Hardest Stage of Baby/Parenting?

Gloomy on 12/09/2023 - 16:29
Last edited 12/09/2023 - 16:34 by 1 other user

Hi parents. We just have our 3 week old now and mentally, we’re really overwhelmed and struggling on the lifestyle change. We are sleep deprived (hard to calm down our bub between 3-5am) and really tired on catching up on our daily chores. Wife is still struggling on bf (pain and soreness) and leg pain from birthing.

My inlaws tried to visit us few weeks ago (helping on cuddling and letting bub sleep) but we felt more tired attending them (cleaning and preparing etc) though, we can nap during day time.

Now I’m thinking if I let my parents go visit us this Oct or maybe wait until bub is 5-6 months old. Just worried about wife’s mental health when I go back to work as we feel alone at home.

We also have some friends support which are also parents but sometimes we cannot see them as their kids are sick. Just seeking for personal experiences from you guys on which stage our scenario will likely improve? Cheers

Toys & Kids

Comments

  • Fuzzy Toaster on 14/09/2023 - 10:04

    Don't make decisions now, planning sounds unnecessarily stressful. You just don't know how the baby or you will be. As time goes on it will become clearer what you can and can't do. Figure it out then.

    At three weeks there's no routine yet, just a constant grind. You've just got to hang in there. Give each other lots of grace, get sleep when you can, take all the help offered, and keep surviving. You are starting the hardest thing you'll ever do (probably), so you're not a failure if you feel like you're struggling. Everyone does.

    At six to eight weeks, things get easier because they give a little back - looking at you and smiling a little.

    With our kids, it was at maybe six months when we really started feeling more like ourselves. It took about 18 months for my wife's body to recover (including hormone wise which has a big effect on libido).

    It's a long slow road but kids are freaking awesome and worth it. It just won't feel like that for awhile. :)

    You got this.

  • Morphio25 on 14/09/2023 - 10:09
    +1

    In terms of the breast-feeding pain and soreness, just give it up and use formula.

    I'm guessing that your wife is also trying to express milk as well with a pump and you're on an endless cycle of cleaning bottles and the pump parts (if electric).

    We switched over to formula and never looked back. Our mental health improved drastically, especially for my wife, as we no longer felt like we were slaves to cleaning and lack of sleep (on my wife's part).

    Sleeping unfortunately I can't help with as our girl has always been a fantastic sleeper.

    All I can say is that feeling of helplessness during the first couple of months does get better. Hang in there and if you feel like you ever need someone to talk with feel free to PM me.

  • Twelveeyes on 14/09/2023 - 10:27
    +3

    Wow at all the people for sleep training. Your baby doesn't come out with its body clock set, that takes 6-8 weeks at minimum to figure out day from night.

    If you are keen to respond to your baby's cues you could also read The Discontented Little Baby Book by Pamela Douglas, it provides an alternate approach - and not all babies are able to self settle https://www.babyclinic.co.nz/blog/what-does-self-settling-ac…

    Mine is 16mo and still wakes up overnight, that's normal. Consistent wake up times are most important (I think everyone agrees with that!) and you can adjust bedtime depending on tiredness when they get older.

    But, each kid is individual, you are doing a great job (even by posting here and asking for advice), keep it up, support your new little family. Also, everyone has their own tolerance for sleep deprivation, you may find you need to work that out as well and optimise for yourselves.

  • dufflover on 14/09/2023 - 10:57

    As someone really struggling with work stresses atm, no kids but still hoping for one, this discussion is pretty scary 😳

    • Stopback on 14/09/2023 - 11:02
      +1

      End of the day, its something that most humans are able to do, it sucks, but you really have no choice but push on,

  • RedDevil860 on 14/09/2023 - 12:06

    Got no advise but to say its not going to be easy. They are kids and its a responsibility. It's naive to think it is all bells and whistles. I would recommend sleep school as it worked for us. I would also recommend focusing on your partner because it can be a strain in your relationship.

  • silverx on 14/09/2023 - 12:17

    hang in there, it's the toughest first 4 weeks, once the bub has started growing more tummy capacity, they will be able to sleep longer and longer. Not sure where you stand with having formula but it's certainly a great help to keep them full. Another way is to express them to bottles/container and have them ready for late night feeding, that way your wife doesnt have to breastfeed and you can take turn feeding the baby late night

    it will get easier, first baby and first 4 weeks are toughest, hang in there, after 6 months it should be pretty cruisy and people usually started thinking its no biggie and ready for 2nd one, be careful with this though :) it's not double the work but more like triple or quadruple the work

  • kalithreaver on 14/09/2023 - 12:28

    it sounds like you are going through what we did. we had a baby that wouldnt sleep and didnt have any family that could really help us either.

    the first 2 years were tough, do what you need to survive. routine is super important and do not break it! you are going to be stuffed after work but when you get home get your wife to have a shower and a nap for a while. do what ever you can to support each other.

    my son would never go to sleep easy and would always wake up when i went to put him down so i start rocking him to sleep and every minute i would just pretend i was going to put him down and then start rocking him again and repeat. eventually he got used to the motion of that i was going to put him down that i could actually put him to bed asleep in 5 mins instead of the 45mins it used to take.

    next hard part was trying to get my son to sleep in his bed, wife would always break and let him in our bed but eventually i said enough is enough. i made him sleep in his cot by himself while i slept next to him, first night was lots of tears, next night was less tears and then he got used to it. eventually i had to work to move out of the room while he was going to sleep, so i started waiting at the door him, then it was the doorway, then the hallway and so on.

  • FlyingMiffy on 14/09/2023 - 12:31

    Sounds like its your first. Feeling overwhelmed is normal so dont be too hard on yourselves. The first few months will always be tricky as the baby will change your routines but it will get easier and easier. Sleep is probably the one thing that will make a difference to your day, so nap whenever you can and look after the missus - PND is real.

  • UFO on 14/09/2023 - 12:32
    +1

    OP…. "this too shall pass".

    Every single new parent faces this baptism of fire.
    The first few weeks are tough, followed by a lull for a few weeks, then it ramps up again.

    Get through the first 6 months any way you can…. and once you get to that point your little terrorist will start paying dividends and there will be some "negotiation".
    Until then, there is no negotiation will terrorists.

    As a new parent, its normal to just lock yourself away in the house and try and cope. But getting out in the sun and fresh air DOES make a difference.

    This is why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. It really does stuff you around. Emotion, physical state, mental state, it's horrible!

    But it does get better, and this WILL PASS.

    Make sure you both try and get a solid sleep every few days. Earplugs and if necessary sleeping in a separate room. 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep where you also aren't monitoring bub is needed. I know you're probably saying "how?" but that's what family and friends are for. Have them come over, and let them deal with bub.

    The baby will not die if things aren't done exactly the way you want. The priority is to just get through the first 6 months. Everyone says 3 months, but really its its a little longer.

    It's the hardest thing people will do. First time raising a kid is tough. Really tough.
    But before you know it you'll be 6 months in and bub will be almost fun :).

    And then you'll get baby amnesia and have another one!!! :)

    Stick with it, forget about cleaning and lawns and other household stuff. Just get through the first 6 months, accept help from whoever is asking, demand help from those that arent, and just get through it. Things WILL get better. Even if it means putting the screaming terrorist down in a cot for 10min and walking outside.
    It can be full on- it really can. But if you aren't coping, you aren't helping by losing your temper or frustrations with bub.

    Sleep routines and white noise and consistency…. all great advice and worked for us 100%. Same thing over and over like a robot. White noise on, blinds closed, quiet voices, no playing. You're giving the baby sleep cues for what's to come. They'll protest at first, but will learn. But you'll find your own path and learn what works in your house. When 2 and 3 come along later, you'll feel like a pro and wonder what all the crying (adults) was about :).

    And don't be tempted to stretch bub out in waking hours. As soon as you see an eye rub or yawn, start the sleep process. Think of them like a battery. It's no good running them down to under 20% power. Get them at 25% and put them on recharge. If you leave it too late the only way to reset the battery is to take it down to 0% (lots of crying and unsettledness and until they drop off). Exhausting for both of you. Early sleep… and ROUTINE. And don't be afraid of 'controlled crying'. It gets a bad rep because its probably not used correctly, but it definitely works. It's not about just leaving the kid to cry for an hour. You will learn what the different cries sound like. You'll know what needs attention and what doesn't.

    You can do it…. 6 months.

  • Ozbargainerd1 on 14/09/2023 - 12:45
    +1

    Some random advice from me to you:

    • Be kind to yourselves and each other - consider sharing out the difficult times e.g. one parent takes primarily responsibility for one half of the night, other parent goes into a separate room to unwind and hopefully get some much needed rest - you cant be your best when you are exhausted

    • If you find something works for your bub, DO NOT STOP DOING IT ….it will probably stop working anyway as your bub develops, so use the techniques and tricks in your arsenal where you can whenever you can :)

    • Some swear by them, some say they are a waste of time - the former for us - consider a co-sleep bassinet - you can keep your child safe but they can still see/smell/feel your presence and often likely to sleep better. Plus easier for you and mum to comfort or feed baby in the middle of the night. We wish we had done the same with out first but its long enough ago now that its 'meh'.

    • Do not underestimate the importance of burping after feeding - not doing it properly or effectively esp. if bub feeds fast will mean tummy ache and gas buildup. Then wont be able to sleep, then get hungrier and more exhausted, then feed fast….circle spiral continues…

    • Its crazy that they send kids home without more training/instruction manuals….(and no returns, no warranties!)….but on the other hand, think of it this way - kids are designed to strive and thrive. You're already doing a lot of things right if you're able to feed and home your bub and actually care enough to be present and tend to them. Now go back to step 1…

    • Newborn stage is indeed a tough time. Physically very demanding but honestly less so mentally (provided your babies are healthy - one of mine was not for a long time). I look back fondly to that stage now though - my kids are older and much more autonomous, but I miss those little joys of them resting on your shoulder and having a quiet moment, all those little noises and movements as they grow super fast. Grandkids is the next opportunity I suppose…and perhaps better because 'hand em back when their difficult' time :D

    My experience, it doesn't get 'easier', it just gets different. Boys and girls are also different and your specific child will further be a unique snowflake. Celebrate their developments and personal growth and let them be who they want to be within the confines of being a parent who wants to truly nurture/love/want best for their child.

    • Introduce them to Ozbargain early. We need to keep @Muzeeb proud!

    • When you feel things are getting easy….go have a second/third/fourth :D….while the joke will be on you, each subsequent child is easier because you weed out a lot of unnecessary things + you get more comfortable with the parenting role.

    *** Most importantly, to the extent you can and particularly as your child gets older….be there for them. Be their nurturer/parent/carer/confidante and eventually just there whenever they need you. It will pay off immensely in the long run way more than any job/promotion/worldly title/great deal on ozbargain.

  • drfuzzy on 14/09/2023 - 12:58
    +4

    Thank you for creating future taxpayers. Please get them into the highest income bracket possible to pay for my aged care.

    • Brianqpr on 14/09/2023 - 18:41
      +2

      Maybe they should visit that selective school thread.

      • drfuzzy on 14/09/2023 - 22:37
        +2

        Commence violin tutoring at 1 month of age.

  • ChickenAdobo on 14/09/2023 - 14:57

    Who cares if the house is dirty and untidy. The first 6 weeks is hard for new parents. I know as Im having my second one but that will be breeze as been there done that. As for bringing in your in law or parents. It would help immensely to do that. Beneficial for both party. Sooner the better after 6 weeks

  • derrida derider on 14/09/2023 - 17:46
    +1

    Defintely get your parents to visit but make it clear you expect them to arrive as the cavalry - here to help, not be entertained. They do the cooking and cleaning, mate, not you or your poor wife. Frame it as "we need your help", not "come and cuddle your grandchild". Of course they'll have plenty of opportunity for that too but make sure they carry their weight - you two cannot afford extra load.

    As for the lack of sleeping, sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture and IME is the hardest part of being a new parent. And the anxiety it causes can feed on itself and add to bub's wakefulness. No easy answers here I'm afraid.

  • ladybird1 on 14/09/2023 - 17:48
    +1

    1) Don't try to impose a routine or follow anyone's set of rules. Each baby is different.

    2) Co-sleep. Really. The baby will be content, and this will make everything so much easier.

    • ErgoSpazmo on 15/09/2023 - 08:05

      Oooh yes co-sleeping saved our sanity! Gotta do it safely though, co-sleeping bed inserts are great or bed attachments

  • MessyG on 14/09/2023 - 19:55

    Dear OP I just want to give you both a really big hug. All of this is normal I promise and it WILL get better. If you can get a cleaner, definitely get a cleaner.

    Is your wife part of a local mothers group? That can be very very helpful in some support when you return to work. Please please got to your local GP and tell them this (if they are a good one), they can help you too.

    Where abouts are you located, can any of the Ozbargain community come and drop you some meals? Your local Facebook groups can be super good for support too.

    Also read this article. I wish I'd read it with my first child, it would have spared me a lot of distress. It addresses that 3-5 hour screamathon that just causes so much trauma for everyone. You don't have to read it all because it's a big article, but please scroll down to the "Calming the baby regime" at the end". https://www.babydoc.com.au/faq/colic-bore-your-baby-to-sleep…

    A sleep school can be helpful for your own sanity but don't try to 'sleep train' a 3 weeker by yourself, it causes more distress. I had one kid I tried everything for and nothing worked and the other kid who just slept really easily. None of this is you, it is them.

    What worked for me in the end when they were screaming and screaming was wrapping them up tightly, feeding if necessary, but really putting headphones in my ears and listening to nice music while I held them and rocked them until that few hours was over. It does stop I promise. By 6 months its easier.

    Reach out to Parentline too if you need help OP, it is really important to seek help to avoid postnatal depression in you both. The sleep deprivation is soul destroying. DM me too if you want to chat more, I've been where you are.

  • tanoshiiki on 14/09/2023 - 21:07

    Congrats. Those early weeks are tough. Really tough. As “high-achieving” people, it was the hardest thing we ever did. Use as much family and friends support as you can. Ask your hospital and MCHN for what (free) support is available - for some reason, a lot of support seems to exist but it’s like hidden: there’s lactation, sleep, physio, etc. Be less proud about cleaning up. Let people know if you’re coming around that it’s going to be messy and you need them to do x, y, z, e.g. bring lunch, dishes, laundry, etc.

    As to your topic question, that depends on the parents mindset and the child. However, I think it gets easier until they’re about teens and then you don’t know what they’re thinking again. With time you figure out your kid more, you learn to ask more questions externally and seek more support, the child may be able to play unattended for longer periods of time (so you can do stuff!), they can actually talk, etc. Focus on the now and get as much real help as you can get.

  • Skramit on 14/09/2023 - 21:26

    Babies pick up on parents anxiety and stress and reflect it in their own behaviors (crying etc). Try to stay cool as much as possible.

  • horseshoe on 14/09/2023 - 22:39
    +2

    Hi OP, we went through the same thing as you 5 years ago as first time parents. Also went with breastfeeding (which is definitely hard mode). It gets easier. Eventually your baby will sleep for longer and need feeds less frequently. Breastfeeding also becomes easier as the baby gets better at it and your wife starts producing more. Try not to let it break you before then, but if it's getting unmanageable, switch to formula.

    One thing possibly controversial. I'm sure the midwives have all told you that your baby MUST sleep in its own separate cot, swaddled sleeping face up. The first is so that the mother does not accidentally roll over the baby in her sleep and smother it, the second so that the baby doesn't roll over and smother itself while sleeping. I'm sure you can imagine how awful either of these would be.

    We followed this sleep advice for our first. My wife had neverending cycles of trying to settle the baby for an hour, then putting it down, then baby waking up and needing the next feed again. We had our second this year, and we did NOT do it this time. We set up the cot next to our bed with the side open so that it basically extended the bed, which allowed mum & baby to sleep together. For us, this meant the baby settles to sleep much quicker.

  • Smigit on 15/09/2023 - 00:23
    +1

    So we have a teenager, a 4 year old and twin 2 year olds.

    Right now I find the teenager most difficult, followed by the twins. The twins are sort of on the home stretch for potty training and are becoming more communicative. The 4 year old I personally find an easier age because by then they’re a bit more self sufficient and much of the time actively wanting to take on small tasks be it getting themselves dressed it. Not every day, but even some helps. The main thing though is being able to talk to and reason (sometimes…again) with them at that age. The twins are hitting that sort of threshold but are just a bit further away. Once you can have conversations with the kids the ability to bond over things just expands exponential.

    In that respects I think maybe around 3.

    If you stick to one kid then all good. I think things will get easier over the coming months and probably continue in that trajectory. What has been very hard for us at times is juggling 3 young kids as two adults. You sort of reset when you introduce new kids into a home that still has young ones. There is times they can and will run in seperate directions. We’re also not fortunate enough to have a house large enough to give every child a room (we had planned to stop at 3…twins was a surprise) so inevitably the young ones share a room which can make bedtime hard when one kid wants to play up and keeps others awake.

    In terms of sleep issue you have noted OP. I’d say it’s super super important to set a routine as well as being strict with it. When your kids old enough to go to their own room I strongly recommend doing that. We did this pretty early on for our own sanity and have no regrets. Also, you need to do what works for you I guess, but I don’t believe in making both parents get up every time the baby cries. I’ve heard some families do that where mum will feed and dad will sit near by and all I can see that achieving is denying one parent sleep they could be getting since only one of you can do much for the baby at night at a time anyway. Not saying the same parent gets up every time, but have a routine that allows one person at night to try and rest as you’ll need it.

    While 3 weeks is a bit early, do establish a bed time too and stick to it. That will mean nights where you listen to screaming for a few hours. Trust me, it’ll pay off being strict here. We have friends who had kids around the same time as our 4 year old and their kid of the same age still requires a parent to sit in bed with them for 1-2 hours every night before they go to sleep, often in the parents bed. Early on the parents allowed bad habits to settle in and they’re paying the price now by robbing them valuable time to themselves. There will be bad nights, but don’t allow every night to become a chore.

    Early on, at the 18 month mark or so, maybe look at a "Glo clock" as a way to teach your kids when ‘up time’ is. Again, you need to be strict and consistent with it for it to work but it’ll help establish a routine.

    You’ll gain confidence with time. When the kids less fragile, can hold their head up on their own then that’s one less thing to stress about. They’ll get mobile and you can play with them a bit more and that’s a good time. Then as above, they’ll start to talk and things get much easier from then on.

    Then they become teenagers.

    As an aside, of all the difficult periods it was actually the conception of the now four year old that was the hardest period for me. Took probably over two years to conceive and it took a toll on us for that period. It was very difficult at times emotionally. Then after we had her the twins came the first month we tried which pretty much got us off guard given we expected a bit of a struggle after the previous child.

  • ErgoSpazmo on 15/09/2023 - 08:03

    Babies are hard but you just gotta soldier on through. I have 2 girls and I tell you, sometimes it would be lovely to go back before they could walk talk and argue haha! For ages, 4 is shit, 7 is shit and 11-12 is shit. My 11.5yr old is just become a hormonal monster but my 13.5 yr old is amazing. She loves me, hugs me, helps me around the house and does most of her homework. Sure they fight but thats sisters for you. I was a terrible 13yr old though so I think I got lucky with mine..

  • ErgoSpazmo on 15/09/2023 - 08:06

    Last tip is look into babywearing. I would have gone insane if I had to hold my baby all day and have no free arms to do anything, even more helpful after I had my 2nd!

  • Lunarboogie on 15/09/2023 - 10:36
    +1

    Hang in there OP. These difficult early days will soon be a distant memory. Although when you're in it, it feels like it'll never end.

    A technique that worked for us was co-sleeping. My missus breastfed and to be able to provide milk on tap allowed us to get some sleep. But do your research as there are risks with this approach. We found with pillows and other mitigations we were able to get by. But pls don't go down this path lightly as many things can go wrong.

    Secondly, I took 6 months off work for both my kids which allowed me to care for mum fulltime while she looked after baby. The early days of parenting is not a one person job. Two minimum. Trying to swing it while working is hard. But we were a little older as parents (early 30s) and had been planning children for a while, so this may not be an option for many.

  • freekay on 15/09/2023 - 12:39
    +1

    It may not seem it, but things get easier by the day. By 6 months, it'll definitely be noticeable—sleep rhythm will have developed, baby is doing more than just being a crying, pooing blob. Smiles and giggles will melt away the weariness from your soul! I think the biggest breakthrough for us was when our little one could start talking and communicating what she wanted—wayyyy fewer tantrums!
    Most of the comments here have hit the nail on the head, though.
    1. Be kind to yourselves—allow yourselves to rest without feeling guilty.
    2. Accept help—don't feel like you need to make your place presentable when people come over to help you and refer to point 1: allow yourself to be a potato whilst help is there.
    3. Take HEAPS of videos and photos. They'll grow up so fast, and before you know it, that sweet baby of yours has disappeared, and in its place is a 3 year old, running around causing (adorable) chaos!

    • Sharknado88 on 15/09/2023 - 16:17

      wait till they become a toddler - far out.

  • axlfan on 15/09/2023 - 13:28
    +2

    We have a 12 week old and trust me it will get better but its a gradual and slow process. It is very challenging and at first, we were overwhelmed with how daunting it was. Things have slowly gotten into place but you need to stay the course. Sleep deprivation is a real challenge and you will need to figure it out but giving supporting each other.

    Our in-laws were here for some time and it was a great help but they have also returned now and we have minimal friends all of whom are busy so its just the 2 of us. But we think we have got this.

    Overall, despite some challenges our baby is amazing and it has been a total blessing to care for him. I am supporting my partner to the best of my ability but she does carry the bigger burden as I have returned to work.

    Big respect to all the parents out there.

    • Sharknado88 on 15/09/2023 - 16:17

      it doesnt get better - it just shifts to a different hardship

  • axlfan on 15/09/2023 - 13:33

    And finally despite all the hardships of rearing children, the population of Earth is around 8 billion today.

  • May4th on 15/09/2023 - 14:13
    +1

    great suggestions above
    trescilian and karitane have phone advice lines as well without referral
    engage with your GP, I'd also recommend booking in newborn checks with your local community health centre, they can put you in touch with support groups and parents groups which sometimes will help with your sanity
    take turns looking after the bub - aim for at least one hour a day away from baby for both of you for self care time
    sleep will get better, it won't be great, but more manageable and you'll get into more of a routine
    take as much time off from work as your finances will allow, and utilise the support network as much as you can
    try not to look on social media/talk to friends TOO MUCH regarding parenting advice can be a bit overwhelming
    a great resource for all questions about newborn/kids is https://www.kidsconsult.com.au/subscription
    you have to pay for it now but it's a small fee for advice from an experienced paeditrician, will save you a lot anxiety googling symptoms
    good luck!

  • Dr-StrangeLove on 15/09/2023 - 14:55

    Hardest Stage of Baby/Parenting?

    When they start cursing you! :)

  • Sharknado88 on 15/09/2023 - 16:16
    +1

    Sorry but the reality is once you have kids, theres no turning back. its just ^%$# hard. every friggin stage is hard. from baby to toddler then they grow up and cause even more stress

    • freekay on 15/09/2023 - 17:16
      +2

      Hey, are you ok? Not being facetious. I'm genuinely concerned. You make some valid points—yup raising kids is tough, and I wholeheartedly think that unless you really want them, as well as know what you're getting yourself into, you shouldn't have kids. Sounds like you've been struggling, and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. Have you considered getting some counselling to help you deal with what you're feeling?

  • StalkingIbis on 15/09/2023 - 17:28
    +3

    same boat, except with non sleeping twins!

    Billions of babies have been born. If they can do it, you/me/us can do it!

    Ignore all the poeple who tell you stories about their easy babies. Lots of us have it hard.

    You got this!

  • Venustrap87 on 15/09/2023 - 18:03

    It sucks sleeping pattern is off but eventually will get better over the months to come.don’t give up just yet

  • Jellyfish01 on 15/09/2023 - 18:11
    +2

    Yes, it is difficult being a parent. I highly recommend watching this podcast just released a week ago about the difficulties of raising a newborn, challenges of breastfeeding - covers perspective from both male and female. It also covers mental health - particularly from female side as hormones are hugely disrupted post birth. You honestly will get a laugh from it also.

    https://youtu.be/z_g0Va6S33U?si=iErP-jrAvmGATX_c

    Lack of sleep, on top of a huge disruption to your lifestyle means that you will fight more. You aren’t alone, but it gets so much better. Newborn babies bellies are small so they have to feed regularly, and wake frequently. They start to have longer stretches as their stomach grows. Yes, kids do wake up still in toddler years - but no where near as often.

    Breastfeeding should not be painful - if it is - and your wife wants to breastfeed - get a lactation consultant asap. Breastfeeding is easier once the bubba has head support and can latch themselves - however, you can seriously hurt your boobs if you do not feed correctly initially (and it is often not easy - even for second or third time mums). Not all babies and boobs are the same - there are options like nipple shields etc.

  • dimes on 15/09/2023 - 20:31

    I'll tell you what my friend told me - every stage is hard, they're just different types of hard.

  • Mystery on 15/09/2023 - 21:46
    +2

    I recommend looking at the below services for anyone struggling with their baby/toddler.

    https://www.tresillian.org.au/
    https://karitane.com.au/

    They have free hotlines where you can as many times as you want to ask midwives literally anything about your baby/toddler. Will they give advice that always works? No. but as a new parent (now 18months in), we found the service invaluable when we just didn't know wtf we were doing. When one set of advice didn't work, we'd call back and they would give other strategies to try.

    Also speak to your GP about the service, as they offer residential stays that require a referral if you really need it. You get to stay at a family care centre for a few days where there will be midwives around the clock that will help you with your specific challenges (e.g. how to settle your bub or maybe how to breastfeed correctly). Personally have been twice to get help with settling my son at different stages. Don't expect miracles though, as you still need to put in the work but the takeaway is you have some strategies to try. The stay is all funded by Medicare so it's accessible to all. Although the services are based in NSW. I'm not sure if available in other states.

  • rlam on 15/09/2023 - 22:50

    My partner is a maternity night nanny. Helps with bubs sleep cycle, recovery from medical and general second set of hands help for all things night.

  • sirstiv on 16/09/2023 - 01:43

    Hardest stage is 2-3.5years old

    • dbro2792 on 16/09/2023 - 12:08

      This has sent a shiver down my spine… 19 month old who will be turning 2 at same time as a newborn due. RIP me

      • sirstiv on 16/09/2023 - 16:23
        +1

        Yep. That's going to be very hard. I have a 10m and a 4.3yo now and it's a good gap.

        You'll be dealing with lack of communication tantrums, sibling jealousy and trying to toilet train when the baby has so many needs lol.

        This is all assuming your first born is relatively well behaved!

        • dbro2792 on 17/09/2023 - 07:38
          +1

          Yeh tantrums already starting and can see the jealousy coming. Didn’t even think about toilet training!! Oh well people do this all the time right? At least I know there is light in the tunnel getting through first year makes things slightly easier for me at least

          • morse on 17/09/2023 - 07:59

            @dbro2792: Daycare is super helpful for both toileting and when a sibling arrives. Daycare pretty much toilet trained our kid for us, our part in it as parents was minimal. When the sibling arrives you can at least have some time with just the new baby. If you’re not already doing daycare I’d recommend introducing it months before the second baby arrives.

            • dbro2792 on 17/09/2023 - 17:17
              +1

              @morse: Good to know, he is at daycare two times a week at the moment but might bump it up another day when baby comes

  • merriweather on 16/09/2023 - 07:22

    The first few months were absolutely shattering for my partner and I. It gets better. Things change all the time, you have good moments and bad, but your ability to learn and get better at it will improve. The early months are such a shock and are amplified by the complete lack of sleep. Hang in there my friend! And seek help if you need it. You’ll get there.

  • ErlichBachman on 16/09/2023 - 08:05
    +2

    First of all congratulations

    Look up the '4th trimester'. Baby doesn't know wtf is happening either. All 3 of you are currently in survival mode

    It gets easier probably those first 8-12 weeks are the hardest. Right now all they do is cry sleep eat (drink) and go to the toilet. Scientifically their cry is designed to be a stressful sound in order to get attention as they are 100% relying on you guys

    Once you hit that 12ish week mark you will still be tired but you'll be a lot more used to it and amazed at how little sleep you can actually function from, and with some luck you will get to sleep in bigger stretches too. By about 12 weeks they'll also probably smile sometimes at you too which will make it all worth it rather than just now where it's all just crying etc.

    Anyway. As others have said. It's hard. It's normal. It gets easier. Especially after the fourth trimester. Adjust your expectations and just focus on surviving this period. It goes very quickly. I remember feeling like an absolute zombie first few months with our first. It's normal.

    I always told myself too that people have been doing this for millions of years including some special units way less capable than me, so I could definitely do it.

    Anyway good luck all the best. Gets easier. Fourth trimester. Adjust expectations. Know it's normal. Days are long but weeks are short

  • gengi on 16/09/2023 - 08:31
    +1

    Hi,

    Currently have a 3m old. Wife is breastfeeding which is a big commitment. We do pump so I can have the baby for the "evening shift" from 4pm-12pm so that she can have some time to herself.

    the first 6-8 weeks were defiantly much harder. you get more confident In knowing how to care for your baby and learning their cues. Going back to work was hard, I had 6 weeks off and going back was a big disruption. it just takes time to get used to things.

    Things like the first smile or a laugh makes it all worth it.

    Goodluck,

  • gengi on 16/09/2023 - 08:33
    +1

    PS family and visitors are often are more work then they are help. Make sure you're clear with what they can do for you. ie give them jobs and redirect them to more helpful things if they get in the way. shopping ect

  • peterw1 on 16/09/2023 - 11:07

    the hardest stage of parenting is realising that only your own death is a release. The time when they are young, in the big picture is minor - (this too shall pass). When they become adults they can become who knows what. I'm sure adolf's mum didn't know what she had created. What did Mary think about young jesus, esp compared with the other siblings. Did Vlads dad really do a bad job as a dad? Even when your kids become adults, you always dread a late night call, in case its bad news - you now hope and pray your children will bury you rather than the other way round. Finally it's hard to live with the fact that if you are lucky to have a loving relationship with your children, when you finally leave this earth, you will leave them with arguably the greatest pain they will ever suffer, other than this it's worth it. Enjoy.

  • stibbzy on 16/09/2023 - 12:53
    +1

    For us personally, the newborn stage was absolutely, positively, the hardest time of our lives. Nothing compared to it.
    The best advice I can offer is that, yes, it gets easier. Every single day gets easy, just by really small increments. For us, three months was measurably better but still hard. Six months was less hard again. 12 months was harder than 18, but SO much easier than 3 months.
    By two onwards, ours were great fun, albeit our 3 year old still needs one of us sleeping in a bed beside him to help with nightmares.

  • chvy on 16/09/2023 - 13:38
    +2

    Hey there, i'm a dad of 13 months boy. Been there, know exactly what you mean. It will get better over time, hang in there. It may be true it feels like it will never get better, but time passes and baby grows eventually. You will need to arrange some emergency help every now and then (whether paid services or family help). Good luck!

  • obi1 on 16/09/2023 - 15:24

    I'd say between 0 and 18yo is the hard part.

  • Broodruff on 16/09/2023 - 15:34
    +2

    It's super tough, but there's some really good advice in here, but take everything with a grain of salt

    You'll get to know your bub and what works for you and them - a lot of people have talked about routine: we've got a two year old and from very very on he slept when he slept, we'd never got to a point of "we have to go to get him down by 3:30" he just slept when he slept.

    But that's us as parents and that's our bub.

    The best pieces of advice I would have:
    - Getting ONE thing done in the day is a win (sweeping floors, washing etc)
    - Swallow your pride, if anyone has every asked if you need anything to reach out: reach out - a great friend or fanily will happily come over, do you washing for you, or dishes, or mow the lawn while you sit semi-vegetated on the couch.

    • Focus on how you and your partner can support each other and be on the same page and communicate. Early on me and my partner chatted and we had a semi safe word, because it's easy to fall into things being a competition of who's more tired, or stressed. Having that ability to be able to whinge and release without the "you don't think I'm tired and stressed too" reaction was just incredible for me, yeah my partner was 9.5/10 times more tired that I was, but I still got the chance to complain about it without feeling guilty.

    • Prioritise, protect and make a plan for what you both do to relax, unwind and fill your bucket, even in the really small windows you might get.

    • Remember that literally everyone is learning as they go and you're going to stuff it up plenty, that's ok

  • serpserpserp on 16/09/2023 - 17:43

    Just worried about wife’s mental health when I go back to work as we feel alone at home.

    Perhaps you can take more time off work and she can go back instead. If you are interested in get mental health maybe those two things are the way to tackle it

  • hdog on 16/09/2023 - 17:50
    +1

    3 months in with 3rd baby under 3 here!

    Something that really helped me is the wisdom ‘9 months in, 9 months on, 9 months near’ .. it truly explains so much. From my newborn wanting to contact nap to my 18 month old starting to become more independent, it’s all there.

    As others have said, do whatever works. For us, we always come back to co-sleeping, fresh air walks, baby carrier, lots of coffee.

    YouTube the ‘magic burp’

  • SpicyStew on 16/09/2023 - 18:28

    Enjoy now because it's just getting started..

    just 17 years+ left lol

  • Podroo on 16/09/2023 - 22:20
    +2

    My wife and me havent had a full night sleep for at least 3 years (had 2 babies during covid time). and We had no support from family at all. But, dont worry. When you have the 2nd one, you will feel how easy it was with one one child. (just settle a crying baby and cant sleep)

    • hdog on 16/09/2023 - 22:51
      +1

      How funny is this though? It’s like playing a video game.. it always feels hard as you’re playing, but then when you revisit an old level (just caring for the one baby) it’s suddenly so much easier. It’s a bit unfair people don’t get that feeling of ease the first time around when it’s most needed.

  • Dreamcast on 17/09/2023 - 04:53

    Yeah nah, screw having kids!

    As with anything mate, you'll adjust. Just look after your mental health and do what you can to make the missus feel at ease. All the best in your future ozbargain baby product deal hunting!!

  • bargain4bargain on 17/09/2023 - 09:37
    +1

    Same problem as what you had. Started from 1 month old, baby was screaming 7pm-midnight, then woke up awake 4am-6am. Tried everything, including possum sleep program, Tressilian sleep school (at 8 months). Ended up the only way mum can sleep a bit is nurse to sleep, settling by breastfeeding, co-sleeping (after 4months, King size bed but with mum and baby only). Three year old now, still nurse to sleep, settling at midnight by cuddling.

  • jzdhgkd on 17/09/2023 - 11:23

    I'm not yet a parent but damn do I love the Ozbargain community in times like these. Bookmarked for future use!

  • Embaloo on 17/09/2023 - 21:40
    +1

    It needs to be said, thank you for your care and efforts in raising the next generation of little aussies.

    In the very least (ozbargain-mindset), they are the future taxpayers, who will be the ones looking after us all when we're old, who will be looking after our society and helping it keep on ticking, making inventions, getting educated and working to hopefully better the lives of those around them.

    Your efforts of care, love, and patience now, plus eventual dicipline and education, are marvellous. Hard to see when you're in the thick if it, and when society tells you that having kids is selfish. It isn't, it forces you to be selfless, to sacrifice so much and to look outside your own bubble, which trains us to do so in so many other relationships too. Its a marvellous thing to parent well.

  • Archi on 27/09/2023 - 08:52
    -1

    every family unit is different, every family relationship is different, your ethnic background, your parents' upbringing including yours all play a part,

    • a lot of Asian families believe and strictly adhere to post-partum rules and rituals, most western families don't.
    • cultural rituals, traditional values, education, new science and the internet are all part of the learning process.

    do what makes you and your partner comfortable, and speak up on things that don't, communicate with one another and be supportive in each others decision.

    • CoreArchitect on 06/10/2023 - 12:12

      What a crock :).

      I would argue that most family units are more the same than they are different… Just saying.

      Not to mention that the whole point is asking for advice here, assumes that people are going to provide advice based on their own experience…

      Your comment is exceptionally silly.

  • indian81 on 09/10/2023 - 13:27

    Time will fly as you go along with the flow and you’ll realise that the hardest time of parenting is not when they are bub but when they go to college.

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