Dealing with Family Death and How to 'Get Over' It?

salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 16:30

My mum was diagnosed with cancer two years ago in her 50s and recently died from it. All the kids had fled the nest bar me and I was looking after her for the last 2yrs whilst working a job i really enjoyed with lots of responsibility for me age (I now realise how little this matters when stuff like this happens). It was incredibly stressful and traumatic and I had little support but could not fall apart due to there being no safety net. It was even more stressful due to COVID-19 rules.

It has been nearly two months now and I am struggling with the grief to the point that I am not as productive as I should be at work (i.e. at home now that we work at home), and I now live alone and find it super hard. My 2 brothers did not have a good relationship with my mum and I find I can't discuss it deeply with them, perhaps they are going through grief in their own way.

Tl;dr I am struggling a little, and need some advice on how people coped like this. Does it get easier? How do I get over this? How do I fill my emptiness? How do not cry all the time?

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Comments

  • Hybroid on 04/05/2020 - 16:35
    +38

    I'm sorry for your loss. The honest truth is time heals all wounds and it will definitely absolutely categorically get better. We have all suffered loss, it's a part of life, but take solace that she's in a better pain-free place now and focus on getting your life back on track. There's professional people and places to talk about things if that works for you. Soldier on, focus on work and life and it gets better over time.

    • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 16:41
      +6

      Thanks for sharing. I agree, time usually heals things but I find it can open up old trauma as well. I naively thought I could chuck it in a box and leave it there.

      • Hybroid on 04/05/2020 - 16:48
        +9

        Some people can bottle it all up and move on fine but some people cannot and need a release. There's absolutely nothing wrong with either approach. If you feel you need an outlet for it all to be able to move on then go for it. Don't be shy or anxious or hesitate at all, it's part of life.

        There's some information here that may help: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/coping-with-grief

      • Kangal on 06/05/2020 - 18:27
        +1

        To be honest, you're only going to get superficial comments here.

        We don't know the basics that make "you".
        Like what is your age, gender, your cultural background, spirituality, are you young/middle/old child, your relationship with father, your aspirations in life, the community around your mother, etc etc etc etc.

        I'm not saying that to be a creep, or to annoy you, just to keep you planted.
        Like maybe you can speak with the chemo friends of your mum's… but we have no idea about that.
        Or spend some time with your nephews…. again, we don't know.

        All anyone can offer you so far, is superficial help, nothing like practical to do. Is that what you were looking for?

        • salekhard on 07/05/2020 - 00:41

          Thanks. I have found this thread useful so I dont regret asking at all. Sometimes the simplest solutions help, and talking about it helps.

          I find deep meaning in many of the comments as I can totally understand where they are coming from. This helps me.

  • spackbace on 04/05/2020 - 16:38
    +16

    Talk about it, and give yourself time to stop and deal with it. Take 2 weeks off work or something and just let yourself deal with it. Talk to someone and have a cry, but just get it out, don't bottle it.

    Been there, done that, had to be the pillar of support for those around me until 1 day it just hit me and I needed time to deal with it, I was the one that needed their affection and attention.

  • CyberMurning on 04/05/2020 - 16:43
    +1

    no one can help but yourself. start by realising that human can live because human will die.
    (if we cant die, we wont call this is a life). so this is all just a journey that must end. can be a year, can be 50 years.

  • Unorthodox on 04/05/2020 - 16:47
    +4

    Sorry for your loss OP.

    Having gone through something similar but not as close, it can be very burdening on your mental health especially during the current Covid-19 situation.

    I found that at the start there were a lot of regrets and nostalgia and thinking about how little everything means now vs the what I could have done in the past.

    I think once you go through that and accept that 1) we're all very insignificant on the grand scale but we mean a lot to the people who matter
    2) the best moments are those you cherish and look back on

    You'll be able to continue to be you but you'll probably be a little bit more open to making an impact on those around you.
    The thing to note is to try make it a positive impact.

    Don't be afraid to have a day where you reflect, mourn or talk to yourself / others and have some time away. Getting wasted but doing it responsibly. It hurts and especially now, it'll be damn difficult. We can curse the circumstances but as long as we don't blame others or ourselves.
    As long as you don't make it a routine or habit. Just remember to self care:)

    • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 20:35
      +3

      Thank you. I did a lot of volunteer work (as that's where I found my core purpose), but had to push it away as things became un-manageable and I found myself being stressed all the time and being snappy. I hope to be in a position to pick it all up again. You've made me think about a way to make it a little better and I feel that is surrounding myself with those who I volunteered with so I can pick up my purpose again.

  • wallet72 on 04/05/2020 - 16:56
    +9

    I lost my grandmother and step father in the space of 9 months, it was so hard to get over.

    We had time with my step father, he died from cancer, and he said one thing that helped me get through this: 'Feel free to miss me, but don't dwell on it. Remember the good times and the bad times and remember I wouldn't want you sitting around feeling sorry. I expect you to get on with things and have a great life, lust like if I was here with you'

    Or something like that. It did help. Talking to other people helped. And remember its' okay to feel sad and miss them, but don't live that life.

    • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 20:38
      +2

      Sorry to hear that. I agree with the sentiment. It's just hard to put words into actions sometimes. I think I will be lots better in one year, but that's a long time.

      • wallet72 on 05/05/2020 - 11:04
        +1

        you will be better, and you will look back at the good times with laughter and then feel a bit sad - and that's ok.

        But please don't think you have to do this on your own, talk to your friends or professionals or even people here.

  • John on 04/05/2020 - 17:12
    +6

    Talk to someone. Apart from friends and family, some workplace offer employee assistance support. Look into professional counselling even. Other place you can look for help I guess church or something like that. At the end of the day, just don't feel its abnormal to grieve the way you do.. everyone goes through it differently. Some handle it better than others, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. I believe opening up is better than keeping it in.

    • Lastchancetosee on 05/05/2020 - 10:01
      +3

      This. The Employee Assistance Program service is confidential (at least, everywhere I've worked). If you have a regular GP, then s/he can also refer you for free counselling.

      Two months is still early days for you. We all process grief differently, so there's no 'normal' time period. Perhaps it will help to take some comfort in how much your mother must have appreciated your kindness and care.

  • YouSirName on 04/05/2020 - 17:16
    +2

    I'm sorry for your loss, salekhard. I'm no good at throwing advises and tbh, time should heal it. Take care of yourself, get deeply involved in activities that you enjoy, listen to music, workout, cycle around. May be if you like travelling, take a break and go out, come back afresh. You should be alright :)

  • [Deactivated] on 04/05/2020 - 17:32
    +9

    I don't know if you ever "get over it". As time goes by, you think of them less often and when you do , it hurts less.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

    • ozbjunkie on 05/05/2020 - 19:23
      +2

      I'd go as far as to say you think of them a little less often, but when you do, you remember all the good times, and on the whole it doesn't just hurt less, it actually feels good to remember.

      But everyone's experience can be different.

      You're right about not really getting over it. Sometimes I dream of my grandfather and when I wake up I realise I've been crying in my sleep. But it was so good to see him that it feels like a win.

      Anyways…

  • pjetson on 04/05/2020 - 17:46
    +5

    You really need to talk to someone. If you have a regular GP, I think you should go see him/her. You might qualify for a mental health plan referral to a psychologist/therapist/counceller who may be able to help you with some coping strategies. Unfortunately, I'm not sure whether psychologists are still working nowdays.

    • bdl on 04/05/2020 - 18:58
      +3

      This.

      Yes, psychologists are still working, via telehealth.

      So, go to GP, talk about a mental health plan, and then see psychologist. see: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-care-plan . One that page, don't worry about the word "disorder" - you're upset, and it's something the mental health plan and a psychologist can help you with. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing to be ashamed of, just something you are going through right now and there's a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see the light at the moment.

      The mental health care plan gives you a number of subsidised visits to a psychologist, feel free to 'shop around' to find a psychologist that works well for you to help you through what you need to get through. You're not 'stuck' with one psychologist purely because you're on a plan.

      • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 20:39
        +3

        Thanks my GP gave me some advice on that. I will definitely look into it more.

  • Donaldhump on 04/05/2020 - 18:14
    +4

    see a psychologist, just having a stranger to talk to may let you unleash your hurt, ask your work for EPA
    time heals wounds your mum wouldnt want you to be sad, she would want you to move on but never forget

  • kahn on 04/05/2020 - 18:22
    +1

    I'm still trying to get over the loss of scab, PJC, Mathnerd, Watchnerd, savas, and tuzii.

    • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 20:41
      +1

      Hi Mate, There were many times when I was sad that I missed an ozbargain or didnt get a good bonus at work or had to work late. I now learn that perspective is everything and most things don't matter in life except for people (of course you need job, shelter, food).

  • Cheeper on 04/05/2020 - 18:33
    +2

    Such is life. It throws things like this at you and just when you think you are seeing normality again it usually throws another.
    When it happens to someone that you are close to it makes it ten times harder to get over and comprehend why.
    Finding this sort of thing as too hard to deal with by yourself is not a wrong thing so start by understanding that.

    There are many resources for councelling/support you could check out, even mention it to your GP and he may direct you in the right direction.
    Times like this is where a true friend or a close family is priceless but we all dont have that good fortune.

    I have been through this situation more times than I care to recall myself.
    Some things that have helped.
    Understand that life does go on and things will improve, maybe very slowly, but they do.
    I see you live alone. That is a bad scenario in times like this. Can you go and spend a week or so couch surfing at a friends place? It helps to have others around even though they may not fully understand what you are going through.
    Go out, do things. Plan an adventure. Try not to stay home too much and when you do come home try to be worn out and ready to go to bed. Sitting around alone only allows you to dwell on things and that never solves anything.

    Hope things improve for you soon.

    • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 20:42
      +2

      Thanks. I ring and skype a lot of people. I find it helps. My brain is OK, but my feelings are not if that makes sense. Almost as if they are not connected.

      • antigrate on 06/05/2020 - 22:45

        Shock and grief comes in many different ways and forms, and for different people. Sometimes even when we feel okay in one way or another that might not be what's happening subconsciously. A few years ago when I returned back to Australia from a life overseas I felt completely fine in my first few weeks, almost "too" fine. And then I woke up the next morning and it felt like I was hit by a wave of panic attacks and anxiety which lasted a solid half year. It's different for everyone.

        I don't know this helps but I'm getting therapy sessions through The Mind Room (you can look them up). They do video consultations and if you have a GP referral it's about $90 per session/50 minute session. It's a little expensive but you can budget for it and honestly you can't put a price on your mental health. It really helps to talk to someone professional. Friends and family can only do so much, whereas a qualified psychologist can offer solid advice and help you move on.

        Good luck OP, I'm so sorry. You will feel better soon, it's just a matter of time.

  • Almost Banned on 04/05/2020 - 18:55
    +3

    Watch 'After Life' on Netflix.
    It may or may not help - but its a good show and worth a watch regardless.

    • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 20:43
      +2

      Never have i laughed and cried more. Thanks.

    • ozbjunkie on 05/05/2020 - 19:19

      Actually such a great idea.

      Writing that can make you laugh and cry in the same episode. Even, the very next scene.

      It's amazing.

  • ProlapsedHeinous on 04/05/2020 - 19:43
    +1

    From experience, it definitely gets easier. the days get less sad. But also just as important, is having some sort of social connection (i know, a bit iffy in this covid environment) to keep your mind occupied, and keep you from thinking too much about it. My mother died 11 years ago, I think probably the first couple of years were the worst, but then eventually you get used to the fact and your mind tends to eventually not dwell on it too much. I wish you all the best.

    • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 20:43
      +2

      Thank you. I agree. Keeping busy is the goal.

  • saintpotter on 04/05/2020 - 20:07
    +2

    Sorry for your loss OP. Wherever your mother is, I'm sure she is looking over you today.

  • brad1-8tsi on 04/05/2020 - 20:34
    +10

    Sorry for your loss.

    My parents died within a few years of each other (and I got a divorce and my job "disapeared" in this period as well). I did the full 5 (or 7) stages of grief often back tracking as a new shovel of poop hit the fan.

    At one stage I was blind with rage at my father for what seem now minor issues.

    Things that got me through:
    My friends. They were supportive and occasionally I'd unload and they'd listen. Occasionally they'd offer some words of wisdom.

    My kids. They were a constant. They were all I had left and I learnt to appreciate that.

    My employer. Sure, they made my job that I liked redundant but they put up with my poor performance in the new job that I landed in (at least for a while).

    My employers Employee Assistance scheme which I made use of a few times. It gave me some quick fix coping mechanisms and an alternate point of view to how I was seeing things.

    My GP: who recommended I see a psychologist.

    My psychologist who gave me coping mechanisms and helped my mathematical brain understand the emotions I was feeling.

    Nothing will ever be the same but you will learn to cope. Personally, I wouldn't try and suppress emotion but treat them like a wave. Let them wash over you and recede. There were a few times in the office where I'd burst into quiet sobbing. My lovely workmates would call across the partition "Do you need a hug" and then the feelings of sorrow would pass.

    It's been 6 & 4 years and I still miss Mum and Dad. It would have been nice to have introduced them to my new partner or see my kids get their first job, etc but that's life (or death).

    Seek some professional help. medicare gives you 10 free psychologists visits after a GP consultation. The hardest part is making the appointment.

    • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 20:54
      +2

      Thank you brad1-8tsi - you always provide good posts and this is no different.

      • brad1-8tsi on 04/05/2020 - 20:58
        +1

        Not always but this is serious stuff that I care about.

        Thanks anyway.

        Good luck and take action. There's no shame in seeking help.

  • MrRobot on 04/05/2020 - 20:54
    +4

    I'm sorry for your loss. My mother also passed away from cancer recently. It has been very difficult for me as I am originally from the United States (I married an Aussie), and due to Covid-19 related travel restrictions I couldn't travel back to the States to be there for her final days, nor could I attend her funeral. I have a fairly poor relationship with my father, and so I have found support through my brothers (even though they are still in the US, I try to message them once every few days). Grieving is different for everyone, but I know that I have felt incredibly isolated, sad and guilty. one of the things that have really helped me is reading people's stories and participating in some of the conversations on the r/Grieving subreddit on Reddit. Hang in there.

  • dins on 04/05/2020 - 22:56
    +1

    Sorry for your loss. Hang in there try to find things to keep you busy. Something like volunteer/charity work as you have already mentioned might help to take your mind off things. Time is a great healer take care and all the best.

  • KeplersLaws on 04/05/2020 - 23:29
    +1

    Sorry to hear. Nothing really aside from the passage of time — have not gone through it yet for a close loved one and am dreading the day it will happen.

    "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." - CS Lewis

  • akyeeeahdude on 04/05/2020 - 23:32
    +1

    Very sorry to hear for your loss. I've been through something similar - last year, I lost my stepdad on April 16 and then my dad on May 4. Both were somewhat unexpected. Doctors gave my stepdad until the end of the year and whilst my Dad was elderly, he was in reasonable health. The loss of my Dad hit me the hardest by far though and I felt similar feelings to you - that no one else could quite understand what I was feeling etc. I have two half brothers who are much older but they weren't all that close with Dad and whilst my sister was close to Dad, she moved out and lived with our Mum during most of high school and then never really saw him much at all until his death (she's soon to be 34 and I'm soon to be 33). After Mum left Dad, I lived with him and he never remarried or got a girlfriend. Even when I was a full-time uni student and working 30 - 38 hours week at the time same time, I'd still go over his place at least twice a week to see help and help him with all the garden work. After some years, he needed to go into care and I'd stop by and see him a couple of times a week.

    How I dealt with it is probably far from optimal - I took a week off work after Dad as that hit me the hardest and then I just kept busy by focusing on family life and work. It still hurts. I go for a cycle a few times a week, for an hour each time and I spend much of this time thinking about Dad. All I can say is that it gets easier as time goes by. Hang in there.

    • salekhard on 04/05/2020 - 23:41
      +1

      Thanks and I feel for you too. Thats tough.

  • LyndonBBear on 05/05/2020 - 00:21
    +1

    I am sorry for your loss and for your feeling of aloneness.
    I am offering my experience in the hope that my story may help you in some way.
    6 years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare cancer, unexpectedly. I had 3 months off work and had radiation and chemo during that time. I was stoic about it all and thought I had coped admirably. Then after all the treatment,I went back to my GP to check in and while recounting the pain and discomfort, I couldn't stop crying. She diagnosed depression - now don't think like I did then that this is just a state of mind, although, really,I suppose it is. But she explained that my treatment had caused a chemical imbalance in my brain, I had used up all my serotonin in getting myself well again and it was depleted. She put me on a low dose antidepressant to build up the missing serotonin. It didn't create significant changes, or zonk me out, although she did say it might help me with my insomnia. I took these for a few years, until I got to the state that I felt I was not needing them anymore and weaned myself off them gradually, no harm done.
    Please, do see your doctor, there is no shame in getting help. Good luck!

    • try2bhelpful on 19/10/2020 - 16:40

      I was rereading my 2016 post on my colonoscopy and read your reply. Thought I would check you were still hanging in there.

      • LyndonBBear on 22/10/2020 - 00:34

        Thanks for checking in. That's very thoughtful of you. If I start a New Conversation addressed to you, with a subject and message, is that a public post? Sorry, I just hang around the fringes around here, and I'm not sure of the protocols.

  • Waheguruji on 05/05/2020 - 08:26
    +1

    I have been through same circumstances like yours and below book really helped me. You can see the reviews and see how many over come same issue after reading this book. Thanks
    https://www.amazon.com/Theres-More-Life-than-This/dp/B00DEKL…

  • ozbjunkie on 05/05/2020 - 08:45
    +4

    You were looking after her, which means you were strong, even while you were in pain. Now that pain must be processed.

    When I lost my grandfather, who I also cared for, I read these words in an article about a man that lost his father: "I always think I could have done more, but the truth is I did enough. Enough to show my love. Enough to get some peace"

    Those words helped me.

    This poem may also ring true. Particularly the first verse. Grief is the other side of love. And in my experience I would not choose to be free of grief if it meant I could not feel the love I still have (and will always have) for my grandfather. http://www.katsandogz.com/gibran/onjoy.php

    Finally, Victor Frankl write a book called "man's search for meaning". The central thesis is that any suffering is bearable if we can find meaning in our suffering. The alternative to you suffering right now is that you would have passed before your mother, and she would suffer, or she could have suffered through her illness alone. But you were there. She suffered less, because you suffer now. Perhaps the meaning in your suffering is that you spared her the pain you now feel. And that is a noble thing.

    What is good, and what feels good, are not always the same. You have done something sacred, caring for someone who is ill is perhaps one of life's highest acts. An act that will bring you peace as you look back on who you were, at this time in your life.

    The grief does fade, and behind that grief is a love that never dies. She is in you. In your heart. In your mind. In your soul. You can speak to her, and inside you, she will speak back.

    Let me know if you ever want to talk.

    My heart goes out to you.

    • BobD on 05/05/2020 - 09:24

      The grief does fade, and behind that grief is a love that never dies. She is in you. In your heart. In your mind. In your soul. You can speak to her, and inside you, she will speak back.

      That is a wonderful line. Just remember it when times get tough. My wife died at age 43 (many years ago). I got over the grief fairly quickly because we did it together before she passed on. I still remember her as she was then and that will never change. I married again to a widow so we have some similar experience and understand each other well. We still both talk about our previous partners.

      • ozbjunkie on 05/05/2020 - 19:16

        How amazing to find love twice. And yet, how tragic to need to search a second time.

        Times will get tough again for me. My grandma is next in line, and mostly already gone to be fair.

        I take a little comfort in the fact that through our words and actions we leave an imprint on those around us. And the ones we will miss the most have left their mark upon us. They change us, we take them into ourselves, and although it feels at times they have left us, if we are careful to look, we see we have become one with them.

        For me, that's what it means to carry the ghosts of one's ancestors. I'm not much of a magical thinker. But then again, you don't have to be. Life is not a solitary pursuit. Life is shared. And in being shared, cannot be unshared. Their life is within you. In some way, you are one.

        Doesn't always stop the tears. But it reminds me that as I weep I am never truly alone.

  • User210686 on 05/05/2020 - 08:52
    +2

    I’m sorry for your loss. My mom got hit by a car and left us suddenly almost 2 years ago at the age of 54. My sister in her 20s lived at home and mom was her best friend, so she went through tough times like you. She had to take months off her work.
    I left home when I went to college, so after she’s gone the reality didn’t really hit me until I went back home and saw how different everything was now at home. It looked as if she would come home at any time. Still it was unspeakably difficult to cope with even tho I didn’t live with her for the last 15 years because we were very close. My sister is still struggling especially we are still in the midst of lawsuit.
    Time will definitely ease the pain. I also adopted two kittens and they have helped me emotionally. Also knowing that other people suffered a lot more (e.g. losing 3 young kids altogether) made me feel we weren’t alone in tragedy.

    • BobD on 06/05/2020 - 08:45
      +1

      It's the sudden deaths that hit hardest. Back in 1965 one of my younger brothers died in a traffic accident. Us four remaining brothers went on a p!ssup for a week. Then it was back to reality of jobs and work. We rarely talk about him now but he is always there and hasn't aged.

      • SlavOz on 07/05/2020 - 18:43

        Heh, I had to laugh at this. I think the way you and your brothers dealt with it (and the way you explained it) is beautiful. Shit happens but sometimes it's healthy to force yourself to have a good time. Hope you all got on a little better as the years went by.

        I agree that a sudden death would be unimaginable. To be honest, it's my only fear in life. Nothing else really bothers me but the notion that I or someone I know may leave the front door and never return is just nerving.

        The upside to this is that I tend to be fairly OK with "planned deaths". I've lost all my grandparents, a few friends, and 3 uncles to ongoing illnesses/old age and I was fine. It was sad on the day but I was OK 24 hours later. Given how many young people lose their lives today, someone in their 60s dying of a long term illness is really not much of a tragedy. Life happens. They had their turn to live a fairly long one so it's time for those left behind to do the same instead of dwelling.

        If I die in my 60s or 70s I really won't hold grief towards anything. That's a damn good run for anyone.

  • OZB Al on 05/05/2020 - 09:07
    +1

    Have a look at the quotes from It's OK that you're not OK and of you think it could help but the book.

    "Some things cannot be fixed; they can only be carried. Grief like yours, love like yours, can only be carried."

  • Nautilis on 05/05/2020 - 09:17
    +1

    I am so sorry for your loss and understand your deep grief. I had the same happen to me with my mum 6 weeks ago. What helped me was not looking too far ahead ie taking it one day at a time and doing what I need to do as it comes up. So I look at what tasks need doing at work/home and do them one at a time. I can't multitask at present so I don't and I am slower and distracted but find doing one step at a time works for me. Would it help to talk to a grief counsellor? You can get a mental health care plan from your GP although I don't know how many medicare sessions, and talk it thorough. I also find making sure I connect with a friend/friends daily just talking about ordinary things gives some help. I don't know that we ever get over someone who's died that we loved deeply, I think we learn to live with it and more forward with life. I hope this helps.

  • suntap on 05/05/2020 - 11:30
    +1

    I am sorry for your loss. I lost my 15yo daughter and I still think of her every minute of every day. I don't think you ever "get over it", you just learn to live with it. The hole is my heart is still there, but I have built new life, new love and new memories around that hole, so that it isn't the only thing in my heart now.
    You wont miss her or think of her any less, but as days do go on you will be able to think of her without the tears and remember the good times and love shared with your mother.
    It does help to talk to a psychologist as grief is such a complex issue and no two people feel the same. Do not be too hard on yourself, you don't have to finish grieving in a certain time or grieve the same way your siblings do. Accept it as something inevitable and normal and one day you will just realise that you are starting to smile again.
    Keep safe and well.

  • tabitha731 on 05/05/2020 - 20:16
    +1

    Theres no definitive way to “just get over it”, yes time does heal wounds, but you shouldnt feel like you’re in a rush to finish grieving. Everyone grieves in different ways, and different durations. Allow yourself some time to absorb what has happened, take time away from work if u can, just enjoy some tome to yourself and readjust what you want fir yourself

  • rowenaduncan on 06/05/2020 - 08:46
    +3

    Something I read that has always stuck with me…

    “Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.

    I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes.

    My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

    As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

    In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

    Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

    • salekhard on 06/05/2020 - 16:15

      Thanks, that was very beautiful.

  • zine21 on 06/05/2020 - 16:37

    I'm sorry for your loss this is a very hard situation to be in, so try to be kind to yourself. I've been in (and I guess am) in your situation with a parent with lung cancer. My advice is to try and gather a support network - I know its tough with the lockdown and given your siblings weren't close with your mother you may feel like you can't talk to them
    however their relationship with your mother isn't important - you're the one whos grieving and you're the one who needs help - so if you have a good relationship with them, maybe let them know that you're struggling.
    If thats not an option there are support networks online that helps connect people going through the same things which may help - I found these to be a little too overwhelming truth be told, I found distraction worked better for me - maybe an online game? but everyone is different. Definitely don't bottle up your emotions - express them to someone even if it is to an online forum and then take it one day at a time. It does get better at least with time, no it won't hurt any less but you develop a harder shell. Hope you find some peace and comfort soon.

  • Connected on 06/05/2020 - 16:39

    I'm sorry about your loss and not sure if I can offer your any advice, I guess it's something we all have to go through sometime in our lives. But if you live alone and work at home and if your situation allows, getting a pet might help fill your emptiness and keep you occupied.

  • lonewolf on 06/05/2020 - 18:18

    Loss usually seems to hit people around 6 weeks onwards for a variety of reasons. I lost my dad and had so much family and friends coming over for the first 4-5 weeks so possibly its because of that. But also because you still in a way expect to see them again soon, it takes time to really get over the shock and realise you will never see them again. In a way its better if people start visiting you after a month or 2 when you really start struggling with it all rather than during the initial shock period where you are perhaps a bit numb. At least that was my experience with the loss of my dad.

  • DiscoJango on 06/05/2020 - 18:28
    +1

    Get a cat. Then you wont be lonely. You can talk to cat all day, it wont judge you. It might ignore you, but it feels like someone is listening.

  • Mosher on 06/05/2020 - 18:40
    +1

    When my mother passed away about 5 years ago I found it tough going for awhile

    All I can suggest is remember the good times you had togeather and nobody is gone as long as you speak their name

  • Gamer Dad Reviews on 06/05/2020 - 19:08
    +1

    Try diffusing Lavender oil. All day and all night. While you work, while you sleep. It really works to reduce emotitiveness.
    Use a nice ultrasonic humidifier/diffuser.

  • sottovoce on 06/05/2020 - 19:08

    I am sincerely sorry about your loss salekhard. I've gone through my mum's cancer for the past few years, and things has turned for the worse on Monday when I've been told she has 2-4 weeks left. I have griefed at many stages over the years, but I know nothing will prepare me for what is to come. It makes it all so difficult when she is overseas, and I've spent the past few days trying to get approval from Border Security to travel to see her, as well as trying to get permission from the authorities in the country she's at to allow me time to see her during the 14 day mandantory quarantine period over there. The limited availability of flights within AU also makes it a challenge. I blame COVID19 - especially for destrying my mum's spirit and hope that she won't get to see me and her grandkids again, of which I believe is the main cause of her downward spiral the past few weeks. I hoe to make it in time. God bless, I will keep you in my prayers and I wish you well.

    • salekhard on 07/05/2020 - 00:44

      heymate, it's tough, and as much as i thought i was prepared, i wasnt emotionally. All I can say is hang in there, and have some good friends around you. I give you all the best wishes i have - best of luck.

  • lai on 06/05/2020 - 19:22

    I feel sorry about your loss. We all will/do go through this. It's grateful many people show support.

    Sometimes feel alone but not alone. It never be the same again. Many years pass, still remember the old days we used to be. It makes me try to live with less regret if I suddenly pass away.

    Take your time to go through it. No rush, just remember there are many people/things around you.

  • HeWhoKnows on 06/05/2020 - 19:30
    +1

    2 months is not a long time after a death

    What you are experiencing is quite normal.
    It shows true love for your mum.

    What you need to accept is that she was SUFFERING from the cancer
    It must have been terrible and painful for her.
    But what you must accept is that its finally all over now for her.
    She has been released from her pain and suffering and is in a better world.
    You need to be happy for her.
    If you can accept this your pain for her will also heal quickly

    Rest assured time heals all wounds.

  • Name on 06/05/2020 - 19:54

    Seek help from a therapist if it's overwhelming. My wife's dad died and after 8 months of not moving on, she sought help and was able to move on in life.

  • Trying2SaveABuck on 06/05/2020 - 20:02
    +1

    As someone who lost a parent to cancer well before there time all i can say is you never get over it you just learn to live with it but that comes with time - the 1st year is the hardest because it is the first xmas, birthday etc that they are gone and your coming to terms it will never be the way it was again

  • MessyG on 06/05/2020 - 20:38
    +1

    My advice OP, is to cry all the time. And don't be afraid of crying and crying and crying some more. It's okay to not be okay, this is grief, and you've lost the anchor in your life. My Dad died of cancer when I was 19 and he was 53 and at the time I felt like there was no point to living. I truly felt like life had no point at all, for such a long time. In time that gigantic universe sized hole in your heart fills into become a big crater, and eventually you begin to feel like you in your own skin again. But it takes a long time, and it takes patience, and most importantly, allowing you to let your feelings out, all of them. The sadness, the rage, the hopelessness, the dark laughter. If you don't let these out, you don't process them and they consume you. Keep crying OP, it's completely normal and okay. This is how we process things, and trust me, it's much much better out than in. Forcing it down means it comes out in other ways, in severe anxiety, in nastiness, in addiction, in severe depression and hopelessness. Allow yourself to be a human and grieve that which should be grieved. Your lost your Mum, way too young. All of those years you were supposed to have together, all of the many things she was, that whole world of a human. She should be grieved, you have every right to. Stay in it as long as you like. Keep talking to your GP to check in. And remember when you wonder if you're ever going to stop crying, that you're not broken and you don't need fixing. You're wounded and you need healing. Be patient and kind with yourself, and cry until you can't cry anymore, then keep crying. You will find yourself again in time.

  • userid007 on 07/05/2020 - 01:32
    +1

    Hi mate stay strong. I can understand your pain. Having lost my dear dad , I still get him in my dreams and do think about him even though it was 16 years ago . It’s some thing you can never completely over with. How ever I am married now and have 2 kids who bring joy into life. I can tell you what helped me - doing the things I love ( hobbies ) Etc. Get busy in life and you might find happiness in something you like. Watch sadguru videos in YouTube. Helped me to go through a tough phase.

  • tasty-falafel on 07/05/2020 - 07:35

    I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my mum a bit over 5 years ago so I understand some of emotions and feelings that you are experiencing, however I can only imagine those being exacerbated by the COVID situation.

    Instead of repeating what many others have said (and are correct) I thought I will leave you with something that I read that really helped bring me some perspective through my time of loss, and as the time has gone on I've found it to be very much true.

    Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

    I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

    As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

    In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

    Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

    Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

    Credit - GSnow on Reddit

  • Buckshot on 07/05/2020 - 08:47

    OP, I'm sorry for your loss- I can't fathom losing a parent yet. I've tried to play the scenario through in my head and it's too much for me- with an almost 2 year old that they adore.

    I lost my cousin to suicide almost 3 years ago and my uncle (his Dad) 2 years before that. Watching my Aunty struggle with PTSD as a result has been painful but the grief I was hit with was immense. I watched my cousin grow up, spent weekends with his family all the time and made the best memories. Losing his Dad in an accident due to complications from Leukaemia was hard enough but then to get hit by the suicide of his Son two years after- too much. I didn't feel normal for a long time. I had my teary moments… still do. As others have said though, time heals all wounds. You might be able to go back to that place, re-live it and feel the emotion of it all but time, the business of life and other more pertinent things that come to the forefront will steal your attention away.

    You won't forget them but the rawness of the pain will subside.

    I also made use of my Employers Assistance Program. I recommend you do the same if you access to one. Otherwise- book in with a grief councillor.

  • MaJo on 08/05/2020 - 22:12
    +1

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    As this kind of situation is really tough when it comes to mother's death. I cannot even imagine how can I overcome mine if in case I will have the same situation. But I hope mine will be not so soon! My mother is considered as one of my everything.

    For me, is that maybe prayers, time and make yourself busy are the things that you can do.
    Prayers that your mother is having a rest in peace and that God may give you strength to overcome this.
    Give yourself TIME to grieve, to cry all the pain until you feel so tired that you cannot even cry. (sometimes its okay to feel that too)
    Make yourself busy so you wont have the time to think of the memories with your mom, but it doesnt mean that you have to forget her. Just focus on your goal and on your future.

    Hope you will be fine soon! God Bless!

  • po1nt on 20/05/2020 - 13:24
    +1

    Sorry to hear about your loss….
    Cancer services and hospitals typically have bereavement counseling.
    Might be worthwhile calling the unit/hospital and seeing if they can link you up with someone that specialises in grief.

    It is not easy and it is a sign of strength that you realise something is not quite right and are looking for help.

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