority figures in school - I don't have any answers about that, unfortunately because it's a very delicate balance.

    Ultimately though, whether your son is at fault or not, this points at deeper and wider issues between your son and other kids at his school. I feel you really need to sit him down and ask how he's doing, who his friends are (if he doesn't have many, that would be worrying) and figure out those deeper issues.

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:22
      -7

      Your son has already admitted to calling someone names once - so there's precedent.

      I think that's what they are going by.

      After the name calling incident in term 1 there hasn't been any until the one this this week.

      There's a thin line between believing your son and undermining his authority figures in school - I don't have any answers about that, unfortunately because it's a very delicate balance.

      Understand that completely. But it seems that whoever goes to them first is the victim and the other one is the perpetrator.

      • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 16:45
        +9

        After the name calling incident in term 1 there hasn't been any until the one this this week.

        Eh…. none that you're aware of - the other kids may not have reported each one, the teacher may not have reported each one, the coordinators may not have notified you of each one. Plus, the first name calling incident to the swinging clothes incident was from "in term 1" to "towards the end of term 1" - so not that far apart between these two.

        There's nothing wrong with being boisterous as a kid - I honestly think the school is making a big deal out of nothing (name-calling is big enough to tell parents now?) but you need to move away from thinking your kid's a saint too.

        • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 17:58

          have reported each one, the teacher may not have reported each one, the coordinators may not have notified you of each one

          I don't think the coordinators will miss out on telling me about anything concerning his behaviour.

          • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 18:34
            +4

            @RSmith: Don't fall into the trap of thinking the coordinators are somehow out to "get" your son. Your son is one of hundreds(?) of kids at the school. I'm not saying the coordinators are saints and not capable of this, I'm just saying they're way too busy to have the energy time or wherewithal to do something like this.

            Having said that, I don't know how things are like now, but when I was in school no one would ever run to a teacher about being called names - not in primary school, and certainly not in high school, so I'm leaning towards your son has some popularity/social issues at school too - which is why I suggested talking to him about them.

            He'll know a lot more about these than teachers or coordinators ever could.

            • ausmechkeyboards on 13/08/2019 - 19:07
              -7

              @HighAndDry:

              Your son is one of hundreds(?) of kids at the school. I'm not saying the coordinators are saints and not capable of this, I'm just saying they're way too busy to have the energy time or wherewithal to do something like this.

              It definitely happens. I was one of those people, so were some other people I knew.

              I was getting in trouble for things on days I didn’t even go to school. I’d have my parents called for not doing work in class - but when I’d pull out my book, with every page dated, and ask which work wasn’t done the teacher wouldn’t be able to answer.

              I can name a dozen of these incidents.

              The idea that teachers are “too busy” is nonsense. Teachers are mostly idiots and spending time with children all day puts you on their level.

              • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 19:09

                @ausmechkeyboards: Not saying it's impossible - but if a teacher wanted to mess with a kid they wouldn't make up stories where there'd be another victim/etc. That just unnecessarily complicates things and makes the lie harder to keep straight, if they were lying.

        • Kangal on 13/08/2019 - 18:30
          +2

          Yeah, I think there's issues with both the son and the father.

          With that said, I despise how we are evolving into wimps of a nanny state. When I was growing up, it was a right-of-passage to get insulted and dish some insults back yourself, deal with difficult peers, and the occasional lunch fight. I'm starting to realise that violence/punishment has some utility at a mild level. This change is even seeping into our Defence Force with instructors asking nicely permission before touching you, in order to check/test your webbing, and frequent Time Outs given during training intervals.

          • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 18:37
            +1

            @Kangal:

            When I was growing up, it was a right-of-passage to get insulted and dish some insults back yourself, deal with difficult peers, and the occasional lunch fight. I'm starting to realise that violence/punishment has some utility at a mild level.

            Yeah - this is making me feel incredibly old, because when I was in high school, teachers would have to force us to tell them how we got bruises/etc from what was obviously a fight and name-calling? That was a game to see how loud we could do it before the teacher noticed.

            This change is even seeping into our Defence Force…

            Amongst other reasons, I hope WWIII isn't anytime soon…

            • Kangal on 13/08/2019 - 18:58
              +2

              @HighAndDry: If we do have WW3, from a defensive point the countries such as:
              New Zealand, Australia, Canada, UK, Western Europe, and to some level USA are going to be screwed up. However, from an offensive point, those listed countries have a huge advantage. Should include South Africa there too.

              So if push-comes-shove, WWIII will be an inhumane, cold, and calculated warfare with very little in the way of fists, knives, spears, guns, and bombs. It will be with Army supply lines, for a Navy backup, fighting using bomb drops, missiles, and attacking another countries infrastructure (radio, oil reserves, electrical grid, satellite, seaports, critical roads, airports, crippling hospitals, decimating farms, destroying factories, bombing the women/children schools).

              …and maybe even Nuclear Warfare. Not sure what that will do for our aspirations for a Mars colony though. Or if it could have a benefit of reversing Global Warming by temporarily blacking-out the sky and reducing population and resource waste. But yeah, scary to think, that it is likely to happen if we allow countries/governments like Brazil, India, Iran, China, Russia, UK and USA to be corrupted and censor information.

              • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 19:19

                @Kangal:

                But yeah, scary to think, that it is likely to happen if we allow countries/governments like Brazil, India, Iran, China, Russia, UK and USA to be corrupted and censor information.

                Honestly, a worse option would be that we go back to Napoleon era politics where all the governments were nominally "hostile" to each other but actually all inter-married and in it together to screw over the little guy.

                I honestly don't think any one government is stupid/brave enough to actually turn the current situation into a serious hot shooting war. And communication is so easy these days that that happening because of a misunderstanding is fairly unlikely too.

        • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 19:13
          +2

          My parents thought I was a saint too…

          … until they had to post bail.

    • Davo1111 on 13/08/2019 - 17:42
      +1

      I don't buy the excuse of "I was just swinging it and someone might have walked into it and I might have hit them I don't know" for one second - I was that kid once, and that sounds like an excuse I'd use, plus you definitely know if something you're swinging hits someone.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnDxxQugCI0&feature=youtu.be…

  • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 16:14
    +18

    your kid sounds like a total a$$

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:24
      +2

      Like father like son. So the saying goes…

      • frondono on 13/08/2019 - 17:04
        -3

        A shit apple doesn't fall far from a shit apple tree. Sounds like he needs to work out some issues with a Psychologist.

        • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 17:09
          +1

          Same thing can be said for a good apple.

          • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 17:33
            +2

            @RSmith: Apples and apple trees are a terrible analogy here, just fyi, because cultivated apples are all grafted and nothing like the seeds the trunk is grown from. From wiki:

            This is because seedling apples are an example of "extreme heterozygotes", in that rather than inheriting genes from their parents to create a new apple with parental characteristics, they are instead significantly different from their parents, perhaps to compete with the many pests.

            • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 17:59

              @HighAndDry: I am not the one who brought up the apple analogy. I just replied.

            • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 20:45
              +1

              @HighAndDry: With all due respect, that's not how heterozygotes work. If you plant a red delicious seed, for example, which was pollinated by another red delicious, there's no guarantee that you will grow another red delicious tree. This is because apples do not breed true, hence the term extreme heterozygotes.
              The only way to guarantee that you will grow a red delicious tree is by grafting.

              • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 21:30

                @[Deactivated]: Wait, your comment sounds like it should be disagreeing with me but I'm not seeing the disagreement…

                OH - right, okay yeah - my bad, apple trees have to be grafted so that the apples it produces are what the grower wants.

                • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 21:43
                  +1

                  @HighAndDry: Yep :)

  • Quantumcat on 13/08/2019 - 16:14
    +15

    He said it was an accident as he was swinging the bag in front of him and when the other person passed by, it might have hit him

    Oldest excuse in the book - "I'm just waving my arms around, if you happen to get hit it is your own fault!" And not even a good excuse - waving something around when there are others nearby is a bad thing to do, it is easy to foresee someone being hurt.

    My son has told me that the other kid keeps staring at him regularly.

    Excuses. Even if the other child has some sort of superpower that means they can shoot pain inducing rays out of their eyes it isn't a good reason to call someone names or otherwise hurt them. In the real world there's going to be people who annoy or upset you whether intentional or not and as an adult you have to just deal with it politely. Your son should know by now that there's never a reason to be rude to anyone or hurt them, no matter what they do to you first.

    Very rarely will a child come to the realisation on their own that they've done something wrong and admit it and apologise. Socrates said, "Noone knowingly does evil" meaning that when you do something it is because you think you have a good reason to. Your son is just telling you his reasons, even though they aren't good ones. You should listen to the school and not let your son make bad excuses for his behaviour, and instead learn to own up to it and apologise to the people he has hurt.

  • Taro Milk Tea on 13/08/2019 - 16:18

    Is your kid's name James Jimmy Hopkins?

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:18

      Lol

  • cvas on 13/08/2019 - 16:18

    Not saying your child is at fault but it reminds me of a comic

  • payton on 13/08/2019 - 16:22
    +4

    couple options:

    1. buy your son a cheap GoPro and the shoulder mounting straps - no more "he said, they said". Bonus also is that if he gets caught perving he'll be suspended. Valuable lesson for adulthood. /s

    2. This sort of problem will happen again in adulthood, in a workplace eg person A doesn't like person B and so on. Might as well prepare him for it now.

    He said it was an accident as he was swinging the bag in front of him and when the other person passed by, it might have hit him

    Just happens to hit the person he has issues with, yeah bullshite.
    If your son is already making a fool of you by lying to your face, I suggest you give him the what for.

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:45

      happens to hit the person he has issues with, yeah bullshite.

      Was a different person altogether.

    • Davo1111 on 13/08/2019 - 17:42

      buy your son a cheap GoPro and the shoulder mounting straps - no more "he said, they said". Bonus also is that if he gets caught perving he'll be suspended. Valuable lesson for adulthood. /s

      no way is a school going to allow that.

  • o53djz7qTPY4der on 13/08/2019 - 16:24
    +14

    If the teachers are telling you he is bullying other kids, he is likely bullying other kids.

    I don't think this is a conversation teachers have with parents lightly or without concern.

    The ball is in your court. You either punish him and try to nip it in the bud or make excuses for him and let it continue/escalate.

      • o53djz7qTPY4der on 13/08/2019 - 16:28
        +1

        Excuse my ignorance, what is the difference?

        • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:40

          Ok, so now they have coordinator who deal with student complaints etc. Teachers do the actual teaching.

        • jjjaar on 13/08/2019 - 16:43

          Coordinators tend to have more of an authoritative role for an entire year level (or a couple of year levels, eg the junior students) and as such may only teach a limited number of classes (if any) and potentially doesn’t actually teach OPs son.

          A teacher just teaches.

        • pformag on 13/08/2019 - 17:43
          +1

          coordinators normally = head of year group. They normally also teach in that year group. So you have coords for each year.

  • spackbace on 13/08/2019 - 16:25
    +5

    Sounds like it's been everyone else's fault, and not your son's…?

    Given this is a biased, outsiders perspective it's hard to know, but that many complaints generally point to there being an issue. Of course your son would deny it to his parent, who would likely punish him (I'd hope).

    Might be time to put him into a martial arts course or something to discipline him

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:26

      Well of the three incidents, he admitted to doing one and denying other two.

      • spackbace on 13/08/2019 - 16:27
        +1

        What did you do to him when he admitted the first? What was the punishment?

        • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:29

          Talked to him about his behavior at school and what is acceptable. Since then there wasn't any complain from the school.

          He got detention at school as a punishment.

          He got punihsed at home too.

          • spackbace on 13/08/2019 - 16:31
            +3

            @RSmith:

            He got punihsed at home too.

            Bingo.

            A necessary thing, yet do you think he wanted a repeat of that punishment?

            Easier to lie and avoid it than to cop it again

        • o53djz7qTPY4der on 13/08/2019 - 16:31
          +3

          What was the punishment?

          This.

          I always like a good creative punishment.

          I was once in charge of a summer school for international students. Most of whom were under 18. They, obviously, drunk. They got caught and warned. The next night they got caught again.

          Their punishment was to copy word-for-word the day's newspaper - backwards. They sat in my office for about 7 hours in silence doing it until they finished. I felt sorry for them, a little but they didn't get caught again.

          • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 16:46
            +2

            @o53djz7qTPY4der:

            Their punishment was to copy word-for-word the day's newspaper - backwards.

            That's absolutely hilarious - how did you even think this up?!

            • o53djz7qTPY4der on 13/08/2019 - 16:56
              +2

              @HighAndDry: My teachers telling me they had caught students drinking interrupted me reading the sport pages. The next morning I just bought five extra copies of the paper.

    • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 18:44

      The amount of complaints for what seem to be really really minor things (imo - I might just be old and out of touch…) makes me think that while OP's son did probably do these things, there's a bigger problem that he might just be really unpopular.

      Because I can't imagine telling on someone calling me names in high school without being laughed at, unless the person telling was popular, and the person being told on was markedly less popular and getting them in trouble was a way to mess with them even more.

      NOTE TO OP This doesn't make your son innocent, it just means there might be more serious issues which coordinators and detention isn't going to be able to solve. Your son's teachers can't make him popular or force the other kids to be nice to him if they're not.

      • spackbace on 13/08/2019 - 18:50
        +2

        Because I can't imagine telling on someone calling me names in high school without being laughed at

        You do have to realise the change in what is and isn't acceptable over the years. You lived in a time where openly calling someone homosexual slurs would've been fine, and almost the status quo.

        I was bullied right through from year 2 onwards. It resulted in me being completely ostracised by the time I left primary school. Most of it was verbal, some physical. It had an effect, trust me.

        No way in hell I'd like to see a kid of mine being either bullied or being the bully, be it physical or mental. No one deserves that.

        Don't just simply brush it off to be nothing. It could very well be something and we're just getting the story from a doting dad. I'm sure there's more sides to this story.

        • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 18:58

          You lived in a time where openly calling someone homosexual slurs would've been fine, and almost the status quo.

          Yeah you called it there that's true. But I don't know - we would've never used that to actually insult someone who was actually gay - even in high school we knew better, but there was an acceptable level of nuance and discretion left to individuals I think. Hell - when we were really being mean, we didn't need actual swear words or name-calling, my friends would be extra sarcastic about what someone was proud of.

          No way in hell I'd like to see a kid of mine being either bullied or being the bully, be it physical or mental. No one deserves that.

          You're right, but those - from memory - involved groups ganging up on one kid, whereas here it seems like the opposite - a lot of (different) people being called names by OP's son. Maybe OP's son is just socially so awkward to the point he'll just do that, but it seems like telling on him to the teachers is an extension of (again - potentially, because I am just winging it here) bigger problem between OP's son and the other kids.

          =/

  • garetz on 13/08/2019 - 16:27

    This could be a case of reverse bullying, where everyone is accusing the kid of bullying, when in fact he isnt, maybe because of reputation, or some other kind of social pressure.

    It's very tough to deal with as a parent, but at the same time, he could be lieing to you and still be a bully, make it looks like what he is doing to be less than it really is.

    Just tell your kid as long as he doesnt lie to you, you will always be on his side, that goes a long way to creating trust, and if your kid trusts you, then there is much less chance he will lie to you.

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:35
      -5

      I trust my son and the only time he ever lied to me was nearly 2 years ago. He bought an electronic gadget from his own pocket money and told us that his friend gave to him.

      Stupidest excuse I have ever heard. He owned up pretty quick.

      • johnno07 on 13/08/2019 - 18:59
        +4

        the only time he ever lied to me was nearly 2 years ago

        Yeah.
        Nah.

      • try2bhelpful on 13/08/2019 - 19:04

        Seriously, how do you know if this is the only time. He could well have learnt from this and is now an accomplished liar.

  • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 16:29

    So bullying these days is calling a kid a few names and getting hit with a bag of clothes, LMAF. Half the school would of been kicked out in my days.

    • Taro Milk Tea on 13/08/2019 - 16:34

      Is calling other kids using their father's name also considered as bullying now? I did that too many times before…

      • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 17:08

        Were their fathers called Richards…?

    • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 16:47

      Yeah I was waiting for something more to be quite honest. No wonder we're getting softer.

  • Fysh on 13/08/2019 - 16:35
    +1

    I once lashed out and hit someone with a chalk duster after months of bullying. Sometimes I was chased around the building till I could find an open door to hold closed. Once I hit the person with the chalk duster in the eye I was the bully. I just cop3d it because it was easier to do that. Get him through this year and change schools. Take him to a local sports place see who he gets along with then find out which school they go to and put him in there. There is one thing that particularly stands out is that his friends haven't come to support him. So even if he says he has friends they probably are just people who tolerate him. Also get him a mentor, not a psychologist this will just make him feel there is something wrong with him.

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 16:41
      +1

      Also get him a mentor, not a psychologist this will just make him feel there is something wrong with him.

      How do I go about doing that?

  • teacherer on 13/08/2019 - 17:04
    +2

    Your son sounds like a bully my dude

  • Daniel Plainview on 13/08/2019 - 17:09
    +1

    I love OzB with the best of them but for the love of gawd don't post here looking for serious and meaningful parenting advice. If you are serious about the issue speak to one of the many services out there that have experts in the area - plenty of free ones DYOR.

    • HighAndDry on 13/08/2019 - 17:37

      Hey! We're a good whiteboard rock face to bounce ideas off of…

  • trustnoone on 13/08/2019 - 17:17
    +2

    As someone who has no kids and like giving my 2c on things I know nothing about, my thoughts are that your son probably isn't super well liked at school, maybe quiet a bit as well? People only see him when he's either saying nothing (which they don't think about) or doing something (hitting kids with a bag of clothes).

    Sometimes bullies exist and I do agree they're around, but I'm guessing like everything, its probably 'not that simple'. Other kids probably passively showing their dislike, shunning him etc, mostly small stuff he can't complain about. It probably starts to get to him until he sees an opening, but obvious opening means obvious in trouble, which you can't really approve or accept either.

    Sounds like not being super well liked isn't just coming from the students, but as it sometimes happens, students thoughts start to rub off onto the teachers too and its easy to just place him as being the bad guy. This probably isn't the best for his self esteem and all that, and may make him start to dislike everyone.

    Then again thats just a massive assumption though, based on nothing. So who knows.

  • funnysht on 13/08/2019 - 17:31
    +4

    send him to military school…in north korea.

  • Tee Rex Arms on 13/08/2019 - 17:36
    +2

    Your son will get a tune up from someone bigger than him sooner rather than later if he keeps this up I’d say

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 20:57

      If he was a bully, he would have already got a tune up by now (10 years in school system since primary). Not even a single complaint until last year.

  • Godric on 13/08/2019 - 17:39

    Someone dibby dobbed

  • Davo1111 on 13/08/2019 - 17:43

    ITT my son is 100% innocent.

  • pformag on 13/08/2019 - 17:44

    I hate bullies. Why can't people just be kind to each other?

    • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 17:47

      Human nature. Some are are assertive, some are passive.

      Nurture can still overcome nature so it is up to parents to ensure bullying is not encouraged/enabled.

  • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 17:45
    +3

    1. As H&D said, don't undermine authority figures. That's a sure fire way to have a disrespectful and eventually self-entitled adult.

    2. Accept your kid is a bully. The signs are all there.

    3. Teach your kid that actions have consequences.

    4. Be very firm on the physical attacks and pay less attention to the name calling or your kid will grow up thinking verbal abuse and physical violence are equally bad. It's not. People should be careful with words but speech should still be guarded. Physical violence is well defined so the tolerance is a clear cut zero.

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 17:56
      -4

      As H&D said, don't undermine authority figures. That's a sure fire way to have a disrespectful and eventually self-entitled adult.

      Not trying to undermine anyone, but the last incident the coordinators punished my son on assumption that as my son was walking from the direction of other kid(according to students) so they decided my son was guilty.

      This time, I want them to find out who was my son with when this supposed name calling happened? If so, they should talk to other students to ascertain the truth.

    • TheBilly on 13/08/2019 - 20:01

      As H&D said, don't undermine authority figures. That's a sure fire way to have a disrespectful and eventually self-entitled adult.

      Probably the worst advice I have ever heard. This is not communist china. Respect the law, abide by it. That is where the buck stops.

      To prevent self entitlement, you can do so many other things like - make them work for pocket money, carry out charity work, reuse broken things etc. teaching your child to always be a little betch is severly unhealthy. Having a healthy level of doubt towards authority figures is good for them.

      What you sound like is a child groomer… don't question anything child… dont say anything either young child.

      • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 20:18

        This has nothing to do with communism nor China.

        Children do not understand the difference between law and enforcement. To them, it is the same thing, hence why inconsistent parenting is so damaging to children - they cannot compartmentalize "do as I say, not as I do".

        Respect the law, abide by it. That is where the buck stops.

        As far as this "worst advice you've ever heard", the buck hasn't got a chance to get that far.

  • DashCam AKA Rolts on 13/08/2019 - 18:23
    +1

    Have you had a 3 way meeting with the coordinator, your son and yourself to discuss the issue? There are three different view points here. Your son being involved in the discussion and hearing directly from the school, what the perceived issues are involving his behaviour would be a step towards changing the interactions that are causing the accusations of bullying.
    My suggestion would be to speak to the coordinator requesting a three way meeting as a way of implementing a positive behavioural change for your son.

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 18:25

      Not yet. I will be requesting for it.

  • orangetrain on 13/08/2019 - 18:38

    If your kid is accused of bullying various kids. Not a group picking on other kids, then you have two options:

    1) He seems to be taking it out on kids and possibly lying to you. Have a talk with him to see what his issues are.

    2) Other kids and school admin are railroading him. He likely has no friends to stand up for him so he won't have any objections to being put into a different school.

  • Dreamcast on 13/08/2019 - 18:41

    What's with middle and junior school?? Have things changed? I know of primary school, kindergarten to year 6 and high school, year 7 to 12.

    Made me think you're merican.

    • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 19:07

      What's wrong with Muricans?

    • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 20:05

      Private school uses that terminology: ELC, Junior, Middle school and Senior college.

  • DashCam AKA Rolts on 13/08/2019 - 18:44

    If you can set up a three way conference, it is important that you have a chat to your son beforehand to set this up to be a positive interaction. It is important that you and he take the position that this is not a conflict situation, but trying to cooperatively sort out a problem.
    If you and your son can avoid being defensive about the situation and approach this meeting with the hope of a positive outcome for all concerned, you may be pleasantly surprised by the end result.

  • maximum on 13/08/2019 - 19:04
    +2

    It is worth having a meeting with your son and the principal, school counsellor etc.best to get on the front foot so he doesn't get a reputation.

    It is very easy for a child to get labelled a bully but hard for them to lose the label. I remember a phone call I got once from school advising my son had punched a kid - he was caught on cctv. The phone call came because they were concerned about him because the kid he punched was a bully. They had been right through the cctv but couldn't find when the "bully" had picked on him - but they were sure it wasn't my sons fault because he was a good boy and the other kid was a known bully.

    My son was the a**hole but the other kids reputation meant my sons punishment from school was one lunchtime of picking up papers. If someone had punched my son I would have pushed for expulsion but this poor kid had no justice because he had been labelled the bad kid.

  • epkh on 13/08/2019 - 19:08
    +2

    At my school (I’m a teacher), teachers are not allowed to speak to parents about student behaviour. In fact, a student coach or a coordinator must do it so that kinda settles that.

    On top of that, I would like to add that there are a lot of processes involved for coordinators to contact parents about misbehaviour.

    There must really be a lot of complaints and this really must be from more than a couple of students for this to escalate to this point.

    As an example, I really dislike escalating a problem to this point - so much paperwork, extra work and meeting with students and coordinator just so the parents can know about the behaviour.

    So chances are it is legit cos it takes a lot of hard work to punish a student like this.

  • Herbse on 13/08/2019 - 19:20
    +1

    If you're worried it's a conspiracy against your kid. Take him out and go to another school. If it happens again, you know what the problem is

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 19:29

      This option is on the table too.

  • try2bhelpful on 13/08/2019 - 19:20
    +2

    Might be time to sit down with the kid and find out what is happening in his life. Not just the bullying accusations, but in general. Kids have oh so many ways to trigger each other, and any perceived difference or weakness is exploited. You need to step back and analyse your son dispassionately. Does he have many friends? Does he get obsessed with things? Does he take into account other people’s feelings? Personally, I think kids are, basically, one step away from “Lord of the Flies”, half the time. Whether he is the bully, or being bullied, neither is healthy for his future. Talk to the school counsellor and see if they have techniques to diffuse situations. Just saying “not my son” won’t get you a lot of sympathy, they’ve heard this line a lot. Maybe finding ways for your kid to avoid triggers, and situations, will get him off the radar. Best of luck.

  • Ziggy28 on 13/08/2019 - 19:26
    -1

    Both you and your son need counselling

  • trev likes bargains on 13/08/2019 - 19:30

    He accepted his mistake once and got punished.

    Your son has grown up now.

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 19:33

      That's what I thought too. However, now he is going to get punished for thing that he has denied doing.

  • TheBilly on 13/08/2019 - 19:35

    When I think back in school. Everytime I got in trouble,it was very fair 70% of the time 30% was kind of warranted but harsh. I cant say whether your kid is getting fair treatment, but all you can do is know how much truth is in his/her statement. Just because they told you the truth once, it doesnt mean you will only hear truth from here on in, that is also naive.

    On the flip side, society has become very sensitive in this day and age. I have nephews and neices under 10 that have no clue about life. In junior primary school I used to walk to school for many kilometers and cross multiple highways, parks, pick up some milk for mum from the shop on the way home and just figure stuff out. It wasnt just me, other kids had thicker skin too.

    Nowadays, you could say hello in a rough tone, or good bye in a aggressive voice and Im sure a kid will consider that bullying. In my eyes it is not, but it might be treated that way and you can be certain about the level of accusation. So there are too many variables.

    Does your child play weekend sports? see how they behave on the field or court? that whilst not definitive would give you a good idea on their personality that you can observe. I.e. assertive? controlling? aggressive? passive? and then you may be better able to judge if they have a bullying personality.

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 19:39

      Agree with most of what you have said.

      Does your child play weekend sports

      Does.

      Very passive. I sometimes wish he was a bit more aggressive and had a few fouls against his name.

      • TheBilly on 13/08/2019 - 19:50

        Passive while not alarming or definitive does not gel with the accusations. Did the other kids parents complain or just teachers? is it worth meeting the parents over tea and letting the kids play some nintendo?

        If the other kids parents are deadshits, there is another indicator where things are stacking up. i.e. your son was actually provoked and then dobbed on etc.

        • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 19:59

          Did the other kids parents complain or just teachers?

          Parents haven't complained and I haven't been told of such instances. The latest complaint is from his classmate and has come via the coordinators.

          is it worth meeting the parents over tea and letting the kids play some nintendo?

          Definitely worth considering. Not sure if school would be able to give the contact number of other parents to me.

          • TheBilly on 13/08/2019 - 20:02

            @RSmith:

            Parents haven't complained and I haven't been told of such instances. The latest complaint is from his classmate and has come via the coordinators.

            Dont do anything then, see where it ends up. Once parents get involved it gets serious. Everything other than that is just child stuff that just happens.

  • [Deactivated] on 13/08/2019 - 19:46

    Get him some karate lessons, problems solved.

    • TheBilly on 13/08/2019 - 19:50
      +1

      MMA or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

      Karate is for thin asian anime lovers that will never actually fight someone.

  • MessyG on 13/08/2019 - 19:58

    The problem with bullying is that bullies are rarely aware that what they're doing IS bullying - it's their normal. Does this sort of thing happen at home? Some families see teasing as 'joking' so the kids just repeat what's going on at home without realising, or they're copying stuff they've seen online because it's all been normalised. Might be worth seeing GP and considering going to a psychologist all together to nut it out.

    • RSmith on 13/08/2019 - 20:06

      Does this sort of thing happen at home

      As far as I am aware, it does not. His younger siblings and him have arguments every now and then, but nothing out of ordinary.

      Teasing is not what we do as a family.

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