I don’t know if she’s serious but she has asked the question. She said she will retire soon and can’t afford to live alone. She said the reason she has no savings was because she was a single mother?
I hate this lady. What is my obligation? Or what can I say?
Maybe you all have a great time and it won't be that bad?
Tell the MIL sure … you'll build her a granny flat she can live in … but it will have webcams everywhere and you'll livestream it 24/7 to pay for it all ;)
I don’t think anyone would want to watch it unless they are mentally disturbed
Isn't that all reality TV show viewers? ;-)
100%
Thank you for all the responses from the Oz Bargain community. I will assist with signing her up to the commission housing waiting list and that’s it.
I’ve made up my mind to say a big fat NO and if it results into a divorce, I would still be happier that way.
soo….. how did the wife take it when she saw the post ?
Judging by how spineless the OP is with bringing this up with the mrs, the mrs is probably happy with the divorce. She gets half and now can help her mum with a nice rental place.
Everyone wins… almost
maybe she gets it, you never know.
Edit: probs not but you never know ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Judging by his previous post about his wife checking OzB Daily, it's fair to say he's now deceased lol
He was comical while he was alive, that's how I want to remember him
If saying no to this results in a divorce - then you have dodged a far bigger bullet than the mother-in-law.
put a pool in where the granny flat was suppose to go
Surely it's cheaper just to dispose of MIL in an already existing lake? Much less obvious too.
Shovel.. Bag of lime… State forest?
Ivan has checked in.
@Dreamcast: Have you got a basement? I'm sure Josef Fritzl has a handbook available.
(Not replying to Dreamcast sorry… Don't know how to remove link)
You need to get on top this straight away.
Firstly, its good your wife wont talk about it. You need to get down to bunnings and buy a shed, cost maximum $2000. Build a shed in the space you have for the granny flat. Now the space is your space.
Also sounds like you need some space.
For a second there I thought this was headed to housing the MIL in the shed.
Or getting duct tape, lenght of rope, shovel and a bag of lime at bunning. Getting the shed was the front.
put mil under the slab then build the shed on top
The answer is no, be firm.
If you/ your missus feels bad, and you're intending to be rent out that property. Use some of the rental income gained from that source to buy her gifts every now and then.
Chances are you guys would ultimately end up with a MUCH better relationship compared with her being stuck with you indefinitely.
I’m happy with the gift idea. A gift here and there.
Relationships between women and their mothers can be very complicated, something us men cant understand. My wife has a very codependent relationship with her mother. They don't get on, however are always in contact and she comes to stay with us, which is a nighmare as my wife ends up upset, which impacts me and the kids. But then She keeps going back for more….
Relationships between women and their mothers can be very complicated, something us men cant understand.
Bullshit! Read on…
ends up upset… But then
She keeps going back for more….
Sounds like every relationship ever?
Or alcohol.
Or Italian cars.
I've got nothing :( Good luck.
Have you asked her what is the example she is prepared to set for her own kids? Would she really be expecting to do the same to her own? Eg not prepared to save for her own retirement, pressure her own kids to support her, live in the same manner?
You need to man up and tell her the truth. Like
"you make me miserable and I don't want you moving in with us"
Maybe she'll stop being such a biatch then.
There is no doubt that I need to grow some balls.
Sounds like you enjoy your personal space and time with your wife and don't want your privacy to be invaded. You're not obliged to help her mother, but maybe you want to in another way because you love your wife and it'll probably make her life better. I'm sure there are a lot of older men and women in a similar situation, and it might be worth doing some research to see how they cope.
As long as you clearly communicate why you're concerned about the idea, what your expectations are, and demonstrate your willingness to help within your boundaries, your wife and mother-in-law will most likely come around.
Hope it works out well for all three of you.
Ah this is so tough. On one hand her age group and gender are probably the most at risk for poverty and homelessness now (long term single mother reaching retirement age, often minimal super because they've spent their lives raising kids and not working), however, you have to live your life too, and I'm guessing if she was a lovely beautiful person, this wouldn't even be a question. One question though - if she's working she should have super right? Or is that what she wants to spend it on - a granny flat? Where will she live while it is being built? Why can't she retire at 65? Why can't she live off the superannuation she DOES have until it runs out and hopefully by then you and your wife will be in a better spot financially to help her? Will any super that she does have get her to about 75 where she can go into a low level aged care facility on a commonwealth supported place (80% of the aged care pension)? These are questions you need answered before you can discuss this further. Talk to your partner about it out of your home on neutral ground like at a cafe or something, try to be really kind and warm about it, this is her mother facing destitution plus no doubt a lifetime of conflicting baggage on top of it.
Thank you for your detailed response. Good questions you have raised.
Don't do it. Sit down and discuss it with your wife but if you do not like your MIL when she doesn't live with you I can promise you it will not get better when she does. Better to have the argument now than when she retires and the pressure is really on.
If your wife insists better to know and get out now. If she chooses her mum over you she always will and its your choice if that's the life you want or not. If you have no say in your marriage now you'll have even less when your MIL is chiming in all the time.
At the very least she should pay for the addition to your house, since it would in the long term save her so much compared to renting (assuming she lives to median age). Surely she has saved some money over the last 40 years? Would a bank give a $100,000 loan to an old age pensioner? The pension is the most reliable income stream, since you never lose it until you die.
since you never lose it until you die.
You will if you move overseas permanently.
NO, NO , No,, Dont do It
You Will regret it for the rest of your life..
Listen to the Above..
FYI she cannot access the Australian Age Pension until she is 65.5 years old and that is increasing to 67 years in July 2023
https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/services/ce…
Your legal obligations to her start when she gets a foot inside your property and can point to a developed dependence upon your support
I wasn’t aware. Thank you for the info.
Time to setup a Tinder profile on behalf of your MIL I reckon…
This might be a good idea. She will probably try,
This request was put to us my my MIL.
"Absolutely under no circumstances will this ever happen" was what I said to my partner. This was never up for any level of discussion. I work hard to have a place of my own, and that's what I have.
I had a request from my MIL to stay with us for 6 weeks whilst they were renovating their house.
"Absolutely under no circumstances will this ever happen" was what I said to my partner.
2 weeks is about my max!
ACCESS DENIED.
I think after 3 days that would be it. 6 weeks is a decent effort.
I veto'd it. In the end they had to rent somewhere.
Exactly! I’ve worked hard, saved my money, and even ate soggy sandwiches at work while everyone else got to dine out. Having my own place is important to me. If someone wants to live it up, that’s fine, but not at my expensive.
So you get the point - why haven't you expressed it this clearly to your partner?
Moving forward you have to be comfortable sharing how you feel about a situation with your wife. Else you’d always be finding excuses to dodge the conversation temporarily.
Also may I ask in general (not from op or this post alone) why so much hate for parents in law? Is that a cultural thing? Or is it like this person is really horrible deal with and have poor attitudes / etc …
We just can’t be our selves around her as anything we do, even eat or say might offend her. A very twisted person and also very selfish.
Even if I bring up her name, wife goes all defensive and weird. No idea how to be able to talk about her without such a reaction.
alright so opinionated and attitudes. Yeah that’s very troublesome.
Your wife has had her early childhood filled with that toxicity, she's probably simultaneously terrified of her and riddled with guilt about her feelings of rage. Don't talk about her mother, talk about your future and what you want it to look like. Talk about your plans together. Tell your wife she deserves to be happy and loved unconditionally without fear of recrimination. Ask your wife if she wants to have children, what sort of mother does she want to be for her children? You can get her to talk about her mother without bringing up her mother.
You use the word "Hate". It's a pretty strong word.
You say you hate this lady but are scared to have a serious discussion with your wife about it. Shit man I would threaten divorce if I was put in a situation where I had to live with someone I hated. Maybe you don't hate her, but dislike her lol.
Admin I think it’s time to delete this post.
But did your wife see it?
I’m not sure.
Okay. I'm hoping your next thread is titled:
"Wife saw my OzB thread, wants divorce, is this fair?"
lolll
MIL is that you?
Karen needs to tell us her side of the story! :-)
Yeap, username checks out, but tell me, when did they let you out of the hospital?
Parents are over rated anyways.
Not too late for a potential wedding! Sign her up on one of those old people dating sites! Two pensions, expenses paid!
The best advice is to do the complete opposite of what the major of ozbargainers tell you to do!
👌
Yeah. What could go wrong?
There more I know about female psychology the more I am disgusted.
They are wonderful as mother (not all of them) but the rest of their psychology is just appalling.
Not saying man are so much better but at least a lot of them become philosophers.
When was the last time you quoted female philosopher?
You just discovered misogyny and you think that makes you a philosopher. Way to go dude.
I didn't think anything on Ozbargain could make my jaw drop anymore. You proved me wrong. Congratulations.
Both the best and worst of human beings can come from either gender. Mothers have killed their own children, and other mothers have sacrificed their life for their child. Likewise with fathers. Splitting off into small tribes and flinging poop at each other hasn't been a viable strategy for some time.
Splitting off into small tribes and flinging poop at each other hasn't been a viable strategy for some time.
Speak for yourself
Dont do it if you value your relationship with your partner. Your own mental health is key to being happy and if you dont like your mother in law, its just a ticking time bomb.
Diamond Princess Cruise Ship has plenty of cheap rooms and availability at the moment, send her on a holiday
i hear wuhan is lovely this time of year
Simple answer dude, situation reversed if it was your elderly mother asking… what will you do??
She might be your MIL but for your wife its mom..
mum*
Cancel the plan to build a granny flat
If you know she is going to ruin your life, then be absolutely brutal and say no, even if its going to cost you losing your misuses….YOLO
PS
My in-laws and her family destroyed me.
How did your in-laws destroy you?
OP, flip the script and get your mum to move in too !!
Predictable plot twist.
Better if op moves in his mistress instead.
this could be heaven or hell. Depends who's paying for the granny flat. Take her money, build the flat, it stays on your title and up goes the value of your place. When she passes then the BIL's and SIL's can go jump!!! seen that happen a few times.
take your time and see what happen ..
take your time and see what happen .i think you should consider ..
We haven't heard from you for a while. I hope everything is okay on the family front. Can you give us an update if possible.
All good still safe and alive.
As time passes I think the wife didn’t want to say no so to her mum but wanted me to say it.
Thats right. You are truly a married couple when your partner is ready to throw you under the bus.
Good to hear from you. So have you told the MIL?
Not yet. I’m waiting for her to ask again or hint it then BANG…I will spill the beans.
This is a really good idea… but it could backfire? What if they have a great time together.