Hardest Stage of Baby/Parenting?

Gloomy on 12/09/2023 - 16:29
Last edited 12/09/2023 - 16:34 by 1 other user

Hi parents. We just have our 3 week old now and mentally, we’re really overwhelmed and struggling on the lifestyle change. We are sleep deprived (hard to calm down our bub between 3-5am) and really tired on catching up on our daily chores. Wife is still struggling on bf (pain and soreness) and leg pain from birthing.

My inlaws tried to visit us few weeks ago (helping on cuddling and letting bub sleep) but we felt more tired attending them (cleaning and preparing etc) though, we can nap during day time.

Now I’m thinking if I let my parents go visit us this Oct or maybe wait until bub is 5-6 months old. Just worried about wife’s mental health when I go back to work as we feel alone at home.

We also have some friends support which are also parents but sometimes we cannot see them as their kids are sick. Just seeking for personal experiences from you guys on which stage our scenario will likely improve? Cheers

Toys & Kids

Comments

Motek Benzona on 12/09/2023 - 19:59

From birth until about….Well at least 18

After 18 you might het lucky but they still are hard work

Dont let anyone lie to you and say this is not true
My kids are 24,12 and 7
Drakesy on 12/09/2023 - 20:40

Finding someone else to parent with.
Thats pretty hard
kawinuyo on 12/09/2023 - 21:19

+1

2 and 7 year old here. The younger years I find are the toughest physically and then as they get older it's more a mental and emotional thing. There's some study that shows when you have a kid it wrecks your sleep for 5 years.
capslock janitor on 12/09/2023 - 22:41

dont got kids yet but probably that shitting and cryin stage

try this magic baby hack :) https://youtu.be/j2C8MkY7Co8?t=17
lainey13 on 12/09/2023 - 22:43

Stuff the chores, get a cleaner or lower the standards for a while. Get mum to sleep in bed longer. No point getting up after 8 hours if you've been up 4 times… stay in bed longer or have naps. Get that sleep in! Yes it get easier sleep wise. Then they get more annoying (I have a terrible two year old… ok, just normal, but tantrums and defiance is a different kettle of fish to simple sleep deprivation).
netjock on 12/09/2023 - 23:34

Got one that is 2.5 yo now.

Your sleep won't get better until 6 months when they start to have longer sleep (between 6 - 8hrs rather than 3-4hrs and having to feed and change). Between 6 - 12 months had to feed them at 11pm milk then they'd wake up at 4am for another feed, most fun in the middle of winter). At about 8 months they can have cooked oats which makes it better because they feel fuller.

Problem around 9 months is they stand up in the cot and refuse to go to sleep. 12 months it gets better with longer stretches of sleep.

If you are having serious problems with sleep or you think baby is not settling quickly to sleep suggest to look into sleep school. It will help from 3 months until about 9 months. An extra 2 hrs a day makes a massive difference.
pipboy on 13/09/2023 - 00:07

+1

A lot of good advice above. For us the sleep deprivation was bad for the first 4-5 months before the kids started to develop a sleep routine.

Forget about providing your in laws with any hospitality. Just spell out what you need and use them to support your wife so she can rest during the day. Better to invite her parents rather than yours as she’ll feel more comfortable around them.

Definitely play tag team during the night so you can both get a bit of rest. We used an electric milk pump and stored some milk in the fridge so the wife wouldn’t have to get up for every feed.

If the baby just isn’t settling you can get a GP referral to a service like Tresilian which helped us immensely with our first. But most babies are going to be hard to manage sleep wise at only 3 weeks.

This really is the hardest bit because of the sleep deprivation, it may feel overwhelming now but it only gets easier.
jv on 13/09/2023 - 00:14

+5

I used to get up for our first one… He was bottle fed and settled quickly after his milk and change of nappy. It left my wife get some sleep to handle him during the day…

With the second one, he only wanted breast milk, so it was my turn to sleep in… Luckily he was a chilled kid during the day, unlike the first one…

3 weeks is still early… Give it another 3 weeks to see if they begin to settle more…

Take naps during the day when you can… (usually when they do)

edit : we always played the same 'sleep music' for them for the first few years… It helped then settle quickly…
I had a cd of Baroque music…
- nosey on 13/09/2023 - 21:11
  
  Yeah we used a similar lullaby youtube clip for a good year, that soothed me to sleep as well.
Kelsy on 13/09/2023 - 01:02

The first month is often the worst for parents, hence the maternity and paternity leave! 12 months marks the milestone and gets better till they are mini teenagers…
We had the privilege to employ a stay-in confinement nanny for our first child. Both myself and wife could sleep very well through the night with baby taken care by nanny and most meals prepared and cooked by the nanny.
As for our subsequent child, unfortunately can’t afford the confinement nanny… here are some tips.
1) no parents, in-laws or relatives especially from overseas… less entertaining or trying to please them!
2) your wife can BF in the day which is usually 3-4hours interval. As for overnight (dream feed around 12am-2am) use baby formula, your kid will generally learn to “stretch” their feed/sleep to 5-6 hours allowing you and wife to rest better. Baby generally less feels cranky. Formula feed helps against with jaundice (if any).
3) shift work arrangements with your wife.
4) read up on post natal depression, your wife needs your emotional support.
5) look for/Google on mobile post pregnancy masseuse in your area. Helps your wife alleviate the pains.
After the first 2 months, everything will be much more stable, manageable and predictable.
In the meantime, most important, learn to enjoy and cherish every moment of fatherhood.
Overclocked91 on 13/09/2023 - 06:59

+3

We just went through what you're going through. Mine is 15 weeks old now. It definitely gets easier/better as you figure out what each cry and noise means. Ours sleeps 7-9 hours a night now (approx). Whereas before she was up every 2-3 hours religiously. I do the bigger tasks around the house but also work full-time. My wife is a stay-at-home mum so she entertains the baby and sees family and friends through the day but she does all of the night stuff so I can rest as I provide the only financial income for the house.

White noise is the go, also know your passing wind and burping exercises for the baby as they will be handy as most of the time its wind or burping.
alexthebargainman on 13/09/2023 - 07:17

+4

3 weeks is too early to expect any different. Dad of 2YO and 10 week old here. You won't start getting any extended sleeping beyond 3 hours at a time till at least 8 weeks and even then it depends on the baby. Hang in there - you will adjust to the new normal. Life revolves around your kid(s) now :)
batfastard on 13/09/2023 - 07:24

+1

Hardest part of parenting?

All of it.

You never run out of challenges as they grow, you just get new challenges.

Reference : father of 5, youngest is now 16.
Sinnerator on 13/09/2023 - 07:50

+1

getting laughed at by people who chose NOT to have kids
LOL
sorry, not helpful I know
giggle
Hector on 13/09/2023 - 07:58

For the for six months. Mum takes care of the baby, dad takes care of mum, family takes care of the house
Leiothrix on 13/09/2023 - 08:03

-2

If you think babies are tough wait until they are a teenager.
morse on 13/09/2023 - 08:04

+4

Another comment as my last one was very brief. My greatest support when my baby was little was my mum’s group. I met them when bub was 4 weeks at the child health clinic. Other than the info the child health nurses and midwives give, I met this group of mums with babies the same age. I’m still in regular contact with about 15 of these mums at age 4. We have chat groups and see each other multiple times a week (particularly when he was a young baby. We talk about everything! Sleeping, breastfeeding, sex, periods returning, second pregnancies, parents passing away, behaviours, immunisations, first viruses, day care, school options. We are so incredibly tight and also do kid free nights out for just the mums.

If your partner can find a group like this I’d highly recommend it. Whilst it’s still hard, we all have each others back. If I needed someone to take my 4yo for a few hours I’d have multiple options within 10mins drive. I’ve been there for the other mums to cuddle a crying baby and make a coffee and vice versa. We all need support and if she doesn’t already have these networks, if she can find at least one other mum it will help a lot.

I don’t know where you’re located but if you let me know where you live I’ll send you some links to where you might find similar.
afah0447 on 13/09/2023 - 08:22 Comment score below threshold.
343 on 13/09/2023 - 08:56

+3

I have a 2 yr old and have been through the phase you are going through now.
If someone offers help simply say YES. For example, a friend offers to do laundry for you or clean the house. It may not be the way you prefer but it is getting done.
Dont stress about attending to others, leave the chores nothing is going to burn down. Rest when you can.
Get the inlaws back and let them do things own their own around the house.
No one is going to judge you, you have just taken on a big responsibility and you should be proud of it.
Odin on 13/09/2023 - 09:13

+4
Forget chores. Pointless. Doesn't matter. You'll figure out what the bare minimum is and that's ok

Don't entertain people. Not family, not anyone.

Same with cleaning. Figure out the bare minimum. It doesn't matter.

Sounds like you're putting too much pressure on yourselves.
taradavey on 13/09/2023 - 09:17

+20

Holy Moly. Most of these comments on this thread are people trying to one-up each others pain, or difficulty, or tiredness.

OP It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and I'm sorry that you're feeling like you're struggling. It's a huge change, and it's difficult for anybody to go through such a major change, regardless of circumstances.

I've heard from lots of different friends which stage they found the hardest. The answer was different for every person, and every baby.
It's impossible to know when your situation might improve. But it will. You will adjust.

Ignore EVERY comment that says: "If you think this is tough, wait until they are a toddler/older child/early teen/teenager/young adult." When you're 10 years in the future you're not going to be able to feel the exact way you do now, the human brain is amazing at forgetting the bad parts, and you can't replicate physical/emotional state, so people saying this can't ever accurately compare.

Ignore EVERY comment that says: "You think your situation is tough, I had twins/triplets/octuplets and there was covid/bushfires/major floods/world war II" because NONE of this is relevant to your situation at all. They had their struggles (which all would have been very difficult, not to dismiss or discount anybody's pain), you have yours. Comparing does absolutely nothing, knowing about other's pain doesn't make yourself any easier.

Every stage of a child's life has amazing, beautiful, fun moments, and hard, upsetting moments. But the beauty always outweighs the difficulty.

My only advice (Apart from ignoring most other people's advice haha) is to monitor mental health.
Your wife has so many hormones running through her tired body, which has just grown and birthed a whole human being, Postpartum depression can affect at any time, and if you suspect she's not herself, ensure you're there to help push her towards getting some help. Sometimes (often) women don't know that it's happening and may be putting guilt/pressure on themselves to 'feel better' without even considering that it could be postpartum.
Also, your own mental health. You can't help your family if you are struggling to get by, day to day.

I wish you all the best!
Nicoletta on 13/09/2023 - 09:23

+2

Those early weeks are so so hard. It will get easier!

I’d recommend a lactation consultant if BF is proving difficult - it may work out, it may not, and either way your baby will be ok.

Do the bare minimum chores for a while. Get a cleaner, laundry service or meal prep service if that would make sense for you.

Six weeks is often when “they” say things start to settle and things get easier.

I always found the stages come and go - whatever you’re finding hard now won’t last!
Benoulli on 13/09/2023 - 09:38

+3

Hi! 12 week old here and your story sounds similar to ours, those first few weeks were an absolute nightmare for us so I totally sympathize.

When baby is not settling at night she might need more milk? For us it turned out that mum was not producing enough milk for bf and bub was getting frustrated and pushing herself off. You could try bottle feeding or cup feeding when she is restless and see if that makes a difference? For us as soon as we started giving bubs top-ups she immediately started sleeping better.

My wife found it really hard to decide to start giving our baby formula as well as bf, but in the end it made things so much better and baby was so much happier for it.

Not sure whether your bub is having a similar problem, but that was our experience, otherwise I would advise just sleeping whenever you can, and if chores suffer for it then so be it, mental health is too important at this stage.
- jellykingdom on 14/09/2023 - 08:37
  
  Ditto, we ended up splitting between bf and formula.
Viper8 on 13/09/2023 - 09:40

+2

Despite what most of the people here are saying, the first 4 or so months is generally recognised by experts as being the most difficult time, as you never get more than a few hours of very broken sleep, and when awake, baby needs constant attention. Hang in there, it DOES get a little (not a lot) easier.

When your parents or the inlaws visit, you really need to pull the new parents card. Don't tidy up just for them. Get them to bring the lunch. And once bub is a few months old and you're somewhat comfortable, get them to take baby 1 day a week if that's possible. It's honestly a lifesaver. We should have started doing this much earlier on.

You can do it.

Edit: from day 1 we went on daily walks with the pram. Getting out of the house is essential for your mental and physical health. Don't stay cooped up. 1 year on and we walk to the playground every day.
Bilby s on 13/09/2023 - 09:56

+2

After 23 years, I still have nightmares of the first few months! It will get better but remember: 1. Get sleep whenever you can, anytime during the day or night 2. Use appliances to help with washing, laundry et. in fact anything that makes it easier around the home. 3. Watch for signs of emerging depression (it happens as the body tries to normalise hormones) 4. Openly get friends, neighbours and family to help esp if they’ve been though it. 5. Get some fresh air and daylight daily and finally feel blessed that you have some little angels.
- Lentiki on 14/09/2023 - 13:18
  
  Second this! Especially the getting neighbours/ friends/ family to help. No one can resist babies! And I'd be more than happy to cuddle a baby. Every child is different, parenting is the hardest job we will ever have to do and it is completely okay to ask for help. It's all guesswork to be honest, are they hungry? Are they thirsty? Are they wet? Is their tummy sore? Maybe they just want a cuddle? My advice - sleep when baby sleeps, don't sweat the small stuff - dust protects the surface beneath.
  
  As an aside, if mum is breastfeeding, maybe keep an eye on her diet? It may be exacerbating colic - my son was not a happy camper if I ate onions, cabbage, lentils, green beans, etc. Dairy may also be an issue?
sintro on 13/09/2023 - 10:31

Read the baby calm book for some tips.
https://www.amazon.com.au/BabyCalmTM-Parents-Techniques-Feed…

It should be available in your local library.

I would avoid also any intervention that may overwhelm the newborn and interfere with suckling instincts.

Get some bf advice from lactation consultants. If interested I can send you some resources, pm me.
kaleidoscope on 13/09/2023 - 10:40

Hardest Stage of Baby/Parenting?

It never gets easier, everyday/week is a new challenge…

For the sleepless nights… Would be best to take turns in taking care of the baby. If it helps let other person sleep on a different room so they dont always wake up when other one is doing their thing. I'm afraid its going to be the case until couple of months' time and the bub settles down a bit better on their own.
If your parents / inlaws are still very fit and in good health and can take care of a new born on their own atleast during day time such as cleaning/ bottle feeding or so, having them over would be good. But if they are also weak and needs your help in certain matters it will mostly make you guys more tired. So if thats the case try to get some help from friends and family around for one off things such as chores (not related to the baby)

Good luck and always be supportive of your partner and it goes a really long way!
ribze1 on 13/09/2023 - 10:45

+2
Try this book - Save Our Sleep by Tizzie Hall.

We didn't stick fully to it as my wife didn't want to be so regimented but it was useful for us.

I have a three year old and my youngest just turned one. It was really tough being a new parent, my wife and I never fought so much in the first month, i put it down to the sleep depravation and being overwhelmed. He was a bad sleeper right up until he turned one, waking every 2-3 houses. Best night we had was 5 hours without waking. Then one night it was really bad and we just let him scream and cry, he eventually feel asleep of course. That night broke the camels back and from that point on we let him cry it out and he learned to self settle and within a week was sleeping through the night, it was heaven.

Things we did wrong with number one, and didn't do (well minimised) with number two:

allowing him to fall asleep on the boob, this creates dependency on mum as a sleep tool

further to above allowing him to fall asleep in our bed, meaning we had to move him in to the cot which 50% of the time would wake him up

rocking to sleep, again creates a dependency. When baby gets over 5kgs you feel it doing this for 10+ minutes, kills your back

Ironically our one year old still isn't sleeping through the night but only wakes once and has done so for many months, we give him a bottle and he's right back to sleep so it's ok. Beginning to wean him though so smaller bottle feeds and upping the food intake as much as we can.

My other tips:

music for white noise, we use the ABC Kids Listen app on an old phone, "Dream Time"

make sure they're warm (and cool) enough

create a night time routine. Bath > read > feed > bed, and stick to a time as much as possible. Even to this day we'll say to friends who want to have dinner with us that it has to be at 5-6 so that we can have the kids in bed by 7:30 at the latest
Ashless on 13/09/2023 - 10:48

My inlaws tried to visit us few weeks ago (helping on cuddling and letting bub sleep) but we felt more tired attending them (cleaning and preparing etc)

Your inlaws should be there to help. They will understand (as they had kids!) if the house is not up to your usual standard.
fortune500 on 13/09/2023 - 11:00

+6

if 10/10 is the most difficult then i would say

0-3 months 10/10 (no sleep, if child gets sick you are limited in what you can do, low fever can even be cause for concern) depression is common. hard to juggle work, sleep and feeding
3-6 months (8/10)
6 months to 2 years (7/10) constant sickness especially if in pre school which means whole house is sick
2-5 years (5/10) constant sickness especially if in pre school which means whole house is sick
5-11 years (2/10) these are the best years…child goes to school, they can talk, make decisions, get less sick, go fishing or camping with you, go shopping with you, gain friends etc
12-18 (5/10) teenage years. Always something to worry about
b0rnwithabeard on 13/09/2023 - 11:13

honestly it doesn't - you just eventually exchange one set of bullshit problems for another set of bullshit problems.

But seriously though, go see a sleep specialist. when my boy was a few months old, he never slept for more than 45 minutes at a time between crying his head off. Quite literally almost caused both my wife and i to have a mental breakdown. We were told there'd be a waiting list, but we couldn't wait, so we borrowed some money and went private. It costs a boatload, but it was worth every single cent. We went from a house of 3 broken people, to a week later us calling our sleep specialist because we were suddenly worried he was sleeping TOO much.
hopper on 13/09/2023 - 11:45

Few more weeks and u will get used to this. Remember its just the beginning.
ali15 on 13/09/2023 - 12:30

+1

Generally 3 months is when the routine really sticks… but the first 6 weeks is the hardest for lack of sleep.
If bub is crying / unsettled after food - I would be looking into whether it is gas / reflux or allergies. Allergies could be from food you are eating -if fed with "mums milk" or due to types of formulas.

since it is so early on - there are usually free baby assistance clinics, particularly in the first 6 weeks dependant upon where you are - including lactation consultants in multiple locations, after 6 weeks - it is usually a bit further to access the free clinics - but they are still around.
ie. in QLD : https://www.qld.gov.au/health/children/babies/clinics

Also look up some fb groups for support - something along the naming convention of "Aussie Babies born August / September 2023"
Gowrie29 on 13/09/2023 - 13:03

+2

You will have appointments with your maternal and child health nurse coming up. Use these people. They know every single resource you have access to. Most will be free run through their own centre.

We just had our 2nd child four months and just had an appointment today. The nurse reeled off 6 different services and pieces of godly advice that will help us greatly.
- tikei on 13/09/2023 - 16:15
  
  My nurse was rubbish with her advice that doesn't work. Searching on forum boards where many other mums have participated in was what worked for me.
  - Gowrie29 on 13/09/2023 - 21:02
    
    +2
    
    I'm sorry you had that experience. It is possible to request another nurse if the one you have is not a good fit.
    
    I hope it's all going well now for you.
FrugalDealHunter on 13/09/2023 - 13:10

+1

Things WILL get better. Dont overthink it. Do what you can. Enjoy the ride.
Therage on 13/09/2023 - 13:11

+2

No beating around the bush here, first kid is rough. The adjustment to being a parent + no sleep is a real nightmare.

The first couple of months are the hardest but once you have a routine setup things do get a lot easier.

There are a lot of milestones that you hit and with each one things get a little easier.

The first one for us was 4-6 months old, once the baby is sleeping solidly through the night. The only advice I can give you here is sleep train them as soon as they are ready, once you get your sleep back the days become a lot more bearable. We trained the oldest too late and then we did the youngest too early but from around 6 months there is no reason you cant have your nights back.
ruddiger7 on 13/09/2023 - 14:02

Check out Sleep by Steph. We read her ebooks and implemented what she taught and our newborn has been sleeping 12-13 hours each night from 3 months old. In those initial weeks/months though your baby will wake up more in the night as they need to feed more often due (smaller stomachs = more frequent feeds). It does get a lot better. Hang in there and try and ask family for help when you need it even if it's help preparing some meals or cleaning the house or watching bub for a few hrs. Routine is very important, babys get used to routine over time.
Sensiekatie on 13/09/2023 - 14:09

+2

The midwife said to.me on day 3 that it only gets better from here. He's 36 and I am still waiting for it to get better.

Seriously though, each life stage brings a different challenge. Not all are as overwhelming as this newborn stage though. Those first 5-6 weeks were just like one never ending long day for me. I felt better when I could get a night of unbroken sleep which was about 5 weeks.

If your wife is having issues with breast feeding (even just a lack of confidence), I would suggest she seeks the support of a lactation consultant. I believe it isn't covered by Medicare, but it is well worth it.

I know it is hard right now, but babies pick up our stress. So the lack of sleep, being overwhelmed, and having periods where they are unsettled makes you more stressed and the baby picks it up and ups their level of unsettled behaviour. This cycle continues. Also a stressed Mumma affects breastfeeding quality. A lactation consultant will help with the feeding. Also seek out information about sleep training and settling baby.

I know the current advice is to have the baby in your room for 6-12 months. This doesn't work for everyone - they make quite a bit of noise through the night but this does not mean they need to be picked up. If you do pick up with just a whimper, you are disturbing their sleep too and everyone is sleep deprived. When baby makes a noise, pause and see if they are really seeking you. That is, wait until it's an actual cry lasting more than 10-20 seconds. Ensure that you have a routine that lets them know to go to sleep at night. Right now, it is too early to expect an all night sleep, but setting up that routine now and letting them sleep as long as possible (ie don't wake them up to feed during the night - let them let you know it's time). With growth, the length of sleep will increase and a solid 8 hours or even more should occur naturally.

I know.it.seems to be old fashioned, but we are babying our babies too much. They need a routine. Our niece is married to a Kenyan. His expectations are very old school. Their son was sleeping through the night from 5-6 weeks (that used to be the expected age). At 20 months, he went down at night for a 12 to 13 hour sleep and had been for quite some time. His Dad is quite.disciplined with him. It is refreshing. That kid is expected to behave as his Dad sees as appropriate.
sharka on 13/09/2023 - 14:10

+1

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling overwhelmed. Adjusting to parenthood, especially with your first child, can indeed be an enormous shift. It sounds like you're trying to find the best balance between seeking help and maintaining your own space. Here are some thoughts that might help:

On Deciding When to Have Visitors
Clear Boundaries: If you do decide to have your parents visit in October, set clear boundaries about what you need from them in terms of support. Make sure they know that the visit is primarily to help you out, not a social visit.
Helpers not Guests: Encourage them to be "helpers" rather than "guests". They should be self-sufficient and help with chores, cooking, and taking care of the baby rather than adding to your workload.
Short Visits: Consider shorter, more frequent visits instead of long stays. This way, you can have a break without the pressure of hosting someone for a long time.

On Coping with the Initial Months
Take Turns: Try to take turns with your wife in attending to the baby, especially during the wee hours, so that each of you gets some uninterrupted sleep.
Community Resources: Look for community resources that might be able to assist you. Some areas have volunteer or paid services that can help new parents with childcare or household chores.
Therapy and Counseling: Consider seeking therapy or counseling if you find that your mental health is significantly impacted. Sometimes talking to a professional can provide valuable perspective and coping strategies.

On Your Wife's Recovery
Physical Health: Encourage your wife to see a healthcare provider for her physical symptoms if she hasn't already. They might be able to offer treatments or solutions for her pain and breastfeeding difficulties.
Breastfeeding Support: Look for local or online support groups or lactation consultants who can provide assistance and guidance with breastfeeding.

On Friend Support
Virtual Connections: Consider setting up virtual connections with your friends who are also parents. Sometimes just having a chat and sharing experiences can be uplifting.
Flexible Plans: When you make plans to meet up with friends, keep them flexible to accommodate unexpected challenges like sick kids.

Milestones to Look Forward To
3-4 months: Babies often start to have slightly more predictable sleep patterns around this age, and some may start sleeping for longer stretches at night.
6 months: Around this age, babies start to have more established routines, and you might find that you can predict their needs a bit more easily, which can lessen the stress somewhat.

Remember: Every baby is different, and it might take a bit longer for your family to find a rhythm that works for you. It's okay to feel overwhelmed, and it's okay to ask for help. You are doing a great job in a very challenging situation. It's a tough time, but it won't last forever. You've got this!
bigsaver on 13/09/2023 - 14:10

First 6 months are the worst..hang in there..now is the time to rely on extended family and true friends to give you some support
dlakers3peat on 13/09/2023 - 14:18

+1

all of it. it's a never ending nightmare.
- OzzyOzbourne on 13/09/2023 - 15:22
  
  Except waking up is the bad part 😅
tsunamisurfer on 13/09/2023 - 14:29

OP.

Here are some things that I tried that worked.

1st born was a horrible sleeper, he fought sleep even when tired. What worked was a rocker in conjunction with a strict schedule. The rocker probably saved his life.

2nd born was a horrible sleeper, she was just horrible. One day I gave up trying to get her to sleep on her back, and just let her sleep in her preferred position of on her front. She never slept so good. Whilst it wasn't through the night sleeping, when you get 3-4 hours of sleep per cycle you think you hit the jackpot.

Of course front sleeping is discouraged for SIDS purposes but I was out of ideas. To this day I don't know why it made a difference.
pharkurnell on 13/09/2023 - 14:30

-1

Many Kids…

5 mins of pleasure makin em.. lifetime of pain..

struggling on the lifestyle change

What do people expect?
CheapAddict on 13/09/2023 - 15:05

+3

It's exhausting and my take is it doesn't get any easier. You just adjust and you cope better. Every child is different too so what others experience may be different from yours. Many of my friends painted as this magical and wonderful thing, which it is but the reality from our experience was it was 95% of the time exhausting and very draining.

When we had our 2nd, I thought it would be easier since we've already been through it but it was tougher and our 2nd child was a terrible sleeper. We saw a sleep therapist and lot of it was useless advice.

My only advice is if you or your wife are ever at breaking point, put your baby down and walk away until you catch your breath and regain composure, your baby will be fine. Sometimes it's unsafe when you are at breaking point, fully sleep deprived and are holding your baby. You can do things out of character when you are pushed to those limits that would surprise you.

They will over time sleep better, unfortunately for us, our 2nd was terrible all the way until she was 2. Also find which advice works for you best, there's is no 1 best solution as every child is so different and what works for some may not work for yours.
- ardvrk571 on 19/09/2023 - 18:26
  
  ^ this is great advice.
  I'll add, put them on floor in middle of room. They can't fall.
OzzyOzbourne on 13/09/2023 - 15:21

From the beginning until the end
- MrThing on 13/09/2023 - 15:38
  
  +1
  
  basically this
Klogg86 on 13/09/2023 - 16:27

It's hard. But you learn things/adapt, and at the same time the baby will start sleeping at least 6hrs through the night.

Some things we found useful - may be useful to you:
1) Don't worry about the small stuff. Things not 100% packed up? Dishwasher needs to be emptied? Who cares, get some sleep if you have the opportunity - this is the priority.
2) Take help from those that can assist. In-laws and parents were extremely helpful. Believe me when I say that they're not going to judge, they know what it's like (unless they're particularly cruel)
3) Sleep school is good, but found it more useful from 4-5months or later. For now, just make sure the baby is feeding well.
4) If the baby is waking frequently, sometimes (there are other explanations) it can be from being hungry. Breast feeding is hard on your wife, help whenever you can.
5) Make everything as convenient as possible if money is not an issue. That is, buy whatever item is required if it saves you time - within reason of course.
6) Be nice to each other. Either one of you will inevitably make mistakes. Don't argue unnecessarily.

We found a significant improvement at 8 weeks (sleeping longer stints) and 4 months (more predictable sleeping). Hang in there and don't be too hard on yourselves
Buckshot on 13/09/2023 - 16:43

As the Dad of an 18-month-old, we used a rocking bassinet to help them settle.
I'd also look into Lullabub, an Australian-made device that attaches to your cot lets to gently rock baby.
It worked for us, and I remember the first night we used it, we stretched out babies sleep to 5 hours instead of 1.

There are other things to try, such as white noise generators etc. Contrary to some parent's opinions, babies have been used to sound in the mums tummies for 9 months, and then a hospital. Background noise is a good thing.

It does get better! Even now, my 18 month old wakes after 4-5 hours and doesn't always want me to settle him, he's a real squirmer, and it ain't easy for me to hold him, but It's an improvement over when he was 6 weeks old. You will find sleep improves and regresses. It's normal, but do your best, stick with a routine, and so long as they don't have colic or anything else that can cause discomfort, they should sleep if they're fed, have a clean nappy and have been burped.
wau2 on 13/09/2023 - 16:50

+1

Do what you can to survive. Don’t worry about bad habits etc. just do what you can to get through
Mr Ayayay on 13/09/2023 - 16:55

+1

My only book recommendation these days is The Discontented Little Baby Book. Written by a GP so it is evidence based. It focuses on feeding (including positioning to minimise pain), sleep and crying. Wish I'd read it before having my first.

In terms of pain - try to get a referral to physios in public system. They might allow self referral. This is usually time limited and can't be accessed from 12 weeks after birth.

Feeding - invest in a good pump (Spectra or Medela) to take the pressure off breastfeeding and allow healing.

Chores - you may need to accept a different (lower) standard than you are used to. We make sure we have decent food, clean clothes and no rubbish round the house but the cleaning tends to be more reactive than scheduled.

Sleep - we are getting a lot more sleep with our 8 week old this time around as we are co sleeping. Also look into floor beds.

Something that makes it slightly easier in the moment is to remember in 20+ years time when the kids have moved out is that you'd be desperate to be transported to the age they are now. Even when we are talking 2pm/still in pjs/covered in vomit/everyone is crying.
2esc on 13/09/2023 - 17:13

Yes we did have to attend sleep school for one the other has bad allergies and some leg problems but looking back those issues were easy to deal with than moody teenagers trying to be adults then it gets much harder.
dcash on 13/09/2023 - 17:27

The best advice I can give is to trust yourselves, and don't compare your (or your bubs) situation to others. Some bubs are more difficult than others, and that's just the way it is. It will be full on at times and even though it may feel like it's all getting too much some times, just remember that you and your wife were designed to do this. So the house gets a bit messy and everything isn't quite in order as you'd like? Don't worry about it. Nap whenever you can. And yes, I always found in-laws just made things worse, because you have to look after them as well as the bub. Personally I'd wait until 12 months (or years!) before having them stay. Just remember that you can do this, and although there's always something to worry about, it does get easier as you go along.
bowdo on 13/09/2023 - 18:02

Every kid is different, but we had a pretty rough ride the first few months.

Things we did that worked for us(not necessarily a recommendation):
- try to establish and stick to a routine. Eg, a bath is followed by bed, sleep time in in a dedicated place (whether room or cot).
- check out 'swaddling'. Our daughter was far more settled when she was firmly swaddled in a blanket.
- get sleep when you can get sleep. Things may not be normal for quite a while, catch those z's whenever you can
- try and give your partner some break time, even if it's just a few hours out of the house.
- talk to other parents, friends, family if you can. A bit of solidarity goes a long way when you're sleep deprived and feeling insane
- if you do feel like things are too much, make the baby safe and step outside for a second to clear your head. They'll be fine, if they're fed, burped, changed, no temperature, no rash, nothing obviously wrong - some babies will just carry on for no apparent reason. Better to take a moment to yourself than do something irrational you might regret.
- get some earplugs/earmuffs. Things may seem much less intense and more manageable when the baby you're trying to comfort isn't screaming in to your ear :)
- Celebrate the little moments. Is that a smile? Was that a word? I'll be honest, I did not enjoy the early baby phase much at all. Take what you can get :)

Edit - most important: don't be afraid to set boundaries with friends or family. Noone is entitled to see you or the baby, take visitors on your own terms.

Edit edit - if your partner is struggling with mental health, especially if breastfeeding is creating issues, don't be scared to look at switching to formula. We found there was an irrationally strong push for 'breast is best' even though it was having a horrible impact on my partners mental health. Not heath advice, but something to consider.
peekabooo on 13/09/2023 - 18:43

+1

As someone with 4.5 and 2.5 it gets so much better after 3 months. 3 week olds cry mostly because they are either hungry, or diapers are wet/soiled, or needs to burp. Make sure to burp after feeding. If you are breast feeding make sure there's enough milk (should get a fair amount of wet nappies) and maybe pump some up during the day and feed them when they wake up. Also both of you don't have to be up at sametime.
jolee3 on 13/09/2023 - 18:50

It gets easier when they sleep through, which could be anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 years. There is no definitive answer for everybody.

Do everything you possibly can to support your wife - if the feeding is on her, the recovery and pain, then you can help by doing as much housework, laundry, bottle washing as possible. If chores fall behind, don't worry. The bf pain will improve! It is really awful at first.

People will be really insistent on telling you that what worked for them must work for you. It may not. Nobody's advice is gospel but do take it on board and give the tips and tricks a try. You dont know if it'll work if you don't at least give it a go. I know someone who was sitting in a chair holding her 10 month old to sleep the entire night, but when it was suggested she might try putting him in the cot she said he cried so she had to pick him back up. Don't be that stubborn for your own sanity. I know it's controversial to let a baby cry but a struggling parent is not good for the baby either.

Every stage has challenges, the difficulties just evolve. The first born first few months in extremely overwhelming but you will get through, best of luck.
dmcneice on 13/09/2023 - 19:10

To specifically answer your question. It does get better.

I personally hated teh newborn stage. My kids are 6 and 7 now, and its a good age. Things are different, but personally I find them much easier. Probably when they hit around 4-5 is when things were a lot easier, but then again 1 is easier than the newborn stage. As they get more independent, your relied on less for EVERYTHING.
JKM on 13/09/2023 - 20:19

Just a quick note to say, hang in there! It's definitely not easy at all and you're not alone.

Support support support. It definitely takes a village to raise a baby.

Um, my son is 2.5 now and there are always new and different challenges. I don't know if it gets easier, just changes.
- wau2 on 13/09/2023 - 23:19
  
  terrible twos, threenager, f#### fours.
lambchopping on 13/09/2023 - 20:36

My bub is 14 weeks today so I can somehow relate. The first 5 weeks was hell and you do whatever you can to survive. My husband and I took shifts so both of us could get some sleep/chores done. Just do the bare basics, no guest would care whether your house is clean or not.

My strategy for my mental health was daily walks with the baby in the pram. I started when bub was 2 weeks old. If there's a cafe or park within walking distance, might be good for you both to get out and meet your friends with babies there. Video calling also worked great for us.

Breastfeeding is a learned skill. It takes time for both mum and bub to get the hang of it. It took 4 weeks for breastfeeding to get established for me, and within the first 2 weeks I got mastitis because I was too stubborn to seek help. Go see a lactation consultant if problems persist. Get in touch with the birthing hospital for more resources. They should be able to help.

There is light at the end of the tunnel! Hang in there!!
frostman on 13/09/2023 - 21:20

-5

Once the baby eats solids, (probably at 2-3 months) the sleep will be longer and better.
First 4-8 weeks there's some sleepless nights,
bare with it, time goes quick.,
- anat on 13/09/2023 - 21:48
  
  +5
  
  2-3 month old babies do not eat solids.
  - [Deactivated] on 13/09/2023 - 21:52
    
    +1
    
    How dare you ….. commentator's baby was ahead on their milestones & is on track to enter university at age 3 years.
    - frostman on 13/09/2023 - 22:37
      
      +1
      
      hahah
  - frostman on 13/09/2023 - 22:37
    
    sorry been a while, yeah 5-6 months.
- wau2 on 13/09/2023 - 23:20
  
  +1
  
  puree around 6 months, proper solids later
  - frostman on 14/09/2023 - 15:39
    
    Yep I meant puree'd pear and rice, etc
hibiscus on 13/09/2023 - 21:22

+1

First few weeks are hell, but just keep going. Are you burping baby? Like keep going until bub let’s out a big one, even if it takes 40mins of patting. Do not put baby down unless they have burped. You gotta take turns in the early days. Wife should feed bub and hand over to you to burp and settle while she goes back to sleep. People underestimate how much gas can hurt their tummies.

You will see a change at 12 weeks, don’t know why, but mine suddenly slept for longer stretches overnight, and then they regress at 4.5 months (again don’t know why it just happens) and once you start solids at 6months, it gets way easier as they can go longer between breastfeeds.

RE your parents, I would have been livid to have in laws over in that first year. Unless they were willing to clean the house and cook hot meals, hold the baby while mum sleeps. If they want to play with grandchild whilst mum slaves after them, then now is not the time. They’d be stealing precious bonding time away from mum + bub.
- Embaloo on 13/09/2023 - 21:55
  
  Agreed with the inlaws. Baby is BF though, excessive burping for most babies is not necessary, most recent Lact research shows. Bottle fed this definitely an issue though.
  - hibiscus on 13/09/2023 - 22:06
    
    Wow didn’t realise, but I guess the advice is always changing. I still found it made a huge difference in my babies, all BFs. They’re not latching properly in those early days and with all the crying can swallow air.
    - Embaloo on 13/09/2023 - 22:08
      
      +1
      
      Good point, inefficient latching & the crying —> air swallowing. :( oh the very early days!!
acersaurus on 13/09/2023 - 21:43

The most difficult time is the newborn time, things improve considerably after sleep training around 5-6 months, then deteriorate again with teething and sickness from childcare..but the newborn time was hardest.
anat on 13/09/2023 - 21:47

I haven't read the rest of the comments.

Hang in there.

Things get better, slowly.

For some newborns are everything they wanted, for others (us) it's a transitory stage of pain that leads to better and more fulfilling things.

There is light (minimum 3 months).
Embaloo on 13/09/2023 - 22:01
6 weeks youre likely to find a sweet spot for a few days, then again at 8 weeks. Hormonally, bf settling and your wife's healing-wise.

All the best.

Best postpartum assistance:

Womens health physio

Lactation consultant asap

Take baby while wife gets a half-hour relaxation massage, make sure that she is on a pillow so that chest isnt affected.

Lots of great advice so far, hope it helps with the hope.
YNWA3020 on 13/09/2023 - 23:06

Once your partner / wife is ready, knock her up again. Get all the sleep deprivation out the way in a 2-3 year block.
In all seriousness, look after each other. It may get better, it may get worse, but stick fat. Hopefully you look back in 18 years and have a smile
Celorne on 13/09/2023 - 23:08

+1

My inlaws tried to visit us few weeks ago (helping on cuddling and letting bub sleep) but we felt more tired attending them (cleaning and preparing etc) though, we can nap during day time.

Most has already been said. One thing I'd add on this is get your in-laws and your folks to help with chores while they are there rather than the other way around.

I know they'll want to spend time with the baby (and think they are saving you some hassle by cuddling them to sleep), but really the biggest thing anyone could do for us was bring cooked meals and help out with some tidying or hanging out a load of washing while they were here.
- Jayzz55 on 14/09/2023 - 08:24
  
  Super upvote this!
  
  Like others has chimed in here, in-laws/parents can often be a hindrance. If they are coming to help, make sure you draw a clear boundary on where they can help, this will help create space for yourself and your partner as well.
misu p on 13/09/2023 - 23:15

Hang on mate, it gets better sleep-wise soon for everybody involved. You have to be strong for your bub and wife. She has to take care of the child, you have to take care of both, it will get better (aka different).
Brianqpr on 13/09/2023 - 23:30

First three months is relentless and exhausting, but it did get better after that once they get into a bit of a routine in terms of sleeping.

Was quite fortunate in the case of my son that he was born during the football world cup so there were often games on in the early hours when I was up with him.
noshopping on 14/09/2023 - 00:15

Forget about having good sleep for the first 3-6 months. If you have family/parents, ask them to move in to help.
Taking care of a baby reminds me of school days when I was awake at 2am trying to study for an exam…
Very little sleep, highly stressed, forced (e.g. you must do this, there is no "it can wait till tomorrow")
and it was like that for the first few months.

Things will get easier, you'll start getting proper sleep after 6mo? But other new challenges will come.

Maybe some comfort:

https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/comments/kiyv5n/it_absol…
https://www.reddit.com/r/ScienceBasedParenting/comments/12qn…
https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/comments/11gmjy3/when_do…
https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/12hr840/peop…
https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/omwf8n/at_wh…
skillet on 14/09/2023 - 02:32

First 6 months is tough. You both are sleep deprived so it affects your emotion and ability to think wisely and decision making. It's okay you will get used to it. Don't expect anything from your partner's but mentally supporting the wife is best. If BF then she wakes up every few hours and get rough patches of sleep everyday. Grumpness is expected, find ways to do to release bad energies.

Do try to talk to your wife regularly and have a mental check. It's easy to fall into post preggy depression. Let her talk to you about her feelings and etc. You are her mental support.

As a partner, choose the best time to nap especially when the time your wife doesn't need you. You need to learn to team up. Burping is a skill that you and your child learn.

Your 3wks old just left the womb which is it's habitat, getting use to breathing and organs rapidly developing. You may think sleep is easy but it's a big skill to learn for a newborn who can't even control all their muscles.

Anyway things will not be the same, you will find that the baby changes every two weeks or so, sometimes good sometimes more challenging. You have a family now accept it. It's a test of life.
42 on 14/09/2023 - 04:43

Try downloading baby sleep sound or white noise apps. It will have different white/pink noise as well as sounds of hair dryer, washing machine, fan, etc that can sometimes help babies sleep.
happyhammer on 14/09/2023 - 07:03

Sleep train as soon as you can. It's brutal but one of you has to do it for the benefit of everyone. This can be done with professionals or just good online advice.
First kid is tough especially the first few months when your life turns upsidedown and you have no idea what to do.
Easy to say but also try to take pics and videos and enjoy the little things as all the ages pass too quick.
Also lean on everyone for help and like you've done here, seek advice from those who've been through it all before.
MrThing on 14/09/2023 - 07:21

+2

Just wait till they learn the word no and become strong willed at about 2 or 3

Then stuff gets interesting
- Dose Pipe Sutututu on 14/09/2023 - 07:26
  
  I'll take newborn again!
Dose Pipe Sutututu on 14/09/2023 - 07:25

+1

Congrats on bub!

Dad of 2 here (2.5 yo and 3 weeks), it might feel tough however when they're 2+ you'll look back in the past and realise that they were actually so much easier during the newborn phase. Terrible 2s are a real thing.

And yes, sometimes your in-laws are actually a hindrance rather than anything else. If you don't want any visitors, just tell people you're not welcoming anyone till bub has a the required vaccinations.

Stuff cleaning the house, just spot clean. Buy a decent wet vac mop, decent stick vac. Eat heaps of takeaway, don't be guilty of using ubereats/DoorDash etc.

Oh yeah, buy a Snoo… best money you'll ever spend.
Spic3y on 14/09/2023 - 07:28

As others have mentioned, just sleep whenever you can get it. If you have friends and family offering support, drop them off some of your washing or ask them to do some cooking or shopping for you. The new bub is your priority now.

It does get easier generally.
IMadeYouReadThis on 14/09/2023 - 07:38
The sooner you get in some sort of routine, easier it will get with time. To begin with, here is what we did to overcome the issues:

Giving bub a bath just before sleeping, keep the lights dim after bath.

Get yourself a smart light and try introducing a specific colour with very dim brightness for sleep time - red colour light worked well for us.

Music - play the same music each night, preferably leave it on overnight on a loop mode until the bub is a little better with her sleep routines.

is the bub on b.milk or formula or a mix of two? You could try giving her formula before sleep time as it tends to keep them full for longer and assist them in better sleep.

You could try certain aroma in the room as well, we tried Peace and Lavender from dusk and it helped us all calm down during the early days.

Re in-laws, honestly most of them are only interested in your well being, they don't expect to see a clean tidy house when they visit a baby. Don't overthink, if their presence allow you to get some afternoon nap then, you should count your blessings :)

All the best..
Jayzz55 on 14/09/2023 - 08:20

Contact your MCH nurse (the contact details is in your green book) and explain to them your situation, they may organise/schedule you a visit with a sleep therapist to help your case. 1 of our friend had this issue, when the baby is 3 months old. I know that usually at that age the baby is too young to sleep train, but it works like a miracle for them.

Note: there are lots of thoughts about sleep school and this is not for everyone and may not work for everyone. Given your situation, It's worth a go. the MCH nurse is very helpful!

Also, just hang in there, the first 6 weeks are brutal, after that you and your partner will adjust to it, and it'll get easier after 100 days. This is normal, all parents go through this initial shock.
yokel on 14/09/2023 - 08:21

Just keep grinding. It stabilises around 3 months. There’s something about them smiling and recognising you that helps.
bargainy on 14/09/2023 - 08:24

I didn’t read most of the comments, but from our experience from many years ago, the main thing is to try to create some routine, but also go with the flow of a baby who is also trying to learn much more than you.

Often, parents don’t get a lot of time together because one is caring for the baby while the other one is trying to get some rest. That will change in time.

Regarding “helpful” family, etc, if you have to do anything of note to prepare for their arrival, they’re not going to help. They should be coming in happily cleaning, cooking, doing washing or taking the baby for a walk etc.
yoquierotaco on 14/09/2023 - 09:14
What stage it "improves" depends on you and your wife and your baby. Improvement may not be a real thing for some people. For example, we are still sleep deprived almost 2 years in (wakes up every 2 or 3 hours, worst when he is teething). But our kid can at least be in the car without screaming now. Didn't eat anything except BF, now we have finally weaned him off during day time so that was a huge improvement. Kid still is very active (he took his first steps by himself at 9months), which is good but exhausting. There will always be new challenges as they get older so really depends on what challenges you struggle with.

Prioritise sleep/rest/breaks, need to find a way to convince your partner. You might not be able to do it, but maybe she will listen to another mom that she respects or have a close relationship with. Basically everything I said was met with resistance. Even resting/sleeping/finding breaks, only 1.5 years later she finally agreed that she should have prioritised it.

Accept your house will be messy and chores will not get done. Really prioritise what MUST be done. If you can't accept this and you can afford, pay someone to clean your house. I was also able to convince partner that we can just order out every-once in a while and not cook every night. Basically, if you can throw money at the problem to help you get back time/sanity then I would do it as much as possible.

Mental health is a big concern especially for your partner if you're going back to work. Find baby play groups or mothers group so she can connect and talk to other parents. This was a huge improvement once we were able to do this. See if you can take days off here and there or go home earlier on some days. Having a baby at home by yourself for a whole day is exhausting depending on how the baby is and when you are sleep deprived.

Have parents over, but set the rules and expectations so you aren't spending more time catering to them then resting and getting a break. My parents understood this and they cooked and cleaned for us while they were here. My partner's parents was more exhausting to have over unfortunately. We had to "coach" them to help us.

Good luck.
pformag on 14/09/2023 - 09:41

I have 4 kids - 8, 6, 3 and 1.5. The 1st 6 months are the hardest. Sleep deprivation is a killer. My wife also suffered from severe PND.

Cuddle Cuddle Cuddle. Routine only gets established around 10-12 week mark.

We tried a strick routine with our 1st. Caused us all sorts of stress and probably triggered the PND more. However, it did help with sleep. He slept through the night from 16 weeks.

2nd Kid, was a premmie, so the routine was out the door until later, only started full night sleeps from 5 months

3rd kid, we only started a routine around 8 weeks, but it was very loose. Pretty much working from the 1st feed of the morning onwards. We always try and get the kids to bed around 6.30 p.m. mark, If you work on a start and finish time, then it all starts to work itself out. - Full night sleep from 12 months

4th kid, same as the 3rd. Still wakes up once a night at 1.5 years old.

Every kid is different, but a basic routine can help, especially if you can figure out that your kid is hungry because you know they are due a feed.

One thing I will suggest, coming from a PND situation, Fed is Best. If you are can't breastfeed or are pumped all the time just to get your reserves up, but it becomes a high struggle, move to formula. All my kids started breastfeeding, as most mums want to try, but they all ended up on formula after 2-3 weeks. My premmy was formula feed from the start, in the neonatal, Feed is Best. No one cares about breasts there. If you go done formula route. Can recommend, Pigeon bottles.
Stopback on 14/09/2023 - 09:44

We used to raised kids in big families, they would get taken care of. Now its up to two parents, and then one needs to work full time.
Phattattak on 14/09/2023 - 09:50

Straight answer, 2-3 months….

Expanding…. your not alone, everyone has had similar challenges to varying degrees and can offer support. But if your bubs didn't come with a manual like most, a lot of it is listening to advice, but ultimately doing what works for you.

What worked for us (which may or may not work for you):
- There's the saying 'it too shall pass'. Think of everything as just a phase. Get through this phase and it gets easier. There will be other challenges, but not the same (and this is probably the hardest)
- It's a team game, when your other half is looking over it, step in…vice versa
- Routine is king, for your sanity and getting bubs into some structure. Naps at the same time, bed at the same time…however its probably a bit early at a few weeks to expect anything….
- It should only be a couple of months, then their body clock starts to get into a cycle. For us it was witching hour(s) from 5pm till midnight with non stop irritability and screaming

Everytime I hear the shrill cry of a new born, it brings back the PTSD…

Hardest Stage of Baby/Parenting?

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